Narcissism in Relationships

[Anonymous]

I grew up with an NPD mom. Didn't realize it for many years.

It scars you. Oh, I have a wonderful life. But, I was always beating my head against a stone wall, hoping somehow she would change, and give me that unconditional love, not always be disappointed in me.

Example: I'm a somewhat phobic driver, and when I became pregnant for the first time, I worked on my driving. When I mentioned that to my mother, she said something like: "Oh, I didn't know you had a problem with driving! I thought that when you came home from college and didn't want to drive me places, it was because you just didn't feel like it". [She didn't drive.]

[Anonymous]

My STBX has NPD, but I never connected the dots until he was arrested for hitting me. Then all of a sudden the batterer profiles, many hinging on NPD looked so familiar.

The big thing as someone else said was that when life is easy the N is generous, fun, loving. You are unhappy? The N fails at something? The facade crumbles but the N makes up lies to attempt to hide the mess. The N moods are hot and cold always.

This thread made me realize my MIL also has NPD. The big one is constantly moving ex around as a child to suit her needs (new man) and never caring about the best interest of the kids. In some instances, not even telling the kids until real estate agents would show up.

My ex never recognized the pathology of his Mother, probably because its his pathology too. I thought he was well adjusted because he could forgive her, now I realize he is her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for original poster who said her dad was npd.
when did you as a child or young adult really start to feel impacted by your fathers behavior? When did you start to notice something was not quite right?

I am the PP. I noticed the odd things long before I understood any of it. As a young child I could see his charisma at work in groups. Also, we would be doing a family activity and somehow it would be all about him, and he would forget all about everything (such as his kids) except soaking up the adoration. He came to a school event with me, and I ended up in a corner forgotten, observing the other kids and teacher flock around him. That was the sort of thing I noticed.

There were some early incidents where he was displeased that really rose to the level of emotional/verbal abuse, but for the most part as a child I idolized him and was a firm dedicated Member of the Cult. The relationship became intense (clash of wills) and much more negative when I was a teen. Also it was quite neglectful on his part, except that he would show up for public appearances in the role of Dad, and I started to really notice the differences to other families. Also, I became bored with the nightly monologue where he talked and we looked attentive and asked softball, respectful questions, and challenged that.

I started addressing the problems in the relationship (problems from my perspective) in my 20s to no effect except further will clashes and furious temper tantrums/punishments from him. This was about basic decent behavior, such as my effort to make him refrain from verbally abusing me. By that time he also had chronic health issues, which was... complicated. I did not begin to understand the NPD nature or access wealth of knowledge our there until happening upon a book called The Narcissistic Family in early 30s. I'd already spent so much time trying to make it all work, and also experiencing the effects and impacts in trying to live my own life and coming up against deficits. Once I had the right information, it was far easier to make very positive change and progress in my own life.