Did your marriage survive having special needs child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It struck me today how much my DS is like my BIL. My DS has Asperger's and is obsessed with birds. My BIL is a biology professor, an ornithologist, and has been obsessed with birds since childhood. He loves the color red, DS loves the color blue. Both BIL and DS can talk and talk and talk even more than myself: OMG....

No, our marriage hasn't been affected. I adore my DH who we realized probably has Asperger's after DS was diagnosed. DH is a wonderful man and my DS's diagnosis helped me understand DH better. DH is quiet unlike DS and BIL. Thank goodness. Also, I realize my side made an obvious contribution to DS's diagnosis. My mother probably had AS.

All in all, I am so happy DS takes after DH and BIL rather than myself. I was a holy terror, exhausting and difficult, when I was a child even w/o a diagnosis or SNs.

If anything, our son's SNs was helpful to our marriage. DH is a great dad to DS which makes me appreciate him more.

That is just awesome. So happy for you. vBut it just "struck you today"? Because that whole bird color thing has come up on this board before. Excuse my cynicism but there's some truth lacking here.

You are right but I had not thought about it in awhile. Today it came up b/c we are getting eggs to hatch and DS is over the moon about it. Like dancing around the house... Over chickens. He loves chickens... More than dogs, cats, etc.

[Anonymous]

^I also wish he would eat chicken...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we pulled together and had two more kids. Our eldest with Aspergers Syndrome is doing wonderfully (he has friends and great grades). Our youngest has a speech/language delay, but we're dealing with it and he'll be just fine.

We're more in love than ever. The key is to take it as a challenge, not a deal breaker, and to love each other through it. If you remember why you got together and had kids in the first place -- love -- then a having a child with SN won't feel like the end of the world.

Also, remember that a disability is only one aspect of that child. Every SN kid we've ever met also had amazing gifts. Get to know all aspects of your SN kid and love them all and everything will end up O.K.

Glad things worked out for you, PP, but many parents of SN kids are not so lucky.

OP, your marriage will survive if you and your spouse work together. If you fight over the treatment of your child, you will have problems, likely insurmountable ones.

[Anonymous]

No. Ex turned out to be very self absorbed and status conscious after claiming to reject those values and a child with SN was not part of the plan. This caused swinging from denial to distancing. An office affair led to a split in which ex lives part time with a child same age as DC but with no SN. According to child and therapist child feels "replaced." You can't always know what someone's character is until it is tested.

[Anonymous]

Wow that's a though spot. Hope you and your child are doing better now.

[Anonymous]

I think marriages that survive are like all marriages that survive, SN or not. Because there is true partnership and a mutual carrying of the load. The parents are able to work more or less like a well-oiled machine. This is not to deny the heavy load that falls on siblings, the problems of isolation, the questionable education available, the constant anxiety about the child's future, the financial woes -- whether the parents are working well as a team or not, these are incredible stressors. But it helps to have a partnership to fall back on.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it may depend in part on what SN your child has. We are dealing with severe emotional/behavioral/self-regulatory issues and it is so draining. When you have a child who is constantly defiant, screams at you, says awful things and is sometimes destructive or lashes out by hitting, throwing, spitting, etc. - when you deal with this on a near daily basis, then it makes it harder for you to attend to the sort of day-to-day issues a real marriage/partnership requires, because you're just exhausted. Once our DC has gone to bed at night we're often too frazzled to do anything but vegetate in front of a screen or book, and communication can suffer.

We haven't had any kid of fight or tense discussion in years, but that is not necessarily a good thing. I think it's more that we've put those tensions on the back burner in order to deal with the fire in front of us. (Bad metaphor, I know, sorry.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:<<Get to know all aspects of your SN kid and love them all and everything will end up O.K.>>

With all due respect, this is b.s. My DC has wonderful gifts, yes, but they do not compensate for his extreme disabilities. I have no reason to think everything will be ok. I have to consider that we will be caring for him financially and physically into adulthood.

Agree with this. DC's has a mental illness and having witnessed how that has played out in my own family I'm not confident this will end up okay, not at all. Some situations are hard to put a rosy spin on. I would trade my DS's amazing gifts -- of which there are many -- for emotional well-being and mental stability in a heartbeat.

Hugs to you, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think marriages that survive are like all marriages that survive, SN or not. Because there is true partnership and a mutual carrying of the load. The parents are able to work more or less like a well-oiled machine. This is not to deny the heavy load that falls on siblings, the problems of isolation, the questionable education available, the constant anxiety about the child's future, the financial woes -- whether the parents are working well as a team or not, these are incredible stressors. But it helps to have a partnership to fall back on.

I think there's a lot of truth to that.
In my marriage however, I wasn't planning on having a child, much less a sn child.
In fact, I think the marriage occurred b/c of the child.
Had dc been nt, I probably would have been content being a single mom. I was raised by a single mom & I was proud of her for that. She didn't remarry or have any boyfriends, so I'm sure that helped me & my mom.
But b/c dc was sn, I realized I couldn't carry the load alone. And it turned out that I actually did marry someone who is very smart (was in doubt of that while dating) and he's willing to read, discuss, and he *loves* dc dearly and as it turns out loves me dearly. And for that, I love him dearly.

[Anonymous]

^^^ but if he wasn't willing to learn about dc disability, especially b/c he is challenging behaviorally, it would have been hell on earth. And, yes, we would have divorced.

[Anonymous]

So much depends on the level of disability and if the parents are on the same page about the disability in terms of diagnosis, treatment, etc.

We've been fine, but our son's needs are mild in the day-to-day. They mainly are academic needs now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, in fact most of the families I know with SN kids are intact.
.

This is not my experience at all. Lots/most of the families who have SN kids have serious problems and many have divorced. Mine had problems for a few years and I was completely on my own with the kids. We are now trying to put things back together. Seriously, in retrospect, I think if it were possible, it would have been best to stay together just for the kids, but my almost ex physically left when things were at about the most difficult point with my child and I had no input or control over the decision.

Life did get better for us when we could leave the kids periodically to get out on our own.

[Anonymous]

We are in the first year of this and it is Hard. We are challenged. I have faith we will survive. But it is hard to find time for Us. We need to.

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ but if he wasn't willing to learn about dc disability, especially b/c he is challenging behaviorally, it would have been hell on earth. And, yes, we would have divorced.

The bottom line, PP, is that your DH was willing to learn, which shows that (as in many cases sited above), the parents' flexibility and "willingness to learn" are the true determinants of whether the marriage will survive.