Why do people get so up in arms about something that doesn't impact them? Vent about mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you post a link of the ring?

I'd love to see it, too! I was fairly non-traditional and was lucky that my mom didn't say much. She was counting her blessings that I wasn't marrying a 'furriner' - even if he was Catholic. At least the ceremony wasn't Catholic!

[Anonymous]

My mom rather unexpectedly turned into a crazy person during my wedding planning. At one point, she called to tell me she wasn't coming to the wedding because I did not respect her opinion re: invitations (by the way, I went with her choice so WTH?). That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me and I admit to breaking down and yelling at her for being so impossible. One of us hung up on the other(can't remember which) and my dad tried to broker a peace deal. I said I would not apologize unless she did the same and stopped acting so nuts. Oddly, that worked and everything was okay for the rest of the wedding planning and wedding. That said, I was really not that into the wedding itself because I'm not into big events so I took her advice a lot.

In the end, we were fine and she has not criticized my child-rearing yet do perhaps the fight nipped it in the bud.

So I don't advise a huge blow out fight but maybe a more gentle confrontation and boundary setting would help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is likely only the tip of the iceberg. Expect more issues when you are married and expect it to compound if you have children. Might be a good chance to set boundaries now before she ruins your marriage. It is your mother, so the load falls on you to set boundaries and expectations so that she does not become a cancer in your family life.

Some of the PPs gave some good coping mechanisms for the phone, you also just have to adjust your expectations. Setting boundaries will be tough, but better now than when things get tough or after she has become accustomed to treating you this way.

+1 - coming from other side here. My mom went nuts about a lot of the minutae of my wedding. The color of the ribbons on the favors, the color of the bouquet I carried, my shoes. I told her that she had to stop being super critical, and she did, but her reason was that she thought I was being oversensitive. She didn't understand that she was in the wrong. Fast forward 8 years - DH and I have a baby now and HOLY SHIT did it get worse. Her concept of boundaries is so poor that I've had to hang up on her many times, break plans to see her, etc., and tell her it's because of her behavior. Get ready to have problems if you decide to have a child. Establish boundaries now.

[Anonymous]

OP ~ re: the wedding - you're involving your mother. That's the problem, given your mother. She should just show up like any other guest. But that means you have to give up on the warm fuzzy things that a daughter should be able to share with a mother. You have expectations of how your relationship should be. It might be that you need to mourn this loss - that your relationship with her doesn't work that way. Once you do the entire road ahead with her will smooth out. You will be empowered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am getting married soon and soon to be Dh and I have been looking at wedding bands. I ended up choosing one that I absolutely love although it is a bit untraditional (although certainly not out there) and showed my mom a picture of it with my engagement ring. She blew up and said it was weird, what would her friends think, etc.

Seriously mom, it doesn't impact you at all. WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH?! She was so upset with me about it that I've actually been reconsidering it even though I love it.

So totally not her business at all. Sorry for this and hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Weddings can really bring out the worst in people! No good advice, just want to say congrats - and I'd also love to see the ring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ha wish it was that easy. I've tried it and have been met with some very cruel words that make me feel worse than her comments about my choices!

Do you plan to be a doormat forever?

[Anonymous]

Stop sharing so much.

"Did you pick a wedding band?"

"We're still looking, mom."

[Anonymous]

Why are so many women so emotionally entangled with their mothers? It's so unhealthy.

You showed her the ring seeking her approval and she didn't give it. It has nothing to do with the ring. No matter what you picked your mom would have indicated disapproval. That's why she's disapproving of so many other things about your trivial wedding detail choices.

It's all about your unhealthy dynamic from childhood, constantly seeking parental approval, which is forever withheld from you.

It's time to stop seeking it honey.

Time to grow up.

You're getting married, remember?