Single moms: reality check

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and have two small kids. I can't imagine letting any unrelated man live in my home with my daughters.

That said, my unemployed, uneducated, homeless poor, overweight, bald ex-husband has been taken into a very nice home by a single working mom with two kids. She doesn't seem to be worried at all about having an unrelated male in her home.

Desperation perhaps? I dunno. But your ex might be right that he will be snapped up.

So you do not ever plan to remarry, then?

I am the PP up thread living with my boyfriend, not currently engaged. I can't imagine letting any man in my life, not to mention my vagina, who I wouldn't trust around my daughter. But way to assume that all men are child molesters.

What happens if the man living with you never proposes? You going to move out? Have a baby with him?

I'm not PP, but am definitely open to marriage. That said, I'm not going to let my child experience the "break up" should it not work out.

If our informal engagement does not turn into a formal one soon, I'd start a conversation with him about it. If it turned out that his feelings had changed, he would move out. As for DD experiencing the break up, given that we have been together for a couple of years and she's known him for most of that time, she would "experience" our break up whether he lived in his own apartment or not. I would try to minimize the impact on her and certainly would conduct myself as gracefully and cordially as I did when divorcing her father, who remains a friend.

Listen, I'm not saying that the OP's ex isn't a loser. I'm also not saying that the PP's ex isn't a loser. Everyone's situation is more complicated than we reveal here (like, for example, I know the reason that I didn't get a ring in December is that we had an unexpected car expense in November). I just don't think that the oft mentioned axiom of "He can meet my kids when he gives me a ring" is a good idea at all. How could you possibly commit to a man without at least a glimpse of what his relationship with your child would be? How can you think that by not moving in with a man, you will protect your child from experiencing a break up? It's how we react to these situations that is important, not the nuts and bolts of the situations themselves.

I'm the single dad PP - to me it's not about waiting until an engagement in order to meet the kids. For me, I don't want to expose my DD to women who might only be short-term relationships. i want her to see and know what a real, loving relationship is and what that entails. Once I'm serious with a woman - and realistically this means being in an exclusive relationship for probably at least 6 months just to due to logistics of a demanding career and parenthood, dating is not a typical every weekend type of thing - then I would introduce her to my DD. and the flip side is also true in that I would not want to her kids until I know we are serious (not just monogamous).

That sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I just don't think that it's universally true that every single dating parent will take 6 months to establish that they are serious enough about a relationship to introduce their child into it. For me, it was 2 months of "dating" someone I'd already known for a couple of years platonically. For my ex, it was about a month of dating a woman he fell head over heels for. Their relationship did not work out romantically, but I don't think that he did lasting damage to DD by introducing her to a woman who was that important to him. Everyone's standards are going to be different. It's not out of the question that someone's standard might be "move my kids in with this guy who isn't that serious about me".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not living with anyone with my child unless there is a marriage. But I'm also not the "oh crap I was 20 years old and didn't think about birth control and had fun partying" kind of single mother.

You ex is looking for trouble -- the kind of woman who would sign up for his plan is the kind of woman a sane man would want to avoid becoming entangled with.

I'm a oh-crap and pregnant in my mid twenties and would not move in (or vice versa) without a commitment.

What's an "oh-crap"?

Accidental pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

I have decided that if I ever become a single mom (ie, get divorced) I would never remarry. I would have serious trouble trusting a man not to molest my kids. Even if I trusted him on that front, I would not lightly invite him to share a home. Your husband is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get the question. It would, of course, depend on the woman.

I'm a single mom, divorced 4 years. I've never even introduced my kids to someone (getting to that...). So this single mom won't be shacking up with anyone.

I have a friend who divorced at the same time as me and she has lived with 2 different guys. She brought them into her home. But she comes from divorced parents and even though she says their choices screwed her up completely, she still did this. I'm not friendly with her as much anymore b/c I really couldn't relate to her decisions.

I knew a woman who married twice and lived with two subsequent guys she was supposedly engaged to, but the disturbing part was that she dragged her children through all of these dramas. OP, if you're for real, please tell your Ex just to dump the woman outright because he's not committed at all. There are kids to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"...my unemployed, uneducated, homeless poor, overweight, bald ex-husband has been taken into a very nice home by a single working mom with two kids. She doesn't seem to be worried at all about having an unrelated male in her home.

Desperation perhaps? I dunno."

I hope you see the irony of criticizing someone dating your ex, who was presumably "unemployed, uneducated, homeless poor, overweight, bald" at some point during your relationship. Desperation perhaps?

We married many years ago, when we were both young, thin, attractive - and gainfully employed. I never would have divorced him merely for the things above. It was the third cheating incident that prompted me finally to listen to our marital therapist, accept that he was not going to change, and divorce him.

My point is for the OP. She asked if it's really possible someone would want her ex. My therapist, who had gotten to know my charming husband, said to me in our private session one night towards the end of my marriage, "Someone will take him, you know. You need to be prepared for that. I see it all the time. No matter how awful he is (and at that point the therapist was totally convinced) someone will take him".

Someone will take him, OP.

The answer to OP's question based on my experience is that someone will take him, no matter how much baggage he may have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and have two small kids. I can't imagine letting any unrelated man live in my home with my daughters.

That said, my unemployed, uneducated, homeless poor, overweight, bald ex-husband has been taken into a very nice home by a single working mom with two kids. She doesn't seem to be worried at all about having an unrelated male in her home.

Desperation perhaps? I dunno. But your ex might be right that he will be snapped up.

So you do not ever plan to remarry, then?

I am the PP up thread living with my boyfriend, not currently engaged. I can't imagine letting any man in my life, not to mention my vagina, who I wouldn't trust around my daughter. But way to assume that all men are child molesters.

What happens if the man living with you never proposes? You going to move out? Have a baby with him?

I'm not PP, but am definitely open to marriage. That said, I'm not going to let my child experience the "break up" should it not work out.

If our informal engagement does not turn into a formal one soon, I'd start a conversation with him about it. If it turned out that his feelings had changed, he would move out. As for DD experiencing the break up, given that we have been together for a couple of years and she's known him for most of that time, she would "experience" our break up whether he lived in his own apartment or not. I would try to minimize the impact on her and certainly would conduct myself as gracefully and cordially as I did when divorcing her father, who remains a friend.

Listen, I'm not saying that the OP's ex isn't a loser. I'm also not saying that the PP's ex isn't a loser. Everyone's situation is more complicated than we reveal here (like, for example, I know the reason that I didn't get a ring in December is that we had an unexpected car expense in November). I just don't think that the oft mentioned axiom of "He can meet my kids when he gives me a ring" is a good idea at all. How could you possibly commit to a man without at least a glimpse of what his relationship with your child would be? How can you think that by not moving in with a man, you will protect your child from experiencing a break up? It's how we react to these situations that is important, not the nuts and bolts of the situations themselves.

I'm the single dad PP - to me it's not about waiting until an engagement in order to meet the kids. For me, I don't want to expose my DD to women who might only be short-term relationships. i want her to see and know what a real, loving relationship is and what that entails. Once I'm serious with a woman - and realistically this means being in an exclusive relationship for probably at least 6 months just to due to logistics of a demanding career and parenthood, dating is not a typical every weekend type of thing - then I would introduce her to my DD. and the flip side is also true in that I would not want to her kids until I know we are serious (not just monogamous).

That sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I just don't think that it's universally true that every single dating parent will take 6 months to establish that they are serious enough about a relationship to introduce their child into it. For me, it was 2 months of "dating" someone I'd already known for a couple of years platonically. For my ex, it was about a month of dating a woman he fell head over heels for. Their relationship did not work out romantically, but I don't think that he did lasting damage to DD by introducing her to a woman who was that important to him. Everyone's standards are going to be different. It's not out of the question that someone's standard might be "move my kids in with this guy who isn't that serious about me".

When your ex introduced the woman to DD, were they living together or just dating? It's not like DD was living with him and his GF, which more equates to what OP's ex wants to do. Introductions are relatively harmless. Living together and leading a child to believe that the relationship will be stable and reliable is what could lead to attachment and feelings of hurt after the relationship dissolves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and have two small kids. I can't imagine letting any unrelated man live in my home with my daughters.

That said, my unemployed, uneducated, homeless poor, overweight, bald ex-husband has been taken into a very nice home by a single working mom with two kids. She doesn't seem to be worried at all about having an unrelated male in her home.

Desperation perhaps? I dunno. But your ex might be right that he will be snapped up.

So you do not ever plan to remarry, then?

I am the PP up thread living with my boyfriend, not currently engaged. I can't imagine letting any man in my life, not to mention my vagina, who I wouldn't trust around my daughter. But way to assume that all men are child molesters.

I do not plan to marry again for many reasons. Clearly I am not the best judge of male character. I'm too independent. I've gotten used to having my own place and my own way. I have my own financial life that I've built now. And no, I don't trust men. Read the "creepy stories" thread on page one of Off Topic and then tell me I am wrong.

The presence of a step father in the home at least doubles the likelihood of molestation of children.

http://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/child-sexual-abuse.aspx

Thank you but I can wait a few years to shack up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and have two small kids. I can't imagine letting any unrelated man live in my home with my daughters.

That said, my unemployed, uneducated, homeless poor, overweight, bald ex-husband has been taken into a very nice home by a single working mom with two kids. She doesn't seem to be worried at all about having an unrelated male in her home.

Desperation perhaps? I dunno. But your ex might be right that he will be snapped up.

So you do not ever plan to remarry, then?

I am the PP up thread living with my boyfriend, not currently engaged. I can't imagine letting any man in my life, not to mention my vagina, who I wouldn't trust around my daughter. But way to assume that all men are child molesters.

I do not plan to marry again for many reasons. Clearly I am not the best judge of male character. I'm too independent. I've gotten used to having my own place and my own way. I have my own financial life that I've built now. And no, I don't trust men. Read the "creepy stories" thread on page one of Off Topic and then tell me I am wrong.

The presence of a step father in the home at least doubles the likelihood of molestation of children.

http://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/child-sexual-abuse.aspx

Thank you but I can wait a few years to shack up.

If that's what works best for you, that's fine. But I do disagree with this perception that men are scum, preying on single moms, that women who enter new relationships are desperate or damaged. There are a lot of people out there. Some percentage of them are creeps. Selection criteria are important. So is good judgment.

Good luck with everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of women (single moms or not) make terrible decisions when it comes to men and romance. I have no doubt he could find a single mom happy to move in with him. I'm sure he could find plenty of other single moms who won't even let him meet their kids without some commitment.

This is why my husband is screwed up.