What would you do

[Anonymous]

OP, I am not going to get into it with prior posters, but my opinion is different. I agree that you describe an abusive, or at least dysfunctional, childhood for both you and DH. I agree that in the context of that history and an ongoing dysfunctional relationship (MIL complaining about your time with other family members, sulking and complaining expecting you to change for her, complaining about "waiting" when you are on time), her "hush" is hostile or at least passive-aggressive (which we gauge by her reaction to your reaction, not necessarily by the initial act). Why do I say all this? Because I grew up in an abusive home with parents who are dysfunctional and mentally ill (your MIL sounds like my NPD parents to a T).

You are going to have a lot of trouble if you don't find support and perspective outside of this framework. You are not just debating differences of opinion or perspective, you are carrying with you the damage from your childhood and until it is seen clearly and healed, it will inevitably impact your children. It is great that you and DH want to parent your children differently. Consider seeing a therapist, alone or together, to talk about what that really means in practical terms in a safe environment where you're exploring your history and motivations more than just choosing between different approaches that you've seen used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand your reaction - my very kind and lovely MIL shushed my 8 month old daughter in church (she was just babbling) - and I admit I felt my feathers ruffle. It is just a silly reaction to a baby, they make noise and as long as it's not wailing...then jeez, who cares.
That being said, I think if your MIL is kind of a nut-job or generally has mean tendencies, you are going to need to develop some ways to cope without reacting. Seems like she may have been priming you for a reaction...I find going for walks at my in-laws house..long ones eases my reactionary tendencies. Limit your exposure?

Noise is noise, and particularly in church, that isn't appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am not going to get into it with prior posters, but my opinion is different. I agree that you describe an abusive, or at least dysfunctional, childhood for both you and DH. I agree that in the context of that history and an ongoing dysfunctional relationship (MIL complaining about your time with other family members, sulking and complaining expecting you to change for her, complaining about "waiting" when you are on time), her "hush" is hostile or at least passive-aggressive (which we gauge by her reaction to your reaction, not necessarily by the initial act). Why do I say all this? Because I grew up in an abusive home with parents who are dysfunctional and mentally ill (your MIL sounds like my NPD parents to a T).

You are going to have a lot of trouble if you don't find support and perspective outside of this framework. You are not just debating differences of opinion or perspective, you are carrying with you the damage from your childhood and until it is seen clearly and healed, it will inevitably impact your children. It is great that you and DH want to parent your children differently. Consider seeing a therapist, alone or together, to talk about what that really means in practical terms in a safe environment where you're exploring your history and motivations more than just choosing between different approaches that you've seen used.

Thank you for your perspective . Repeating our past is motivation enough to seek outside help and I will discuss this with my spouse. I want so much better for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No it wasn't in play . I wish it was in play. Yes my husband and I were beat with switches/belts but we were not abused. and I would never describe them as abusive. They did the best they knew how .My standard is physical discipline as last option to be rarely used. The same way I'm very careful in the words I chose which is the reason I didn't say anything at time I expect the same. She has a history of this with her children and myself. I distance myself but after some time passes I let it go because she is bipolar and I believe says things for a response. I think she was being mean not abusive.

I'm going to take and apply your suggestion for when it occurs again.

[Anonymous]

Nobody has mentioned the obvious: you could have just called her on it right then, maybe with a smile, "Really? Hush? Like in Goodnight Moon?"

MIL relationships are worth working on. Family is so important to a kid's world, and grandparents especially. Kids can roll with a lot of different characters in their lives, best not to try to circumscribe their world.