Single moms: reality check

[Anonymous]

Single mom, have been in a serious relationship for a year. I'm widowed and, while I can see us together for the long haul, I have no intention of remarrying or moving someone into our home. I want to be 100% certain that assets go to my kids and think keeping separate spaces makes it easier to honestly evaluate how a relationship is working for me and for my children. Shacking up could lead to inertia and make it tough to end a relationship if needed.
Kids have met and spent significant time with my SO--he was a friend before we started dating and they already knew him.

Do I believe your ex can find someone to shack up with him? Yes, I think he can, based on the choices made by some divorced and widowed acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not living with anyone with my child unless there is a marriage. But I'm also not the "oh crap I was 20 years old and didn't think about birth control and had fun partying" kind of single mother.

You ex is looking for trouble -- the kind of woman who would sign up for his plan is the kind of woman a sane man would want to avoid becoming entangled with.

I'm a oh-crap and pregnant in my mid twenties and would not move in (or vice versa) without a commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the question?

As a single Mom, would you move-in (with your kids) with a new boyfriend without a commitment to marriage?

^^^
Didn't answer your question. Like a PP, I would never give up my own home and put myself in the position of being without a place to live if the relationship went south.

[Anonymous]

I have a guy friend who moved in with some chick with kids- I give her props , shes got him spending on those kids and house that's not his. And wont have a baby, which he wants. Hard for me to watch. ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single mom of 4 years as well. There is no way I would be shacking up with anyone unless we were engaged or married. What I do with my own time apart from my son is different, but there will be no shacking up. My mom did that a couple of times when I was growing up and I hated it. Your ex might be able to do this with a woman (lots of women think it's perfectly fine to "try men on" as well). My personal belief, wrong or right, is that dating a single mom comes with different responsibilities than dating a woman with children.

+1 and this is coming from a single dad who dates single moms. no way I would move in with woman or have her move into my home unless we are married.

+1 single mom here. The is NO WAY I would allow a man to move into my house or move to stay with him unless we were married or my kids were grown and out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of women (single moms or not) make terrible decisions when it comes to men and romance. I have no doubt he could find a single mom happy to move in with him. I'm sure he could find plenty of other single moms who won't even let him meet their kids without some commitment.

Kind of like the OP who clearly made a bad decision and is now divorced

[Anonymous]

I am divorced and have two small kids. I can't imagine letting any unrelated man live in my home with my daughters.

That said, my unemployed, uneducated, homeless poor, overweight, bald ex-husband has been taken into a very nice home by a single working mom with two kids. She doesn't seem to be worried at all about having an unrelated male in her home.

Desperation perhaps? I dunno. But your ex might be right that he will be snapped up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and have two small kids. I can't imagine letting any unrelated man live in my home with my daughters.

That said, my unemployed, uneducated, homeless poor, overweight, bald ex-husband has been taken into a very nice home by a single working mom with two kids. She doesn't seem to be worried at all about having an unrelated male in her home.

Desperation perhaps? I dunno. But your ex might be right that he will be snapped up.

So you do not ever plan to remarry, then?

I am the PP up thread living with my boyfriend, not currently engaged. I can't imagine letting any man in my life, not to mention my vagina, who I wouldn't trust around my daughter. But way to assume that all men are child molesters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and have two small kids. I can't imagine letting any unrelated man live in my home with my daughters.

That said, my unemployed, uneducated, homeless poor, overweight, bald ex-husband has been taken into a very nice home by a single working mom with two kids. She doesn't seem to be worried at all about having an unrelated male in her home.

Desperation perhaps? I dunno. But your ex might be right that he will be snapped up.

So you do not ever plan to remarry, then?

I am the PP up thread living with my boyfriend, not currently engaged. I can't imagine letting any man in my life, not to mention my vagina, who I wouldn't trust around my daughter. But way to assume that all men are child molesters.

What happens if the man living with you never proposes? You going to move out? Have a baby with him?

I'm not PP, but am definitely open to marriage. That said, I'm not going to let my child experience the "break up" should it not work out.

[Anonymous]

I have single mom friends who have done this. In some cases, I think they were making a big mistake and being hasty. (and they split up.) In a couple of cases, it was just the planned step before marriage and they seem happy.

It's not something I would do. I feel that if I love someone enough to live with him, I love him enough to marry him. I'm very cautious about who is in my daughter's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"...my unemployed, uneducated, homeless poor, overweight, bald ex-husband has been taken into a very nice home by a single working mom with two kids. She doesn't seem to be worried at all about having an unrelated male in her home.

Desperation perhaps? I dunno."

I hope you see the irony of criticizing someone dating your ex, who was presumably "unemployed, uneducated, homeless poor, overweight, bald" at some point during your relationship. Desperation perhaps?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and have two small kids. I can't imagine letting any unrelated man live in my home with my daughters.

That said, my unemployed, uneducated, homeless poor, overweight, bald ex-husband has been taken into a very nice home by a single working mom with two kids. She doesn't seem to be worried at all about having an unrelated male in her home.

Desperation perhaps? I dunno. But your ex might be right that he will be snapped up.

So you do not ever plan to remarry, then?

I am the PP up thread living with my boyfriend, not currently engaged. I can't imagine letting any man in my life, not to mention my vagina, who I wouldn't trust around my daughter. But way to assume that all men are child molesters.

What happens if the man living with you never proposes? You going to move out? Have a baby with him?

I'm not PP, but am definitely open to marriage. That said, I'm not going to let my child experience the "break up" should it not work out.

If our informal engagement does not turn into a formal one soon, I'd start a conversation with him about it. If it turned out that his feelings had changed, he would move out. As for DD experiencing the break up, given that we have been together for a couple of years and she's known him for most of that time, she would "experience" our break up whether he lived in his own apartment or not. I would try to minimize the impact on her and certainly would conduct myself as gracefully and cordially as I did when divorcing her father, who remains a friend.

Listen, I'm not saying that the OP's ex isn't a loser. I'm also not saying that the PP's ex isn't a loser. Everyone's situation is more complicated than we reveal here (like, for example, I know the reason that I didn't get a ring in December is that we had an unexpected car expense in November). I just don't think that the oft mentioned axiom of "He can meet my kids when he gives me a ring" is a good idea at all. How could you possibly commit to a man without at least a glimpse of what his relationship with your child would be? How can you think that by not moving in with a man, you will protect your child from experiencing a break up? It's how we react to these situations that is important, not the nuts and bolts of the situations themselves.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom and wouldn't move in with a man unless we were married, but I've never liked the idea of cahabitating before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and have two small kids. I can't imagine letting any unrelated man live in my home with my daughters.

That said, my unemployed, uneducated, homeless poor, overweight, bald ex-husband has been taken into a very nice home by a single working mom with two kids. She doesn't seem to be worried at all about having an unrelated male in her home.

Desperation perhaps? I dunno. But your ex might be right that he will be snapped up.

So you do not ever plan to remarry, then?

I am the PP up thread living with my boyfriend, not currently engaged. I can't imagine letting any man in my life, not to mention my vagina, who I wouldn't trust around my daughter. But way to assume that all men are child molesters.

What happens if the man living with you never proposes? You going to move out? Have a baby with him?

I'm not PP, but am definitely open to marriage. That said, I'm not going to let my child experience the "break up" should it not work out.

If our informal engagement does not turn into a formal one soon, I'd start a conversation with him about it. If it turned out that his feelings had changed, he would move out. As for DD experiencing the break up, given that we have been together for a couple of years and she's known him for most of that time, she would "experience" our break up whether he lived in his own apartment or not. I would try to minimize the impact on her and certainly would conduct myself as gracefully and cordially as I did when divorcing her father, who remains a friend.

Listen, I'm not saying that the OP's ex isn't a loser. I'm also not saying that the PP's ex isn't a loser. Everyone's situation is more complicated than we reveal here (like, for example, I know the reason that I didn't get a ring in December is that we had an unexpected car expense in November). I just don't think that the oft mentioned axiom of "He can meet my kids when he gives me a ring" is a good idea at all. How could you possibly commit to a man without at least a glimpse of what his relationship with your child would be? How can you think that by not moving in with a man, you will protect your child from experiencing a break up? It's how we react to these situations that is important, not the nuts and bolts of the situations themselves.

I'm the single dad PP - to me it's not about waiting until an engagement in order to meet the kids. For me, I don't want to expose my DD to women who might only be short-term relationships. i want her to see and know what a real, loving relationship is and what that entails. Once I'm serious with a woman - and realistically this means being in an exclusive relationship for probably at least 6 months just to due to logistics of a demanding career and parenthood, dating is not a typical every weekend type of thing - then I would introduce her to my DD. and the flip side is also true in that I would not want to her kids until I know we are serious (not just monogamous).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not living with anyone with my child unless there is a marriage. But I'm also not the "oh crap I was 20 years old and didn't think about birth control and had fun partying" kind of single mother.

You ex is looking for trouble -- the kind of woman who would sign up for his plan is the kind of woman a sane man would want to avoid becoming entangled with.

I'm a oh-crap and pregnant in my mid twenties and would not move in (or vice versa) without a commitment.

What's an "oh-crap"?