Marriage counseling--how ridiculous is it

[Anonymous]

It depends on the counselor. We went through some pretty useless sessions till we found an effective facilitator.

[Anonymous]

I am the pp who did the successful EFT counseling with my spouse.

We chose a counselor with a PH.D, not a LCPC. He was calm, wise, and able. I have two Ivy degrees and my husband is similarly educated, and, honestly, we wanted someone whom we could not talk circles around. This guy was solid. He helped us learn how to get our needs met within our relationship in ways that were sustainable and concrete. We could have talked for hours in our living room and never gotten to the place we did with the counselor in a short time. Best $2000 we ever spent (actually insurance covered it). We probably would be divorced right now instead of happily celebrating our 22 anniversary.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have been together for over a decade and we always prided ourselves on having an open relationship with good communication. But after our child was born, and I had to make some career sacrifices as a result, things just spiraled down for us. My DH resented me for not working and then making him "feel bad" and I resented him for not helping enough when he was around. It got to a point where my DH was becoming paranoid and pushing all these strange feelings onto me.

We went to a couple of marriage counseling sessions and it helped tremendously. We were worried about the cost, so we found someone at the Womens Center and we only had to pay a co-pay. I would highly recommend it if both of you are on board.

I also agree that is really strange to talk to someone else about your problems. The first session was super hard but it got easier.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has had a troubled marriage due to DH's many deep seated problems that manifested in addiction and denial, I can say I am one of the thousands not ultimately directly helped by counseling.

I think whether it helps really depends on a complex variety of factors, from the nature of the problem that brings you to the office in the 1st place to what those problems ultimately relate to an a deeper level. I just happen to be in very imbalanced situation with a very unlevel playing field. However I will say my last solo visit to our therapist served to prove that she could not do anything for me because I could not do anything to make my husband change. Which then prompted much soul searching and led me to let go entirely of the idea of him ever being the man I had thought he was and hoped he would return to. Its just not up to me, and I feel oddly at peace. Which I could not have imagined two weeks ago.

So had I not gone to counseling with him, I would have never known that he was misleading her AND me the entire time, and then I would never have figured out WHY had he ultimately not sought treatment for his depression which exposed the other much deeper probably unfixable (certainly by me) issues.

BY hook and by crook, the PhD counselor helped, but it did not save the marriage. The marriage,if it is saved, will be saved by the choices DH and I make. I now know I must choose to do what is right when it presents itself, but I do not have to fix whats wrong. Because I cant.

But my case is the kind of case it is. Its not garden variety post kid stuff. I still think counseling is a crapshoot. You get what you get, and you will probably need to keep looking to get what you really need.

OP you should try it if for no other reason than it cant get too much worse from where it is now, and you may be surprised at what you discover! Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

OP,
Are you an MPH? (Evidence-based.)
Do you want to save your marriage?
Either way, you have a child to raise. If you divorce, you have to work together, communicate, etc.
Tons of people go through this, and stay married. The transition to parenthood is rocky. Others divorce.
Finding a counselor with whom you can work can help you navigate parenting in a rough marriage or through separation and divorce.
Also, I'd get checked for depression.

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling really helped us, even though counsellor was goofy. And we both agreed he was. But having time to talk and essentially a facilitator helped us understand each other better. Definitely helped our marriage.

[Anonymous]

We've not been helped by counseling either. But that is probably because the marriage is not salvageable.

But if you both go into it (a) wanting to save and (b) agreeing it is the job of both of you to work, then it might be better.

[Anonymous]

Contraindications to marriage counseling:

Active addiction
Active infidelity
Domestic Violence

You are never going to get anywhere with the process if this is happening in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Contraindications to marriage counseling:

Active addiction
Active infidelity
Domestic Violence

You are never going to get anywhere with the process if this is happening in your marriage.

Well, that's your list. How about mental illness??? A personality disorder? OCD? How about subtle personality changes after heart surgery or a brain injury? How about different sexual preferences of one sort or another?

Or others might add money troubles, an underemployed spouse, a spouse who refuses to communicate, a spouse who is emotionally distant, a realization that you and your spouse have different values. Some people just should never have married in the first place. They realize this one day. Or they grow apart. The list can go on and on.

And statistically for the majority of women, it's not active infidelity. It's infidelity, period. Many people don't want to remain married to someone who broke their wedding vows and betrayed them. If the spouse isn't sufficiently remorseful, the marriage might not be salvageable with MC.

MC only works in a few situations, I believe, and they are HIGHLY subjective. Mostly, though, it can only work if two well-meaning and honest people are going into it fully willing to work at it and spends tons and tons of time and money.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I think this is the best article I've read. Buyer beware:

http://www.marketwatch.com/story/10-things-your-marriage-counselor-wont-say-1345237916645

[Anonymous]

Try this, OP: bust out the lingerie and initiate sex tonight. And randomly hug him tomorrow. And be nice even if you don't feel like it. Then initiate sex again tomorrow night.

DH and I were at each others throats and ready to kill each other when I opted to take the high road, be nice (even though he was being a douche) and initiate sex for a few nights in a row. Then he magically started to be kinder and more loving from that point on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try this, OP: bust out the lingerie and initiate sex tonight. And randomly hug him tomorrow. And be nice even if you don't feel like it. Then initiate sex again tomorrow night.

DH and I were at each others throats and ready to kill each other when I opted to take the high road, be nice (even though he was being a douche) and initiate sex for a few nights in a row. Then he magically started to be kinder and more loving from that point on.

How many nights did you have to have sex with him?

Just kidding. This is actually good advice. I am not the pp but in a bad place w my husband. We have started counseling recently. Unfortunately I am not even in a place where I can even have sex with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a private person. The thought of talking to some random stranger does not appeal. Plus, I worry about non-evidenced based counseling practices and worry it will just be too hokey.

At the same time, marriage is pretty miserable. Your garden variety post kids stuff. But I don't see how we repair this gulf between us. I am so angry and sad a lot of the time and basically feel like DH doesn't like me anymore. We fight and there is never any repair.

He'll go to counseling with me, he says. But I just really doubt it will help. I hate the thought of telling our troubles to someone outside the marriage. I hate the thought of bringing someone else into the equation. If we wanted to do things like date nights or a list of things to build intimacy we could. We are not stupid people. People always suggest counseling but I just suspect it would be excruciating and a waste of money. But I don't know what else to do.

Counseling might not help you, but if it does, it'll be cheaper and less excruciating than a divorce, which is where it sounds like you're headed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapists are taught how to establish a comfortable relationship with their patients.

The reality OP, is that if you could do it on your own, you'd have done it. If you don't want to get divorced, then you need to do everything in your power to save your marriage, even if it's uncomfortable for you.

I would guess that your rigidity may be a factor in the problems in your marriage, just based on your OP. Marriage counseling has helped hundreds of thousands of couples, if not more. Do you HONESTLY think you're that much brighter than all of them? Again, if you were capable due to your self-proclaimed smarts, of saving your marriage, you'd have done it already.

Not OP, but there are thousands of couples who haven't been helped from counseling, too.

The one person I know in real life who is a marriage counselor has the most dysfunctional marriage I've ever witnessed. Most of the people I knew in college who were on the path to being counselors were kind of screwed up.

I know that's just anecdotal, but it has always clouded my view of counselors.

I have a different and better view of psychiatrists. Most of the people headed in that direction were more interested in hard science and research and seemed a lot less new agey.

I'm sure I'll get flamed for saying this.

So if thousands have been helped and thousands haven't, isn't it worth spending 6-8 sessions seeing which one OP and her DH may be? Counseling is a tool. It is not the counselor's responsibility to save a marriage. It is up to the people going to counseling.

If there are kids and talk of divorce, agree with other posters that it is worth at least trying. If nothing else, counseling might help the couple resolve some issues to make divorce and coparenting easier. Because I think we can all agree there are definitely thousands of bitter divorcees out there.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely unhelpful in repairing my marriage. Individual counseling, at least for me, was much more helpful. I felt that marriage counseling and individual counseling were useless to my husband. That being said, I think our marriage is in a good place now. Best thing I ever did for my marriage was to quit 3 years of marriage counseling, in which the best outcome was identification of DH's depression, which he would not face. I should have quit sooner.

That being said, we are much better 4 years later and we do go see the counselor still on occassion when we are having disputes. I hate to say it, but the book How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About, which I bought used, helped my marriage as muchn or more than the couples counseling. DH never read it, but I did. Changed my perspective. Some of it is hokey, but the fundamentals helped me.