if you SAH, how do you plan for DH leaving, dying, etc.?

[Anonymous]

except for one thing - when you stay in the work force, you are building up your retirement/pension/social security savings. For me, this was why I decided to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It must be horrible to live your life with the uncertainty of "what if" over your head.

I totally get the OP.
My MIL was married for my FIL for like 33 years. They ended up getting a divorce. She has nothing. She had a small savings and a small inheritance. None of her own retirement savings, no real social security because she didn't work much / contribute much. So at age 62 she had to start over. my FIL has to pay alimony and all that, but I'd imagine the whole painful process would have been a lot easier on her if she had her own money somewhere.

I'm sure she assumed everything would be fine, I mean 33 years?

Life insurance is a different story - it's helpful. But relying on your spouse to provide for you for the rest of your life isn't a sure thing. It's best to be realistic, it's not "worst case". It's protection.

I beg to differ, it's not relying on your spouse to provide for you.
It is looking at your resources (regardless of who brings them in) and deciding how to allocate them.
I really hate when people say that SAHM are just relying on the other person.
Is the husband "relying" on the wife for childcare?
Figure out all of the needs(each person's retirement, savings, etc.)
It is not who brings home the check is in charge.
Geez people -- 2013 situations, with 1952 ideas

[Anonymous]

^^pp
I WOH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought about that until I moved here and heard women's opinions on sahms. I find it a non-issue. If we got a divorce I'd take half and child support. I work in a field where I could pick up where I left off with no problem.

What? Not if he had a good lawyer, idiot. Half of what?? Maybe half of what was earned during the marriage and half of savings, etc.? But why on earth do you think you could "live" on child support after? And how on earth do you "know" you could pick up right where you left off?

NP here. What exactly is wrong with this plan? Getting half that was earned by me and my husband during the marriage plus half of savings, half the house, etc. is quite a bit of money. Definitely enough to provide a cushion while I find a new job and to cover the difference should I get (as I likely would) a job that is less time intensive and this highly compensated than my last job (which for the record is the type of job I would get now if I decided not to stay at home while married). Plus child support would cover much of the expenses of the children.

What other sources of money are you talking about that a "good lawyer" would protect? We met as students...we each brought a couch into the marriage.

Re the good lawyer point -- why would you be getting child support? If he wants 50% custody, and you get this mythical job, you may not get any. That is the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do WOHMs have a plan? So many state that they need the two incomes in the DC area. What would YOU do with just your one income?

This is 14:38 - this is exactly my point on the job. If I got one now it would still be a lower paying, less time intensive and stressful one so that we could actually have a functioning family (two parents in big law didn't work out). So how would this be different if I had that job now or just got it later if I divorced?

Well, 14:38, I hate to break it to you, but no, you can't pick right back up where you left off in big law, unless you are a graudate from a top five school and clerked for a prestiguous court. Even then, there is a long line of candidates ahead of you.

Ugh. Reading comprehension fail. Try again (and I'm not 14:38- just amused)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life insurance is a good idea.

As far as divorce...I don't plan for it. Seriously. The way we make our marriage work is that we are both in it 100%, no contingency plans. And I wouldn't stay home if I wasn't sure about that.

This is me as well. We have life insurance. And my DH has excellent health and disability benefits through his work.

We don't plan for divorce. I'm also not planning for a smallpox outbreak, zombie invasion, or apocalypse. We've been together 30 years, married for 26. People who make marriages work don't plan for divorce.

I'm pretty sure my MIL didn't plan for this. 33 years later, turns out not to be the case. It's great to assume, work, and hope that nothing will happen in your marriage but you never know. I never would have thought they'd divorce. Turns out he had a side piece for YEARS, married her 6 weeks after the divorce. And even though she had a GREAT lawyer, her future isn't as safe as it would have been if she had her own retirement accounts as well. It's not stupid to be careful. I also think it's offensive to say that someone didn't work at a marriage - sometimes shit doesn't work out. It's not that difficult to see why many women plan to be able to live on just their income.
Worst that can happen is, come retirement, you have that much more money to live a secure retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do WOHMs have a plan? So many state that they need the two incomes in the DC area. What would YOU do with just your one income?

This is 14:38 - this is exactly my point on the job. If I got one now it would still be a lower paying, less time intensive and stressful one so that we could actually have a functioning family (two parents in big law didn't work out). So how would this be different if I had that job now or just got it later if I divorced?

Well, 14:38, I hate to break it to you, but no, you can't pick right back up where you left off in big law, unless you are a graudate from a top five school and clerked for a prestiguous court. Even then, there is a long line of candidates ahead of you.

Ugh. Reading comprehension fail. Try again (and I'm not 14:38- just amused)

Oh, shoot, I failed reading comp! I bet now I don't get a job! But hey, you're amused, so at least one of us is happy! Ugh, yourself, with your ridiculous non-sentences. Sentence construction fail, trendy period every three words user.

[Anonymous]

This is why SAHMs need a post-nup. Just go spend some time on the relationship forum to read about divorce, cheating etc. The women who know their husbands are cheating or they are miserable but are stuck. Im not saying don't stay at home, but damn, have some money that is yours in a pinch. YOu might get half but you also might spend 10s of thousands on a lawyer to get that half. Or that half might be tied up in a trust for your kids and not used to pay your mortgage on that dream house in lyon village (cause you will be selling that and splitting the proceeds).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do WOHMs have a plan? So many state that they need the two incomes in the DC area. What would YOU do with just your one income?

We make sure we can live off of one income. We have the proper insurance, but an unexpected layoff isn't uncomon these days and can be pretty scary. That would worry me more than some of the worst-case scenarios mentioned here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good life insurance on both of us. I don't plan on divorce. Like PP, I would not be a SAHM if I thought that would ever happen. I know there are surprises, but I'm not planning for that one.

How many divorced people planned to get divorced?

I get that no one wants to live in fear of the worst case scenario. At the same time, it is prudent to plan for a realistic risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do WOHMs have a plan? So many state that they need the two incomes in the DC area. What would YOU do with just your one income?

This is 14:38 - this is exactly my point on the job. If I got one now it would still be a lower paying, less time intensive and stressful one so that we could actually have a functioning family (two parents in big law didn't work out). So how would this be different if I had that job now or just got it later if I divorced?

Well, 14:38, I hate to break it to you, but no, you can't pick right back up where you left off in big law, unless you are a graudate from a top five school and clerked for a prestiguous court. Even then, there is a long line of candidates ahead of you.

I think you missed the point of my response. I was saying that in either case I would have a lower paying job (if my husband died or we divorced I wouldn't pile on my traumatized kids by starting to work 70 hours a week). And I did graduate from a top 5 school, thanks for asking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do WOHMs have a plan? So many state that they need the two incomes in the DC area. What would YOU do with just your one income?

This is a silly, defensive and disingenuous question, but I will bite. Yes, most do. That is why they work, in part, because they are aware of what would happen if they lost thier husband's income. Through their employer, most will have gap insurance for the death of a spouse. Also, because they have been working, most WOHM would be able to keep their job, which they would need even more if they lost their husband or got divorced. If it was the WOHM who lost her job, most will be able to collect unemployment, and will, of course, be looking for and be able to find another job. The point is, there are much lower risks when both spouses are working. If one loses a job, you adjust and live off the remaining income. When only one spouse is working its obviously going to be a larger impact if that spouse dies or loses his or her job.

You are missing my point. See all those "ifs?" What is a definite is that your child is in a daycare, with a nanny, au pair, relative or something of that nature right now and you are working. You are not with your child while you are working. That is always, 100% going to happen if you choose to work full time for these "ifs."Life has a lot of "ifs", awful horrible unplanned things happen, but I, and perhaps other SAHMs of young children, are not going to give up this time with our children for things that might happen when right in front of me, happening right now, is the time I have with my little ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do WOHMs have a plan? So many state that they need the two incomes in the DC area. What would YOU do with just your one income?

We make sure we can live off of one income. We have the proper insurance, but an unexpected layoff isn't uncomon these days and can be pretty scary. That would worry me more than some of the worst-case scenarios mentioned here.

You might live off one income, but I have plenty of friends who need their two incomes between student loans, ridiculous mortgage, kids at super expensive schools (and that not even the eating out and multiple vacations, etc). It would be catastrophic if they divorced, someone died, etc. People who live like that are the ones who should be getting the lectures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the question, but if we were both working to support a 2 income lifestyle we would have major adjusting and downsizing to do if one of us became ill and unable to work (multiple sclerosis, ALS, major trauma from car accident, etc). We would have to live on less and make major adjustments. Same as if something happened to my husband while I SAH. Live on much less, make major adjustments. Bottom line for me: it is 100% that if I work I will get to see my kids only a couple hours a day. The odds of sudden death, disability or divorce are far less (I'm sure someone will know the stats on here!) . I'm not going to trade a known for an unknown

I'm 14:32, and I see your point, but I still come down the other side of it. Any of those list of horribles would be hard for us to deal with now (as 2 WOH parents), but we COULD. But if I SAH and then something happens where we need more money, we're pretty hosed.
BUt I totally get your point of "100% likely if I WOH FT i will see my kids only a couple hours per day". And that's what makes this so hard. I've sort of compromised by going PT so I get a couple afternoons a week at home with my kids in addition to weekends. But am I satisfied? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do WOHMs have a plan? So many state that they need the two incomes in the DC area. What would YOU do with just your one income?

We make sure we can live off of one income. We have the proper insurance, but an unexpected layoff isn't uncomon these days and can be pretty scary. That would worry me more than some of the worst-case scenarios mentioned here.

You might live off one income, but I have plenty of friends who need their two incomes between student loans, ridiculous mortgage, kids at super expensive schools (and that not even the eating out and multiple vacations, etc). It would be catastrophic if they divorced, someone died, etc. People who live like that are the ones who should be getting the lectures.

Exactly