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Reply to "Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?"
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]And my understanding, based on that line in bold, is that YOU were having issues during much of that time. And while you are "expected" to call her on the carpet, your husband should be the one to beat you to that. He's doesn't have your back; he's expecting you to do his dirty work b/c he's afraid of his mother. You're the shield. So you can think you have it all under control, but you're only fooling yourself. The women who DO have it under control have MILs who have changed FOR them and who have learned how to respect boundaries. Your MIL still needs to be controlled. not healthy at all, babes [quote=Anonymous]Some perspective my mother (a MIL herself to DIL's) gave me in dealing with my MIL helped me to calm down You have replaced her as the woman in your DH's life. Many women, who have devoted themselves to their families, view their DS's marriage as "losing a son." They are no longer needed as much as they were and no longer had the influence they once had. Depending on the family dynamic and how the DIL and DS manage things, it can be a nightmare. Honestly, having your DH fight the battle for you makes it worse. Most MIL's will KNOW that if their son confronts them about how they treat a DIL, it is the DIL who put them up to it. It makes them feel even more that their sons are being taken from them. I am NOT saying that it is right and my mother was not either - she was just giving me perspective. [b]My DH and I have come to an understanding over the past 20 years.[/b] I do not put him in the middle and do not ask him to mediate/confront disputes. I am expected to call her to the carpet myself for things that bother me. He will publicly support me. He will have my back - not my front. MIL and I get aong much better now that I have learned to politely but forcefully defend my ground. I also do not vent to my DH about his mom. He does not allow her to complain about me to him and I should get the same treatment. I am not expected to entertain them every time they visit (I often am not there) and I do not attend every family function on his side of the family. Our kids are teens and the best gift I could give them was to allow them to form their own relationship with Granny. They also see that Granny and I have common ground - our love for them and our love for DH. We will never be best buds, but we do get along fine. [/quote][/quote] Nope. My DH is more than willing to step to his mom. But as an ADULT, I feel that I should defend myself when the dispute is between my MIL and I. My DH does not use me as a shield, but I do not use him as a shield either. [/quote]
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