sister in law resents everything her brother and I have

[Anonymous]

My SIL is nearly identical to yours -- older, single, going to stay that way because she drives men away. The end wasn't happy. The men she's alienated now include her brothers, including DH, and her concerted efforts to alienate GFs over the years didn't help.

I don't know what to tell you because everything I did backfired. That's the thing about prejudice. SIL predetermined that she'd hate me and then lived out her self-fulfilling prophecy, an especially bad choice because DH can't stand when people tell him what to do. Over the years, the damages built until SIL's relationships with DH and BIL (DH's brother) were severed.

Protect your relationship and your kids. If SIL is determined to spew hate, the best you can do is focus on the reason you married DH: you love him. It's SIL's relationship with her brother that she's ultimately throwing away. It's DH who's really being torn by this. Hold on, support him and remember -- only he can work out his conflicts with his sister.

The greatest gift you can give to your kids is for you and DH to model love for each other and to raise your kids to value each other as siblings through life and to love each other unconditionally.

I hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a SIL who is married and "looks good on paper". Truth is, she will never be happy. I am not sure if you are her or vice versa.

Anyway, you can't make anyone happy but yourself. If you are trying to mind her business, or she yours, it needs to stop. Yesterday.

IL's are nosy of done reason - to find fault - whether real or imagined. You two are too intertwined, you need some space.

She is not your cheerleader, nor you hers. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

What do you guys think when someone posts something like this, and then doesn't interact at all with the feedback? Why do I always go straight to thinking it was a troll who posted the original, just to watch people spin around and give heated or enthusiastic advice?

I suppose even if it is a troll, there are often others in similiar situations (as evidenced in this thread), so maybe it's not all for nothing, but it always puts me off when the OP doesn't come back and interact. That is, assuming enough time has gone by that they can get back online again.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is like this. She expects the entire family to bend over backward to celebrate her or her daughter's every tiny occasion (she's a single mom, so they do) yet now that I'm pregnant with the 2nd grandchild on that side, she is nowhere to be found. Is it annoying? Yes. But I haven't been doing things for my niece or her bc I needed payback, I did it because I wanted too. She is clearly anxious about her role as the only mom in our generation being usurped by me since she always thought she'd have more kids and get married (which didn't happen). She loves being the center of attention and now that her brother and I will have the little kids in the family, it's just sort of normal that the attention will shift a bit.

But I don't need her to be my cheerleader. My family is ecstatic, I have tons of wonderful friends, and even my parent-inlaws will be great. Is her glaring silence hurtful sometimes? Sure, I can say it hurts my feelings at times. But honestly, I need to get over it and so do you. My baby will have a cadre of terrific aunties and if one of the blood related ones isn't interested in a bigger role, that's fine by me.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL has a relationship with her DH, not you. Your problem is with him, not her. If you don't want to give a reading, say "no."

Then remind yourself that your relationship is with your brother, not SIL. Your is HIS sister, not hers.

When will DCUM posters grow up and realize that marriage is not a Mind Meld, either to the spouse or his/her family?

It's unreasonable and unfair to expect ILs to be as close as the DH/DW's family of origin.

Accept reality, OP, and go on with your life as a grownup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to be close to my sister in law (brother's wife) until they got married. I'm older than my brother, single and likely to remain that way. (I was in a relationship when brother and she started dating almost 10 years ago but it ended shortly thereafter and I haven't been in a relationship since.) Everything was fine until brother and she decided to get married. Depressed about my own relationship struggles, I couldn't even pretend to be excited about the wedding, which dominated 100% of all family conversations. Then they ignored any ideas I offered. I was offended at being asked to give a reading--a reading!--when they had a ton of attendants. I'm my brother's only sibling! Then I was upset because I wanted to give a toast honoring the new couple, but they said only parents were "allowed" to toast. The whole thing put a bit of a damper on our relationship. Fast forward to the birth of their kid. Again, I felt crushed at realizing that my baby brother was achieving his dreams of having a family, while I'm all alone. It was really emotionally hard meeting the baby. What's worse is that even my parents are all about the two-year-old--it's like I don't exist in the family any more. And now my SIl and brother give me a rude look every time I try to talk about anything other than successful poops and "brilliant" things their darling said. In any event, this had driven an even bigger wedge into our relationship. It's gotten to the point where I have no desire to make any effort in my relationship with her. I still see her a fair amount as a family, but I don't think I've exchanged an individual email with her in over a year. We used to email somewhat regularly and see each other on our own. Between feeling put off by her lack of concern about me as an individual and being an incredibly busy employee and volunteer, I just don't feel like I want to spend any of my limited free time and energy on a relationship with her, but I know I should. Can somebody please give me a pep talk? Advice on how to mend our relationship. Do I just suck it up?

+1,000

READ THIS, OP, over and over again, until it sinks in.

Totally agree with this too. OP, your post was one of the most egotistical, nasty posts I've read in a while and really reflects on what a selfish person you likely are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to be close to my sister in law (brother's wife) until they got married. I'm older than my brother, single and likely to remain that way. (I was in a relationship when brother and she started dating almost 10 years ago but it ended shortly thereafter and I haven't been in a relationship since.) Everything was fine until brother and she decided to get married. Depressed about my own relationship struggles, I couldn't even pretend to be excited about the wedding, which dominated 100% of all family conversations. Then they ignored any ideas I offered. I was offended at being asked to give a reading--a reading!--when they had a ton of attendants. I'm my brother's only sibling! Then I was upset because I wanted to give a toast honoring the new couple, but they said only parents were "allowed" to toast. The whole thing put a bit of a damper on our relationship. Fast forward to the birth of their kid. Again, I felt crushed at realizing that my baby brother was achieving his dreams of having a family, while I'm all alone. It was really emotionally hard meeting the baby. What's worse is that even my parents are all about the two-year-old--it's like I don't exist in the family any more. And now my SIl and brother give me a rude look every time I try to talk about anything other than successful poops and "brilliant" things their darling said. In any event, this had driven an even bigger wedge into our relationship. It's gotten to the point where I have no desire to make any effort in my relationship with her. I still see her a fair amount as a family, but I don't think I've exchanged an individual email with her in over a year. We used to email somewhat regularly and see each other on our own. Between feeling put off by her lack of concern about me as an individual and being an incredibly busy employee and volunteer, I just don't feel like I want to spend any of my limited free time and energy on a relationship with her, but I know I should. Can somebody please give me a pep talk? Advice on how to mend our relationship. Do I just suck it up?

+1,000

READ THIS, OP, over and over again, until it sinks in.

Totally agree with this too. OP, your post was one of the most egotistical, nasty posts I've read in a while and really reflects on what a selfish person you likely are.

Give the OP a break and stop being so judgmental. She merely told us the situation in her view of things, and we can offer her other viewpoints that she may not otherwise see. I'm sure we're all guilty of that at one point in our lives. No one is perfect and that certainly doesn't make her/him automatically egotistical and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Wonder if OP would say the same if the IL was a man?
Different expectations?

[Anonymous]

My guess:

SIL barely remembers OP's wedding, and couldn't tell you what she read or who gave the preciously and few toasts.

SIL congratulated OP on her pregnancy and kid as sincerely and as much as anyone.

SIL misses her relationship with OP, too, back when OP could talk about more than just her wedding, her pregnancy and her kid.

[Anonymous]

I'm always suspicious when people say others "resent" them or are "jealous" of them. 99.999% of the time, there's a huge gap in the information they're sharing.

Saying that someone else is jealous or resentful is a shortcut to avoiding self-reflection on the personal responsibility in contributing to the fractured relationship. It's an easy distraction.

[Anonymous]

I am the childless SIL in my family, my brother and his wife have 2 kids (whom I love very much). I am the one who sleeps on couches/hotel rooms and always has to do the traveling because it's "easier". For them. And that's true, no matter how much I want to argue it. So I make the trips and send the cards and try not to think too much about the fact that my life choices, which are as relevant and "right" as anyone else's, relegates me to second class citizen status. I hope when the kids are older they will come to me but I don't know that now and am not going to expect or project the worst case scenario. Maybe your SIL isn't as perfect as I am (j/k! mostly) but cut her a little slack.

[Anonymous]

Here's my pep talk, OP:

Call her up and ask to spend the day with her, just you two. Tell her you want to rekindle your friendship, that you feel like you've neglected it and it's lost its spark. Take her out to lunch, shopping, pedi-mani, or the movies. Something that doesn't revolve around your marriage and child. Because frankly, why WOULD she be interested in an endless parade of child, grandchild, marriage interplay? Why would anyone? Your child may be adorable to you and its grandparents, but the world is just not that interested. Period. Rightfully so. Your SIL has the right not to be interested. Without strings.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the most blindly narcissistic posts I've ever read on DCUM. I really hope this person was just a troll.

[Anonymous]

I don't think op is narcissistic. I think her sil is a spoiled attention seeker. There are lots of posts on these pages about family/friends who seem to resent anything good that happens in someone else's life. I went through something similar with one sil who later admitted crappy things she did and admitted she was jealous. It worked for us for a time. Once dh and I had children, her problems with not being the center of attention came to the forefront again.

Op, I say drop her. Let her be dh's problem and let him communicate with her. Expect nothing from her. At some point she might grow up and deal with her jealousy/

[Anonymous]

Not op. I'm surprised there are so few posters who empathize. I married late and have older siblings and wasn't an attendant in two weddings of older sibs. I never would have said a word or acted upset. How do you give a person a pass for that type of childish behavior.