sister in law resents everything her brother and I have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to be close to my sister in law (brother's wife) until they got married. I'm older than my brother, single and likely to remain that way. (I was in a relationship when brother and she started dating almost 10 years ago but it ended shortly thereafter and I haven't been in a relationship since.) Everything was fine until brother and she decided to get married. Depressed about my own relationship struggles, I couldn't even pretend to be excited about the wedding, which dominated 100% of all family conversations. Then they ignored any ideas I offered. I was offended at being asked to give a reading--a reading!--when they had a ton of attendants. I'm my brother's only sibling! Then I was upset because I wanted to give a toast honoring the new couple, but they said only parents were "allowed" to toast. The whole thing put a bit of a damper on our relationship. Fast forward to the birth of their kid. Again, I felt crushed at realizing that my baby brother was achieving his dreams of having a family, while I'm all alone. It was really emotionally hard meeting the baby. What's worse is that even my parents are all about the two-year-old--it's like I don't exist in the family any more. And now my SIl and brother give me a rude look every time I try to talk about anything other than successful poops and "brilliant" things their darling said. In any event, this had driven an even bigger wedge into our relationship. It's gotten to the point where I have no desire to make any effort in my relationship with her. I still see her a fair amount as a family, but I don't think I've exchanged an individual email with her in over a year. We used to email somewhat regularly and see each other on our own. Between feeling put off by her lack of concern about me as an individual and being an incredibly busy employee and volunteer, I just don't feel like I want to spend any of my limited free time and energy on a relationship with her, but I know I should. Can somebody please give me a pep talk? Advice on how to mend our relationship. Do I just suck it up?

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to be close to my sister in law (brother's wife) until they got married. I'm older than my brother, single and likely to remain that way. (I was in a relationship when brother and she started dating almost 10 years ago but it ended shortly thereafter and I haven't been in a relationship since.) Everything was fine until brother and she decided to get married. Depressed about my own relationship struggles, I couldn't even pretend to be excited about the wedding, which dominated 100% of all family conversations. Then they ignored any ideas I offered. I was offended at being asked to give a reading--a reading!--when they had a ton of attendants. I'm my brother's only sibling! Then I was upset because I wanted to give a toast honoring the new couple, but they said only parents were "allowed" to toast. The whole thing put a bit of a damper on our relationship. Fast forward to the birth of their kid. Again, I felt crushed at realizing that my baby brother was achieving his dreams of having a family, while I'm all alone. It was really emotionally hard meeting the baby. What's worse is that even my parents are all about the two-year-old--it's like I don't exist in the family any more. And now my SIl and brother give me a rude look every time I try to talk about anything other than successful poops and "brilliant" things their darling said. In any event, this had driven an even bigger wedge into our relationship. It's gotten to the point where I have no desire to make any effort in my relationship with her. I still see her a fair amount as a family, but I don't think I've exchanged an individual email with her in over a year. We used to email somewhat regularly and see each other on our own. Between feeling put off by her lack of concern about me as an individual and being an incredibly busy employee and volunteer, I just don't feel like I want to spend any of my limited free time and energy on a relationship with her, but I know I should. Can somebody please give me a pep talk? Advice on how to mend our relationship. Do I just suck it up?

+100

" Again, I felt crushed at realizing that my baby brother was achieving his dreams of having a family, while I'm all alone"

This is so childish. I would never be friends with someone who is like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think op is narcissistic. I think her sil is a spoiled attention seeker. There are lots of posts on these pages about family/friends who seem to resent anything good that happens in someone else's life. I went through something similar with one sil who later admitted crappy things she did and admitted she was jealous. It worked for us for a time. Once dh and I had children, her problems with not being the center of attention came to the forefront again.

Op, I say drop her. Let her be dh's problem and let him communicate with her. Expect nothing from her. At some point she might grow up and deal with her jealousy/

Can't it be both?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to be close to my sister in law (brother's wife) until they got married. I'm older than my brother, single and likely to remain that way. (I was in a relationship when brother and she started dating almost 10 years ago but it ended shortly thereafter and I haven't been in a relationship since.) Everything was fine until brother and she decided to get married. Depressed about my own relationship struggles, I couldn't even pretend to be excited about the wedding, which dominated 100% of all family conversations. Then they ignored any ideas I offered. I was offended at being asked to give a reading--a reading!--when they had a ton of attendants. I'm my brother's only sibling! Then I was upset because I wanted to give a toast honoring the new couple, but they said only parents were "allowed" to toast. The whole thing put a bit of a damper on our relationship. Fast forward to the birth of their kid. Again, I felt crushed at realizing that my baby brother was achieving his dreams of having a family, while I'm all alone. It was really emotionally hard meeting the baby. What's worse is that even my parents are all about the two-year-old--it's like I don't exist in the family any more. And now my SIl and brother give me a rude look every time I try to talk about anything other than successful poops and "brilliant" things their darling said. In any event, this had driven an even bigger wedge into our relationship. It's gotten to the point where I have no desire to make any effort in my relationship with her. I still see her a fair amount as a family, but I don't think I've exchanged an individual email with her in over a year. We used to email somewhat regularly and see each other on our own. Between feeling put off by her lack of concern about me as an individual and being an incredibly busy employee and volunteer, I just don't feel like I want to spend any of my limited free time and energy on a relationship with her, but I know I should. Can somebody please give me a pep talk? Advice on how to mend our relationship. Do I just suck it up?

+1,000

READ THIS, OP, over and over again, until it sinks in.

Totally agree with this too. OP, your post was one of the most egotistical, nasty posts I've read in a while and really reflects on what a selfish person you likely are.

Really? You must not spend much time on this site!!!!! Also, whoever took the time to write OP's post from the perspective of her sister in law needs to get a life.

I think OP raises some very common issues that many people can relate with. Of course, she should be patient with her SIL and try to see things from her perspective. But nothing in her post indicates that she is an "all about me" type of person who shows zero interest in her SIL's life. I can relate to the SIL in some ways; my sisters both got married long before I did and each had two kids before I got married. I was jealous of them in some ways and was a complete brat when they got engaged, but I got over myself and was still very excited for them when they got married and had their children, and developed a very close relationship with each child. When I got engaged, I actually found that my sisters were a little jealous that the attention was finally on me, and their kids were a little jealous when I had my son because my attention was no longer solely on them!

I think the bottom line is that jealousy is normal and as family we have to be patient with our loved ones. Even though we have all been jealous of each other at various points in our lives, we still come together and are happy for each other because we are family and love each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to be close to my sister in law (husband's sister) until my husband and I got married. Sister in law is older than my husband, single and likely to remain that way. (She was in a relationship when husband and I started dating almost 10 years ago but it ended shortly thereafter and she hasn't been in a relationship since.) Everything was fine until husband and I decided to get married. She couldn't even pretend to be excited about the wedding, so we didn't talk to her about it too much. Then she got mad that we didn't include her in the planning enough. Then the reading we asked her to do wasn't long enough. Then she was upset that we were only going to have our parents give toasts at the wedding. The whole thing put a bit of a damper on our relationship. Fast forward to the birth of our kid. Again, sister in law can barely eek out a congratulations when we tell her I'm pregnant. She doesn't seem very excited when she meets the kid for the first time and over the past two years has been visibly irritated when her parents fawn over their grandkid. Understandably, this all bothered my husband much more than the wedding stuff. In any event, this had driven an even bigger wedge into our relationship. It's gotten to the point where I have no desire to make any effort in my relationship with her. We still see her a fair amount as a family, but I don't think I've exchanged and individual email with her in over a year. We used to email somewhat regularly and see each other on our own. Between feeling put off by her lack of enthusiasm for our marriage and our child and being an incredibly busy working mom, I just don't feel like I want to spend any of my limited free time and energy on a relationship with her, but I know I should. Can somebody please give me a pep talk? Advice on how to mend our relationship. Do I just suck it up?

this is very very very similar to my situation with sil. we were fairly close while dh and i were dating. she was also in a serious relationship. that relationship ended and dh and i got engaged. from that point until now, she has been very cold and distant. i've realized it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her own happiness. she is unhappy with her life. she thought she would have been married with a family years ago, and it hasn't happened for her. every life event, vacation, and other joy that happens for someone else leaves her unable to be happy for other people. ive learned that you can't control other ppl, you can only control your response. keep living your life.

[Anonymous]

This is similar to my relationship with my SIL, except that she is in a relationship with a very nice man who just doesn't believe in marriage or desire children. I am so tired of her being nasty to me, saying nasty and negative things about my child (too short, his nose is always running, he's loud). I just ignore her as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to be close to my sister in law (brother's wife) until they got married. I'm older than my brother, single and likely to remain that way. (I was in a relationship when brother and she started dating almost 10 years ago but it ended shortly thereafter and I haven't been in a relationship since.) Everything was fine until brother and she decided to get married. Depressed about my own relationship struggles, I couldn't even pretend to be excited about the wedding, which dominated 100% of all family conversations. Then they ignored any ideas I offered. I was offended at being asked to give a reading--a reading!--when they had a ton of attendants. I'm my brother's only sibling! Then I was upset because I wanted to give a toast honoring the new couple, but they said only parents were "allowed" to toast. The whole thing put a bit of a damper on our relationship. Fast forward to the birth of their kid. Again, I felt crushed at realizing that my baby brother was achieving his dreams of having a family, while I'm all alone. It was really emotionally hard meeting the baby. What's worse is that even my parents are all about the two-year-old--it's like I don't exist in the family any more. And now my SIl and brother give me a rude look every time I try to talk about anything other than successful poops and "brilliant" things their darling said. In any event, this had driven an even bigger wedge into our relationship. It's gotten to the point where I have no desire to make any effort in my relationship with her. I still see her a fair amount as a family, but I don't think I've exchanged an individual email with her in over a year. We used to email somewhat regularly and see each other on our own. Between feeling put off by her lack of concern about me as an individual and being an incredibly busy employee and volunteer, I just don't feel like I want to spend any of my limited free time and energy on a relationship with her, but I know I should. Can somebody please give me a pep talk? Advice on how to mend our relationship. Do I just suck it up?

OP please do not give this hypothetical a second of your time. I, I, me, me, my, my. Guess what- NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. it is OK for other people to experience joy. it is OK for other people to have life events. not everything is about you. you are not entitled to give a toast. not everything is a personal slight. i think your sil is single b/c of her self absorbed nature. who would want to deal with that attitude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's my pep talk, OP:

Call her up and ask to spend the day with her, just you two. Tell her you want to rekindle your friendship, that you feel like you've neglected it and it's lost its spark. Take her out to lunch, shopping, pedi-mani, or the movies. Something that doesn't revolve around your marriage and child. Because frankly, why WOULD she be interested in an endless parade of child, grandchild, marriage interplay? Why would anyone? Your child may be adorable to you and its grandparents, but the world is just not that interested. Period. Rightfully so. Your SIL has the right not to be interested. Without strings.

sil is not interested in discussing marriage and children because she cannot relate and it makes her sad. i bet that if sil got engaged, then she would expect all the conversation to revolve around her wedding. similarly, if she had a baby, she would want to talk about children. she doesnt, so she doesnt want to talk about it, bc she cannot relate. that's called being self-absorbed and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think op is narcissistic. I think her sil is a spoiled attention seeker. There are lots of posts on these pages about family/friends who seem to resent anything good that happens in someone else's life. I went through something similar with one sil who later admitted crappy things she did and admitted she was jealous. It worked for us for a time. Once dh and I had children, her problems with not being the center of attention came to the forefront again.

Op, I say drop her. Let her be dh's problem and let him communicate with her. Expect nothing from her. At some point she might grow up and deal with her jealousy/

this is my sil. scarily accurate.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL is just jealous. She wants what you have. I wouldn't put any effort into the relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, welcome to my world. First, you are another woman in the family, and SIL may feel competitive, even threatened that you are different. You may inadvertently make her look bad to MIL. SIL can not try to control you, as she did with your DH, as DH is younger than SIL.

I married a younger brother. There is history. Nothing he ever does will be good enough. It doesn't matter how many jobs he gives his sister; how well he does in life; nothing......I don't wait for a compliment from SIL (or in my case, MIL, too, as SIL is the favorite child).

You need to not try to please her. She is negative and always will be. Do not wait for her to be happy for you. It won't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is just jealous. She wants what you have. I wouldn't put any effort into the relationship.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think op is narcissistic. I think her sil is a spoiled attention seeker. There are lots of posts on these pages about family/friends who seem to resent anything good that happens in someone else's life. I went through something similar with one sil who later admitted crappy things she did and admitted she was jealous. It worked for us for a time. Once dh and I had children, her problems with not being the center of attention came to the forefront again.

Op, I say drop her. Let her be dh's problem and let him communicate with her. Expect nothing from her. At some point she might grow up and deal with her jealousy/

this is my sil. scarily accurate.

Me too. My SIL is a HUGE attention seeker, who tries to deflect. Toxic.