Mother's Day gifts for high maintenance mom

[Anonymous]

A nice elegant flower arrangement!

Why is this so hard?

[Anonymous]

oh this sounds like my mom. well sort of. my mom says a card is just fine. except it has to be certain kind of card with flowery language and overly sentimental stuff written in it. and I refuse. because I don't feel that way towards her.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a right royal bitch. I wouldn't be getting her so much as a card.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't want clutter or material goods, give her tickets to a special show, nice dinner, or spa gift card. Go with an experience as opposed to material goods- she will remember the thoughtfulness, enjoy the experience, and not have clutter. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

No good ideas, but....

To all the people who are saying "just a card" or "tell her how mean she is" -- I'm glad (seriously) that some of you you appear not to have had negative, downright mean mothers who truly can't appreciate anything (including much of life) and take out their negativity through criticizing their children. I wonder if the OP feels like I do -- that saying any of those things or just giving a card would result in all kinds of hell for herself and her family (including any children she might have).

I've reached a point with my (also mentally ill) mother at which I'd like to say some of what you've said, or give just a card, etc., etc., But it's so much easier said than done, and it also means risking not seeing her or my father again and I'm not sure I'm ready for that, either.

Mother's Day is the hardest holiday for me because I have a mother who truly hates her life (and sadly, that includes truly not liking me, as well). I try to get through it for DC's sake and for my dad's and for the part of me that realizes how much my mother must hurt inside but it is very, very hard to try and celebrate a person with so much anger, negativity, and hurt inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No good ideas, but....

To all the people who are saying "just a card" or "tell her how mean she is" -- I'm glad (seriously) that some of you you appear not to have had negative, downright mean mothers who truly can't appreciate anything (including much of life) and take out their negativity through criticizing their children. I wonder if the OP feels like I do -- that saying any of those things or just giving a card would result in all kinds of hell for herself and her family (including any children she might have).

I've reached a point with my (also mentally ill) mother at which I'd like to say some of what you've said, or give just a card, etc., etc., But it's so much easier said than done, and it also means risking not seeing her or my father again and I'm not sure I'm ready for that, either.

Mother's Day is the hardest holiday for me because I have a mother who truly hates her life (and sadly, that includes truly not liking me, as well). I try to get through it for DC's sake and for my dad's and for the part of me that realizes how much my mother must hurt inside but it is very, very hard to try and celebrate a person with so much anger, negativity, and hurt inside.

If you can't forgive her, forgive yourself. It's very painful to deal with a troubled mother who hates herself and you, but you can take stock in the relationships you have with DC and your dad. Remember, it's your day too. Try to find a few minutes for yourself and appreciate that you've built a life for yourself despite your mom's discouragement. Good luck and Happy Mother's Day!

[Anonymous]

Fitbit
Theater tickets, or opera, symphony, ballet, etc.
Spa treatment
Newly released hard back book
Magazine subscription
DVD of her favorite old tv show

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here I should add that she gets all hurt if I don't have something thoughtful.

OMG OP do you hear yourself? Snap out of it!

The game your mom is playing is "You haven't figured out the right gift for me; if you loved me enough you would have got it right. Bad daughter; you owe me!"

It's not true; it's about power. You could get her the perfect thing but she won't tell you that, because the GAME is to say it's not right. That keeps her with the power over you. And you are buying into it, and the more you try, the more you reinforce your mom to play that game.

So the point the other PPs are making is, since nothing will be good enough, to stop playing the game and just get her something without doing a whole mental dance to figure out what she might like.

Free yourself from the game. Get her the white orchid and the card, and expect that she will complain about it. It will be the hardest the first year. Next year, give her the pink orchid and a card. Receive her complaint. Third year, give her the yellow orchid with the card. Receive her complaint. This is still an annoying cycle, but certainly not as stressful as the one you are in. Remember, you can't change your mom, not with the perfect gift, and not with any color orchid. You will always give the gift, and she will always give the complaint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fitbit
Theater tickets, or opera, symphony, ballet, etc.
Spa treatment
Newly released hard back book
Magazine subscription
DVD of her favorite old tv show

Georgetown Cupcake delivers.
They have a mother's day assortment or you can do the classics/favs.
Send 6 (in honor of the grandkids) and another 6 of her fav flavor.

If she loves orchids, could some gardening gloves help, or a gc to a good gardening store? Smith & Hawkin, I think?

My mom is also difficult. She often doesn't open gifts I send for weeks or months.
Sometimes I call a store she likes and have them keep the giftcard there for her, so she can have a personal shopping experience (w/o me).

This year she was telling me she was mad at her friend for being showy about expensive sandals. I found them for 1/2 off and sent them so she could one up her friend. (Isn't that was it all about?)

[Anonymous]

Have you tried asking, what she likes, if orchids dont work.? Its one day a year of being thoughtful for a woman who has birthed, raised you. It wouldn't hurt to put your ego aside and do something she appreciates. May be she likes time with you & the grand kids. Maybe a mom daughter spa thing or lunch together. Ask her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its one day a year of being thoughtful for a woman who has birthed, raised you.

Not OP but I really despise this line of thought. Giving birth to someone and keeping them in your home until they're an adult is not necessarily parade-worthy. Some moms are bitches, energy vampires, emotional abusers, etc. Do not for a minute assume that birthing and "raising" = a good thing, for everyone.

[Anonymous]

OP, what did you wind up doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried asking, what she likes, if orchids dont work.? Its one day a year of being thoughtful for a woman who has birthed, raised you. It wouldn't hurt to put your ego aside and do something she appreciates. May be she likes time with you & the grand kids. Maybe a mom daughter spa thing or lunch together. Ask her.

Ha! My mother is a mean person. There, I said it. I cannot imagine a spa experience or lunch together. I'm glad that isn't your reality, but for some of us it has nothing to do with putting ego aside.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother also hates clutter, so I send her a nice card. My stepmother loves clutter, so she gets a card and 1/2 dozen Shari's Berries. A dozen was too much the year I tried that. 6 is just perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here I should add that she gets all hurt if I don't have something thoughtful.

OMG OP do you hear yourself? Snap out of it!

The game your mom is playing is "You haven't figured out the right gift for me; if you loved me enough you would have got it right. Bad daughter; you owe me!"

It's not true; it's about power. You could get her the perfect thing but she won't tell you that, because the GAME is to say it's not right. That keeps her with the power over you. And you are buying into it, and the more you try, the more you reinforce your mom to play that game.

So the point the other PPs are making is, since nothing will be good enough, to stop playing the game and just get her something without doing a whole mental dance to figure out what she might like.

Free yourself from the game. Get her the white orchid and the card, and expect that she will complain about it. It will be the hardest the first year. Next year, give her the pink orchid and a card. Receive her complaint. Third year, give her the yellow orchid with the card. Receive her complaint. This is still an annoying cycle, but certainly not as stressful as the one you are in. Remember, you can't change your mom, not with the perfect gift, and not with any color orchid. You will always give the gift, and she will always give the complaint.

This. This poster has it exactly right.