Marriage counseling--how ridiculous is it

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling is only worth it if you can find a good counselor. DH and I went through three counselors. The first two did nothing for our marriage, it just wasn't helping.

The counselor that we are with now is wonderful. He is a man (while the other two were women) so I'm not sure if that is what has made the difference. But both DH and I like his style. He has a lot of good view points and suggestions.

[Anonymous]

To 13:25 - I honestly think that if you just bite the bullet and go for it, you will see a huge difference. I truly believe that men become belligerent if they don't have sex. Flame away, but I think it's true. By having sex regularly (almost every night), I've seen my DH go from a giant a-hole to the sweet guy I married. Looking back, we had sex all the time before kids. Then things slowed down. We were tired and busy. Then we got to a place where we were constantly hostile. So I tried this thinking that if I were more loving and intimate, that perhaps he would mirror that behavior. It totally worked.

Turns out, all you need is love.

[Anonymous]

My thought is that if you're a very private person, you may lack some communications skills, or lack the ability to know when things should be communicated and when it's ok to keep things to yourself. a counselor should just be a neutral party- not on your side, not on his. They will have a perspective on you and your partner and your relationship that you won't have because you're in it. Sure, there may be some advice that's trite or obvious, but then again, have you done some of the obvious stuff? (or just pooh-poohed it because it's obvious? some stuff is obvious because it works.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a private person. The thought of talking to some random stranger does not appeal. Plus, I worry about non-evidenced based counseling practices and worry it will just be too hokey.

At the same time, marriage is pretty miserable. Your garden variety post kids stuff. But I don't see how we repair this gulf between us. I am so angry and sad a lot of the time and basically feel like DH doesn't like me anymore. We fight and there is never any repair.

He'll go to counseling with me, he says. But I just really doubt it will help. I hate the thought of telling our troubles to someone outside the marriage. I hate the thought of bringing someone else into the equation. If we wanted to do things like date nights or a list of things to build intimacy we could. We are not stupid people. People always suggest counseling but I just suspect it would be excruciating and a waste of money. But I don't know what else to do.

The tone of your post suggests your marital sex life is probably very lacking. It's hard to stay mad at each other if you're having frequent good sex. What does "garden variety post kids stuff" mean? You're trivializing unspoken problems that are endangering your marriage. How is that garden variety?

When was the last time you sucked your husband to completion? I'll bet you do it never/not very often. You don't need crap like date nights to have a better sex life.

Of course maybe you are one of those resentful wives who's never really liked having sex with her spouse or sees it as just a bothersome burden. In that case maybe there isn't much left worth saving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapists are taught how to establish a comfortable relationship with their patients.

The reality OP, is that if you could do it on your own, you'd have done it. If you don't want to get divorced, then you need to do everything in your power to save your marriage, even if it's uncomfortable for you.

I would guess that your rigidity may be a factor in the problems in your marriage, just based on your OP. Marriage counseling has helped hundreds of thousands of couples, if not more. Do you HONESTLY think you're that much brighter than all of them? Again, if you were capable due to your self-proclaimed smarts, of saving your marriage, you'd have done it already.

If she goes to counseling and the answer is that she needs to be much more giving sexually to her husband to repair the marriage that's something she doesn't want to hear. But she knows that's the source of the marital problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Contraindications to marriage counseling:

Active addiction
Active infidelity
Domestic Violence

You are never going to get anywhere with the process if this is happening in your marriage.

Would you also include fundamental sexual incompatibility where one or the other spouse is unwilling to meet the other's sexual needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try this, OP: bust out the lingerie and initiate sex tonight. And randomly hug him tomorrow. And be nice even if you don't feel like it. Then initiate sex again tomorrow night.

DH and I were at each others throats and ready to kill each other when I opted to take the high road, be nice (even though he was being a douche) and initiate sex for a few nights in a row. Then he magically started to be kinder and more loving from that point on.

How many nights did you have to have sex with him?

Just kidding. This is actually good advice. I am not the pp but in a bad place w my husband. We have started counseling recently. Unfortunately I am not even in a place where I can even have sex with him.

Did you spill crazy glue on your vagina or something and now it's sealed shut?

Of course you can have sex with him--you just don't WANT to. You're denying sex to punish him knowing how much he's suffering from that, even at the risk of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To 13:25 - I honestly think that if you just bite the bullet and go for it, you will see a huge difference. I truly believe that men become belligerent if they don't have sex. Flame away, but I think it's true. By having sex regularly (almost every night), I've seen my DH go from a giant a-hole to the sweet guy I married. Looking back, we had sex all the time before kids. Then things slowed down. We were tired and busy. Then we got to a place where we were constantly hostile. So I tried this thinking that if I were more loving and intimate, that perhaps he would mirror that behavior. It totally worked.

Turns out, all you need is love.

LOL why is it that so many women think they can do away with a good sex life and have anything left of the marriage?

Do you think he would have married you in the first place if the sex was going to dry up?

[Anonymous]

It's only helpful is both are fully engaged with the process and actively want to fix the marriage.

[Anonymous]

It was very helpful for us. Dh was highly resistant to the idea and he probably got the most out of it. It's a mistake to think that your issues are so complicated and unique that no trained pro could possibly help. They're not.
Why not at least try it? You say you are miserable in the most important relationship of your life. What is the logic in not choosing help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try this, OP: bust out the lingerie and initiate sex tonight. And randomly hug him tomorrow. And be nice even if you don't feel like it. Then initiate sex again tomorrow night.

DH and I were at each others throats and ready to kill each other when I opted to take the high road, be nice (even though he was being a douche) and initiate sex for a few nights in a row. Then he magically started to be kinder and more loving from that point on.

How many nights did you have to have sex with him?

Just kidding. This is actually good advice. I am not the pp but in a bad place w my husband. We have started counseling recently. Unfortunately I am not even in a place where I can even have sex with him.

Did you spill crazy glue on your vagina or something and now it's sealed shut?

Of course you can have sex with him--you just don't WANT to. You're denying sex to punish him knowing how much he's suffering from that, even at the risk of your marriage.

She says right in her post "This is actually good advice.", but then goes on to say she is in a bad place, blah, blah. Women love to use sex as a weapon.

I have been here with my wife, and believe me, when she is kind, giving, and sexually satisfying, I melt. I cannot be grumpy, short, or combative with someone who is loving, caring, and building me up. For god's sake, try and give a little and you will be amazed at how far it goes in your favor.

[Anonymous]

A good counselor will help facilitate ways to communicate and work through your problems so you can be successful on your own. Just like a physical therapist can't do work for you, a marital counselor can't solve your problems. They just give exercise to strengthen you. Those techniques vary from counselor to counselor, there are good and bad ones.

Sometimes before you can ask your spouse to address a problem, you have to look internally at whether it is really an issue with them, or something internal with you. That is when individual counseling is helpful too.

At the end of the day, it is all about perspective. A good counselor helps a person broaden that.