Narcissism in Relationships

[Anonymous]

When my NPD ex-husband voluntarily moved from DC to London leaving me alone to raise our then 6 year old daughter, I asked him how that move benefitted our daughter (took a pay cut, mind you). His response was, "She'll be happy knowing that her dad is in a city where he has exciting opportunities."

[Anonymous]

My wishing she was not my DW: Not sure whether she is BPD or NPD, but even thought a mental health professional said BPD, I see more traits of NPD:

1. Almost every issue is about her. For example, I am a Fed and due to the Gov't shutdown will have a pay delay. When I talked to her - well tried to talk to her - about managing money and finances during the shutdown, she exploded at me that it is not "her fault" I work for the Gov't. She then tried to bait me into an argument by putting me down and saying I actually know nothing about the Gov't shutdown.

2. She is never responsible for her own actions. People are just out to get her.

3. No one is ever grateful for everything she does for them. She is always the victim.

She is jealous of others, and thinks others are jealous of her, especially when it comes to looks or intelligence. She is completely lacking in empathy for others. Double standars, etc.

It's a nightmare to live with her. She is not emotionally functional.

[Anonymous]

I've read in other threads that people think the term "narcissist" is overused. I've been told by a licensed counselor that, like most disorders, there is a spectrum. My ex is on the spectrum. He is a narcissist, but not sure he is the worst possible. For instance, he would be happy for our child if the child had success. But he would take credit for it for sure.

-Takes no responsibility for anything. Everyone is out to get him. Every time. There is always someone to blame! Great lesson he's teaching our kids.

-Despite the fact that we have two wonderful, happy, healthy children, with whom he spends hours on a weekly basis, I am a terrible mother and all of their good qualities are because he is their father.

-Sense of entitlement. He works, therefore, he should have anything he wants. Forget about the kids' futures or, when married, the family.

-Jealous of everyone. Compared our situation to random other people...when circumstances were completely different.

-Selfish (his sleep is more important than anyone else's, his hunger must be satisfied (I'm serious...he always ate first), he spent money on himself, but complained about other expenses)

-Materialistic (name brands, nice car, expensive "stuff" to show everyone how fab he is)

[Anonymous]

Are most Ns materialistic? My stb xMIL was obsessed with status symbols. IE: driving luxury cars, expensive/unnecessary house renovations, name brand clothes, etc. even though she lived in a working class area.

[Anonymous]

Bump

[Anonymous]

Ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP I am curious to know if your DH and his siblings know their mother is an N?

oh yes. DH warned me about her 1 month into dating...

[Anonymous]

Ns can wreak a lot of havoc on relationships. I am the PP with the N-dad.

I didn't really address the interpersonal problems that surround Ns in the previous posts.

I agree with the other PPs who cite the black/white, good/evil thinking of the N. Moreover, how they define good and evil is about *them.* If an N makes you the bad guy, it is because it serves them. Thus you can never get out of that spot. You can always be trying to show them it isn't true, you love them, you mean well, you are a human too etc. etc. and they will never see it, because it isn't about you. It suits them that you be that bad guy, the end. really ruthless, really corrosive and harmful, especially in a family.

But of course then they go to other people telling them you are evil and/or deficient in whatever ways. Lovely quality in your near and dear.

Ns have acolytes/minions that cater to them and will act as proxies for the narcissist in order to win favor from their idol. The faces changes but the role stays the same. They willingly serve as instruments of the dysfunctional will of the N, which does suit the N just fine, not that the N will be grateful for it. But they accept the offering.

N is imo, the best thing to do if you are related to an N, is to protect yourself. Limit the Ns access to you, and to information about you. Don't be one of their flying monkeys. Understand the quest for approval is a weakness. Present a strong front, and have good back up to cover your back against betrayal.

[Anonymous]

NP here.

I don't want this to sound snarky, because I don't mean it that way at all, but for anyone who ended up married to someone with NPD (or BPD)...were there signs early on that, looking back, you feel like you overlooked? Or was it more like your partner was putting on a performance during your courtship and their true colors didn't show until you were married and/or living together?

[Anonymous]

I will respond - (to above poster) - the answer is at first you only see the positive aspects of a person with NPD and I do believe that it may not start to even develop until a person is a little older. So, it is easy to fall for someone with NPD because they are usually also very smart, accomplished, charming people. Not phony in their charm, either. My spouse is full-blown NPD but also extremely generous, loves to have a good time, friendly and energetic. You can get tangled up in these relationships trying to sort out whether the negatives outweigh the positives. It takes a while to realize the generosity and outgoing nature are all so self-serving.......

[Anonymous]

PP here - also mean to point out that an N such as I described my spouse may not show their "ugly" side when life is going along smoothly - it is often when you hit a bumpy patch or they lose control - that the real full-blown N behavior starts to show up......

[Anonymous]

PP again - such as financial difficulties or trouble with children or marriage stresses......

[Anonymous]

Question for original poster who said her dad was npd.
when did you as a child or young adult really start to feel impacted by your fathers behavior? When did you start to notice something was not quite right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for original poster who said her dad was npd.
when did you as a child or young adult really start to feel impacted by your fathers behavior? When did you start to notice something was not quite right?

Not the op but i also have an np dad and mom. I started to notice things weren't quite right when I was around 7 or so. I was accused of some silly thing in elementary school, and my parents totally did not believe me. They kept saying stuff like "you have no idea how badly this reflects on us!!!". And once it was finally revealed that I was innocent, they never apologized to me. That was the first time I lost faith in my parents. Then I started noticing how few true friends my dad had. I realized that most of our extended family hated my mom and dad. I also had a realization that my parents who constantly told us how smart they were were sort of stupid next to my friend's parents. When you're little, you accept what your parents tell you as the truth. So when they say "we are so smart and beautiful and awesome and rich" you totally believe them, even if after a while you start to doubt what they are telling you.

In high school it was pretty obvious something was wrong with them, but I didn't understand it to be npd until college. My relationship with my parents is awful today as an adult because they have severe npd. My poor sister is the golden child, and I think she suffers the most from them. Sure, she is their little minion, but she is riddled with insecurities and also has npd. My other sister and I just stay away, limit contact as the pp said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Understand the quest for approval is a weakness.

I will write this on my hand the next time I am forced to see my parents. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.