Reply to Little Lies--What's Acceptable? What's Not?

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Reply to "Little Lies--What's Acceptable? What's Not?"

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[quote=Anonymous]I think the dynamic here is the problem, not the ‘little lies”, probably  because he’s telling them as a way to avoid either control or criticism on your part. My guess it that your DH resents some of what he perceives as demands but rather than being straight forward about it, avoids conflict, or tries to, by omitting things or doing them anyway and then pretending like it was on the spur of the moment so he doesn’t have to take responsibility for wanting to do something else and acting on it.

Like—instead of saying “hey, I’m tired of pizza” or “hey, I would like to organize dinner”  or’ You know what, I really want a burger” he tells you ‘yeah, great, pizza’s fine” but then gets a burger because that’s what he really wants, but he didn’t want to get into it with you, was afraid you might then go on about how you had planned dinner already, etc.

I’m guessing he omits the errand because he is afraid of conflict or censure from you for not coming home directly, etc. I often find it annoying that DH comes home and suddenly needs to RUN OUT THAT SECOND to get something because its usually when its time to make dinner or put the kids to bed, but I decide that unless its a really bad time, I say nothing since its not a big deal an I am not his mother.

I'm guessing he omits the strip club because he thinks you would be upset--in this case you should be clear on your feelings about it so that you can discuss it openly.

The kid thing would bother me, but DH has done stuff like this and its because he wants to avoid criticism on my part—we’ve worked on things so that we are both better about stating our  desires, responsibilities and expectations we try to work through them in case of conflicts. I've dialed way back on nitpicking and criticism, particularly when it comes to his time, his work, his plans with friends and his parenting (unless I feel it endangers our kids or contradicts shared child rearing philosophy). THus, he does not need to lie about giving them donuts once a week, but I also don't question him about what he fed the kids when he was with them.

In your case, your husband isn’t owning up to what he actually really wants to do, but is acting on it anyway in a passive way and lying.  Maybe you are too controlling, or maybe he is too passive and not direct, and maybe it is some combination of both but I suggest that you open things up for discussion and ask him whether he feels like you’re too controlling and if that’s why he takes the “easier” route to get what he wants because he doesn’t want to rock the boat. 
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