Another beach nightmare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for trying to talk sense into me, seriously. This is OP. DH insists on going, there is no changing his mind. They are bullies and will always be. Combine that with their self imposed "ranking" in the family, it's awful. They are very unhappy people. The least successful act out the most, as expected. And they wonder why they are not successful - it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out.

DH has given and given to his family. They are takers now and they will always be. We have friends with beach houses, and could certainly afford to rent our own in a place we actually like, so having a alternatives is not the question.

Half of his family has moved away (across the country) because they know the other half is miserable. This is the only time DH gets to see the "good half" of the family. Like I mentioned, we have very little vacation time this year. Going out to see them one at a time is out of the question.

I think DH is afraid his parents will die soon (they are 85). They get more and more miserable. [Then again, DH refused to take the time to have us fly to see my parents on what turned out to be (unknowingly) their last major holiday ]

Yes, there are control issues in the family, to say the least. No, it won't end in divorce (I know that is the DCUM creed: "leave him!"). I just keep waiting for the end, when his parents are not around to cause this strife. We have nothing to gain but peace.

And the end of these beach "vacations" from hell in a place we don't even like!

One year, they planned an additional week without DH and (get this) part of the family would NOT have had vacation time without DH - as he employed them! (New management stepped in and told them to hit the curbside, apparently.)

I can't go this time, because I can't let DC see how the family acts toward me (and how DH acts with his rotten family around). I think I will plan something for myself.

OP, sorry to do the long quote above but there are two red flags in it that worry me on your behalf: One, you don't want your DC to "see how the family acts toward me (and how DH acts with his rotten family around)." Not clear to me -- are you now planning to keep .DC with you and let husband do the beach thing alone, or will you be sending DC with your husband on this nightmare vacation? I would be very reluctant to send a child into this horrid family gathering that models such poor dynamics. I posted earlier in favor of you, DH and DC not going at all and having your own beach vacation as a family. But I would not want my child at this gathering with husband but without me -- If husband is so different with the family it's going to be so confusing for your child to see daddy acting like some other person. Please clarify if you mean to keep DC with you or send husband and DC into this morass--? Sigh. Either way you lose. I really feel for you.

The second red flag: The fact that your husband "refused to take time" for you to visit your own family but he requires and demands that all of you make this annual pilgrimage to hell for HIS family. What the hell? While he could not have known that it would be your folks' last major holiday when he said no-- who is he to say no, when he gets to force you to do as he likes regarding the beach? I would seriously start putting aside my own personal "kid and me" vacation fund to visit your own family without him at times. He sounds as if he has full and sole control over your family vacation plans at all times and you get no vote. That may not be the case but it is how it comes across....It is not the road to divorce for the halves of a couple each to visit their own families alone (or with child) at times. If husband seems to insist you and he and child all be joined at the hip for any time off he has -- that would be an issue for me. Is it for you?

[Anonymous]

Hmm. Spending vacation time with one's own spouse and children is considered "joined at the hip", is it? Not in my world.

I'm not saying that OP should go on these family Hell weeks with her husband. But I think it's reasonable for OP to want to spend her vacation time with her husband and kids - not divide up and do their own thing with their own side of the extended family.

As a couple and as parents to their kids, they would be much better off just staying at home or insisting on getting their own accommodations for the week. If the in-laws want to create a stink about it they can feel free to stink up their own beach house.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and I do agree that the husband should be willing to spend time with the OP's side of the family, too. Absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Do your own beach vacation with just DH and your kids. Even if it's a shorter trip due to budget concerns, you'll have a much better time and it will be an actual vacation, not a stress-fest.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have some projects to tackle, and friends to catch up with, so will likely be staying home. The good news is, DH appreciates me when he gets home because his family are such insular people. They don't really care if he is there or not, as long as they can get something out of him, sadly. They are bullies, and will always be bullies.

With me out of the equation, it will be kept mostly positive. Well, these people aren't positive, but at least I won't be a target.

And the kids get to go to a different place (not my cup of tea type of place); and see that side of the family (and whomever they decide to cram in the house when part of the family cancels last minute) once per year.

I don't need to be under a microscope during "vacation", and they are (I may have mentioned) quite negative to be around. This way, DH has to step up with DC since his family definitely will not. It will be good for him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have some projects to tackle, and friends to catch up with, so will likely be staying home. The good news is, DH appreciates me when he gets home because his family are such insular people. They don't really care if he is there or not, as long as they can get something out of him, sadly. They are bullies, and will always be bullies.

With me out of the equation, it will be kept mostly positive. Well, these people aren't positive, but at least I won't be a target.

And the kids get to go to a different place (not my cup of tea type of place); and see that side of the family (and whomever they decide to cram in the house when part of the family cancels last minute) once per year.

I don't need to be under a microscope during "vacation", and they are (I may have mentioned) quite negative to be around. This way, DH has to step up with DC since his family definitely will not. It will be good for him!

Glad that you found a solution that works for you, OP. Good luck!