Why do people get so up in arms about something that doesn't impact them? Vent about mom

[Anonymous]

Weddings can bring out he worst insecurities in people, most of all, mothers and daughters. I don't know why.
I don't agree with the above PP about victim blaming. I think if the OP wants to share her excitement over a wedding decision, she is smart to share it with someone who will support it and share her enthusiasm. Nothing wrong with trying mom first, but sounds like mom may not be that person right now.

My mother wasn't dissimilar to me when I got married seven years ago. I think she was projecting her loss of control over me by poo-pooing some of my decisions. (Not to defend your mother, but try to see her point of view.) I know my mother-in-law was definitely projecting. To this day she brings up her unhappiness about what she didn't get at my wedding (as though I care at this point!)
My mother died right before my third wedding anniversary and I think of her often around that time. The relationship between mother and daughter can be complicated. My advice (unsolicited) is to 1) make a wedding you are happy with 2) try to savor and enjoy the good parts of your relationship with your mother, considering she may have some complicated feelings over her daughter getting married. One day she won't be alive to share those with, so try to be good to one another now. (Eek, now I'm projecting a bit.)

PS - congratulations on getting married!!

[Anonymous]

You wrote that you conceded some things since she bitched about them. Why would she stop complaining? It works for her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I found that my parents started getting weird and critical when there is a big transition going on - my dad, oddly enough. I think that he, undrstandably, has issues coping with major transitions. Eventually everything is ironed out but it seems that he had what seemed like strange overreactions at college graduation, wedding time, etc. Is there some of that going on with your mom?

[Anonymous]

Weddings bring out The Crazy. Could be a sign of a Narcissist. My mom has strong Narc characteristics and went bat poop crazy at my first wedding.

Turns out I was marrying a Narc too! Yikes. Neither of them told me I looked pretty on my wedding day.

Long story short second wedding was just the two of us. My mother will never understand why.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written this 10 years ago before my wedding. I'm so sorry. It is hurtful. I agree with the PP who said to call her on it. Let her know how much her criticism is hurting you. My mom is the same way, and it took me having kids to sit her down and remind her that I don't do things like she does, but it doesn't mean I'm rejecting her. I wish I'd done it sooner.

[Anonymous]

When people are very stressed out about big things they have no control over (your wedding) they fixate on tiny details (your wedding ring). She's displacing her stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ha wish it was that easy. I've tried it and have been met with some very cruel words that make me feel worse than her comments about my choices!

"That was a very unkind thing to say. I am hanging up now."

OP, you really, really sound like you have major problems setting boundaries with your mom. PP is correct that she should not be your first person to email about things. If she asks how the weddig is going , be vague. If she asks for specifics, change the subject. If she presses you for info, call her on it: "You seem very interested in my choice of flowers. You are welcome to share an opinion if you have one, but as you know our tastes often differ and I will be following my own preferences ultimately." If she is cruel or says something hurtful, tell her so and end the conversation. Worst case wcenario, she freezes you out and you don 't have to listen to her bullshit. Best case scenario, she realizes that you are done being victimized and changes so again, you don't have to deal with her bullshit.

[Anonymous]

This is likely only the tip of the iceberg. Expect more issues when you are married and expect it to compound if you have children. Might be a good chance to set boundaries now before she ruins your marriage. It is your mother, so the load falls on you to set boundaries and expectations so that she does not become a cancer in your family life.

Some of the PPs gave some good coping mechanisms for the phone, you also just have to adjust your expectations. Setting boundaries will be tough, but better now than when things get tough or after she has become accustomed to treating you this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When people are very stressed out about big things they have no control over (your wedding) they fixate on tiny details (your wedding ring). She's displacing her stress.

This.

And you and your FDH are planning this on your own and paying for it, when often weddings involve a lot of work between the bride and her mom. Your mom might be feeling a bit rejected, hence the unusual, over-the-top responses.

Are you and she in the same geographic area? If not, she might be feeling more left out there too. Rather than give in to badgering, it might have been good to make one piece of the wedding something you and your mom did together. I would try the reassuring route once (something along the lines of a gentle, "Mom, what's up with these responses?") and otherwise set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ha wish it was that easy. I've tried it and have been met with some very cruel words that make me feel worse than her comments about my choices!

Ugh. Just wait until you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is likely only the tip of the iceberg. Expect more issues when you are married and expect it to compound if you have children. Might be a good chance to set boundaries now before she ruins your marriage. It is your mother, so the load falls on you to set boundaries and expectations so that she does not become a cancer in your family life.

Some of the PPs gave some good coping mechanisms for the phone, you also just have to adjust your expectations. Setting boundaries will be tough, but better now than when things get tough or after she has become accustomed to treating you this way.

+1
OP, if you are thinking about having children, what you are experiencing now re: wedding is going to be 1000x when grandkids become involved.

[Anonymous]

If and when you call her on the fact that her criticism is hurting you, she will tell you that you are "being too sensitive." It should be done anyway but just to warn you. Narcissists are never wrong ever and never apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably had a mental image of everything about your wedding and now you are screwing it up.

Get what you want. Your marriage, your ring.

+1000

If you are going to let your mother run your life, you are not old enough or mature enough to get married. When it comes to married life, the decisions about marriage and married life should be made by YOU and YOUR SPOUSE. Anyone else can mind their own business. IF they don't have the manners to do so, kindly (or rudely) remind them.

I always thought I'd have a gold wedding band. DH likes silver, so ours are in white gold.

Don't see a problem here. Tell Mother it's not her engagement ring. Or just smile and say nothing (alternatively, you can say how much you love it and can't wait to wear it).

[Anonymous]

Can you post a link of the ring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. I understand what you are saying. 2 things though 1. I never thought my mom wouldn't like the ring. It really isn't that out there. 2. Not involving her in the process brings out an even worse side of her

Mom, I really want to include you in the wedding plans, but you are so critical of the things that I like. If you continue to be so absolutely negative about what I want for my own wedding, I'm going to have to stop telling you what I'm planning.

If you have to cut her off and she gets nasty about not being included then you say: Mom, you know we discussed this, but you were being so negative about my plans that I had to stop including you. Your own behavior was the cause of your being excluded.