Should I Have Called the Police?

[Anonymous]

Get out. I'm the kid of an abusive father (abusive to my mother, not to us). It doesn't get better. Get out.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you do call the police, I applaud you. Women on man crime is highly underreported for a variety of reasons (shame, idea that police will not believe, etc.). One of my closest friends is 6'2", former athlete, and was being beaten up by his girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OMG! Are you his wife? You are a horrible, horrible person. I was ashamed to read this.

I know, right? I feel dirty just reading this trash.

Asking a person to evaluate the whole of a situation and how the fit into it is "dirty" to you? Good to know.

Someone on this thread said they wanted to get the problem to stop (I'm assuming it was OP). Understanding what caused it is pretty freaking important. You can oversimplify with your bullshit platitudes all you'd like, but that's not going to solve the actual problem.

And if you truly believe that OP is a saint to hir completely wack-ass spouse, well, you're really fucking gullible. This sort of thing has roots. If you want to kill it, you have to kill it at the root. Anything else is a band-aid, even if simpletons on the internet say otherwise.

OP had a part in this. That doesn't justify hitting (hence my saying "there is no excuse to hit").

No, the totality of your post is trash. And dirty. And so are you.

No, I'm just better educated and less reactionary than you. It's really easy to believe that the anonymous person posting here is both honest and innocent. It makes everything fit into neat little boxes for you, so you can give OP a cookie comment and move about your day. It's a bit more complicated to actually examine the possible depths of this situation. Clearly I've asked too much of the DCUM lot, but for those of you crying "Victim blaming OMG!!!!" you may wish to consider that my professed position on this issue (that there is likely far more to this story than you'll ever know and, thus, it would be wise to acknowledge your lack of scope and reserved judgment) is a fairly common point of dissent. I mean, Google and/or Wikipedia would've found you this:

"Roy Baumeister, a social and personality psychologist, argued that blaming the victim is not necessarily always fallacious. He argued that showing the victim's possible role in an altercation may be contrary to typical explanations of violence and cruelty, which incorporate the trope of the innocent victim. According to Baumeister, in the classic telling of "the myth of pure evil," the innocent, well-meaning victims are going about their business when they are suddenly assaulted by wicked, malicious evildoers. Baumeister describes the situation as a possible distortion by both the perpetrator and the victim; the perpetrator may minimize the offense while the victim maximizes it, and so accounts of the incident shouldn't be immediately taken as objective truths."

But, please, stick to ad hominem. It suits you, even if it doesn't serve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you call the police, they will come and arrest YOU not her.

That is how it works in "domestic violence" - the man is axiomatically the aggressor, and the woman the victim.

Just get the hell out of there, pronto.

Not true. My husband called the police on his ex while they were married and she was throwing things at him. He wanted it to be documented and it turned out to be helpful later in divorce/custody negotiations. Neither he nor his ex were arrested, but the police did make a report.

That's useful info. thanks.

[Anonymous]

"Roy Baumeister, a social and personality psychologist, argued that blaming the victim is not necessarily always fallacious. He argued that showing the victim's possible role in an altercation may be contrary to typical explanations of violence and cruelty, which incorporate the trope of the innocent victim. According to Baumeister, in the classic telling of "the myth of pure evil," the innocent, well-meaning victims are going about their business when they are suddenly assaulted by wicked, malicious evildoers. Baumeister describes the situation as a possible distortion by both the perpetrator and the victim; the perpetrator may minimize the offense while the victim maximizes it, and so accounts of the incident shouldn't be immediately taken as objective truths."

Nobody is talking about pure evil. It is pretty likely that OP's wife has a personality disorder or possibly an alcohol/drug problem.

I'm with the PP who says it doesn't matter if it's the 20th bra he put in the dryer. Or maybe actually with the PP who said she didn't care if it was a cashmere sweater as I've put my bras in the dryer myself and nothing bad has happened. Bad things really do happen to cashmere though.

No one deserves this kind of abuse, even if the abuser is kind of broken. That just helps you understand better why it's happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

"Roy Baumeister, a social and personality psychologist, argued that blaming the victim is not necessarily always fallacious. He argued that showing the victim's possible role in an altercation may be contrary to typical explanations of violence and cruelty, which incorporate the trope of the innocent victim. According to Baumeister, in the classic telling of "the myth of pure evil," the innocent, well-meaning victims are going about their business when they are suddenly assaulted by wicked, malicious evildoers. Baumeister describes the situation as a possible distortion by both the perpetrator and the victim; the perpetrator may minimize the offense while the victim maximizes it, and so accounts of the incident shouldn't be immediately taken as objective truths."

Nobody is talking about pure evil. It is pretty likely that OP's wife has a personality disorder or possibly an alcohol/drug problem.

I'm with the PP who says it doesn't matter if it's the 20th bra he put in the dryer. Or maybe actually with the PP who said she didn't care if it was a cashmere sweater as I've put my bras in the dryer myself and nothing bad has happened. Bad things really do happen to cashmere though.

No one deserves this kind of abuse, even if the abuser is kind of broken. That just helps you understand better why it's happened.

Right. And why it happened is good to know if you're trying to get it to stop happening so you can stay in the relationship, yes?

Did I say OP deserved it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"Roy Baumeister, a social and personality psychologist, argued that blaming the victim is not necessarily always fallacious. He argued that showing the victim's possible role in an altercation may be contrary to typical explanations of violence and cruelty, which incorporate the trope of the innocent victim. According to Baumeister, in the classic telling of "the myth of pure evil," the innocent, well-meaning victims are going about their business when they are suddenly assaulted by wicked, malicious evildoers. Baumeister describes the situation as a possible distortion by both the perpetrator and the victim; the perpetrator may minimize the offense while the victim maximizes it, and so accounts of the incident shouldn't be immediately taken as objective truths."

Nobody is talking about pure evil. It is pretty likely that OP's wife has a personality disorder or possibly an alcohol/drug problem.

I'm with the PP who says it doesn't matter if it's the 20th bra he put in the dryer. Or maybe actually with the PP who said she didn't care if it was a cashmere sweater as I've put my bras in the dryer myself and nothing bad has happened. Bad things really do happen to cashmere though.

No one deserves this kind of abuse, even if the abuser is kind of broken. That just helps you understand better why it's happened.

Right. And why it happened is good to know if you're trying to get it to stop happening so you can stay in the relationship, yes?

Did I say OP deserved it?

You kind of did:
I suspect your put your wife's bra in the dryer after having done so multiple times and ruined multiple bras and been asked to not on multiple occasions. Your mother is probably a monster-in-law who disrespects and insults your wife, which you allow because you can't stand up to her any more than you can stand up to your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you call the police, they will come and arrest YOU not her.

That is how it works in "domestic violence" - the man is axiomatically the aggressor, and the woman the victim.

Just get the hell out of there, pronto.

Not always right.I got arrested though my ex-DH was the aggressor (not the first previous report) and I called the police.Then again, DC cops are not the sharpest.If I hadn't called right away,and gone to police later, he only would have been arrested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OMG! Are you his wife? You are a horrible, horrible person. I was ashamed to read this.

I know, right? I feel dirty just reading this trash.

Asking a person to evaluate the whole of a situation and how the fit into it is "dirty" to you? Good to know.

Someone on this thread said they wanted to get the problem to stop (I'm assuming it was OP). Understanding what caused it is pretty freaking important. You can oversimplify with your bullshit platitudes all you'd like, but that's not going to solve the actual problem.

And if you truly believe that OP is a saint to hir completely wack-ass spouse, well, you're really fucking gullible. This sort of thing has roots. If you want to kill it, you have to kill it at the root. Anything else is a band-aid, even if simpletons on the internet say otherwise.

OP had a part in this. That doesn't justify hitting (hence my saying "there is no excuse to hit").

No, the totality of your post is trash. And dirty. And so are you.

No, I'm just better educated and less reactionary than you. It's really easy to believe that the anonymous person posting here is both honest and innocent. It makes everything fit into neat little boxes for you, so you can give OP a cookie comment and move about your day. It's a bit more complicated to actually examine the possible depths of this situation. Clearly I've asked too much of the DCUM lot, but for those of you crying "Victim blaming OMG!!!!" you may wish to consider that my professed position on this issue (that there is likely far more to this story than you'll ever know and, thus, it would be wise to acknowledge your lack of scope and reserved judgment) is a fairly common point of dissent. I mean, Google and/or Wikipedia would've found you this:

"Roy Baumeister, a social and personality psychologist, argued that blaming the victim is not necessarily always fallacious. He argued that showing the victim's possible role in an altercation may be contrary to typical explanations of violence and cruelty, which incorporate the trope of the innocent victim. According to Baumeister, in the classic telling of "the myth of pure evil," the innocent, well-meaning victims are going about their business when they are suddenly assaulted by wicked, malicious evildoers. Baumeister describes the situation as a possible distortion by both the perpetrator and the victim; the perpetrator may minimize the offense while the victim maximizes it, and so accounts of the incident shouldn't be immediately taken as objective truths."

But, please, stick to ad hominem. It suits you, even if it doesn't serve.

Don't post trash if you don't want to be called trash. Yes, someone up thread posted that they wanted the problem to stop. Telling someone who is being abused to control the behavior of another shows a huge lack of education on the subject, so you're the one who is grossly uneducated here. Telling someone who is being abused that they actually are part of the problem is even more ignorant. The problem is the OP's wife physically assaulted him/her. That's the behavior that OP wants to see stop. And you're telling OP to evaluate their behavior is idiotic. Abusive relationships aren't negotiated and mediated. They are about one person abusing the other. But I'm thinking I get why you can't see that....

[Anonymous]

Call the domestic violence hotline for advice, make a plan to get out. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Don't post trash if you don't want to be called trash. Yes, someone up thread posted that they wanted the problem to stop. Telling someone who is being abused to control the behavior of another shows a huge lack of education on the subject, so you're the one who is grossly uneducated here. Telling someone who is being abused that they actually are part of the problem is even more ignorant. The problem is the OP's wife physically assaulted him/her. That's the behavior that OP wants to see stop. And you're telling OP to evaluate their behavior is idiotic. Abusive relationships aren't negotiated and mediated. They are about one person abusing the other. But I'm thinking I get why you can't see that....

OP's wife didn't just assault hir out of the blue. And if OP wants that behavior to stop, no amount of saying/screaming "you're abusive" or calling the cops is going to fix it. Abusive relationships have two sides, and it rarely breaks down in such a fashion that one person is solely an aggressor and one is solely a victim (contrary to your black/white mentality). Nobody on the internet is going to be able to suss this out for OP. OP needs to do some introspective work to figure out why zie wants to stay in an abusive relationship, and what, if anything, can be done to shift the present dynamic.

You lack reading comprehension in a way that would be funny if it wasn't so sad, sweetie. I never said "control her". I said "understand yourself, because you're involved." And if you can't understand that distinction, there's really no point in continuing to engage you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Don't post trash if you don't want to be called trash. Yes, someone up thread posted that they wanted the problem to stop. Telling someone who is being abused to control the behavior of another shows a huge lack of education on the subject, so you're the one who is grossly uneducated here. Telling someone who is being abused that they actually are part of the problem is even more ignorant. The problem is the OP's wife physically assaulted him/her. That's the behavior that OP wants to see stop. And you're telling OP to evaluate their behavior is idiotic. Abusive relationships aren't negotiated and mediated. They are about one person abusing the other. But I'm thinking I get why you can't see that....

OP's wife didn't just assault hir out of the blue. And if OP wants that behavior to stop, no amount of saying/screaming "you're abusive" or calling the cops is going to fix it. Abusive relationships have two sides, and it rarely breaks down in such a fashion that one person is solely an aggressor and one is solely a victim (contrary to your black/white mentality). Nobody on the internet is going to be able to suss this out for OP. OP needs to do some introspective work to figure out why zie wants to stay in an abusive relationship, and what, if anything, can be done to shift the present dynamic.

You lack reading comprehension in a way that would be funny if it wasn't so sad, sweetie. I never said "control her". I said "understand yourself, because you're involved." And if you can't understand that distinction, there's really no point in continuing to engage you.

The bolded is why you are a complete and utter moron. How the hell do you know that OP's wife didn't assault him out of the blue? Just because you choose not to believe someone doesn't change the facts. Your sweeping generalizations would be funny if they weren't so sad moron. Abusive relationships have one side, period. Whether you choose to believe this is one is irrelevant to the fact that abusive relationships are one sided. It's sad that you can't see that but, again, given your subtext it's not surprising. We all know where you're coming from.

OP, do whatever works for you but for all things sacred, don't listen this twerp.

[Anonymous]

To the PP who thinks there's 2 sides:

Accepting blame and responsibility and adjusting one's behavior to avoid the abusive response is abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who thinks there's 2 sides:

Accepting blame and responsibility and adjusting one's behavior to avoid the abusive response is abuse.

It's utter nonsense. What that PP is doing is taking the dynamics of unhealthy relationships and pounding that square peg in the round hole of abusive relationships. You don't reason with an abuser, you don't change your behavior to influence an abuser's behavior, you don't influence an abuser by changing your attitude or anything. All the introspection in the world will not change an abuser's behavior and that person should be banned from posting on this topic. What a total imbecile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who thinks there's 2 sides:

Accepting blame and responsibility and adjusting one's behavior to avoid the abusive response is abuse.

I worded that wrong. I meant someone changing their behavior in the above ways is a normal response to being abused. It's not healthy and it's not normal.