Home buying that doesn't lead to divorce or a 'boating accident' of one spouse

[Anonymous]

OP you claim to be compromising but you are stuck on this house. If you strong-arm him into it, he's going to resent you, whether or not his objections are valid. I agree with PPs that you may just have to play this out and let him learn the lesson that when you bid at the top of your budget, you don't get the houses. Don't get too stuck on this house -- I promise you there is ALWAYS another one. We lost out on 4 houses in N Arlington before we got ours and I am honestly so glad we ended up where we did. It's a learning process for both of you. I think you are making a mistake by being in such a big hurry when you have a year. Yes, I get wanting to get settled, but you also want to make sure you and DH are both happy with the ultimate outcome.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]OP you claim to be compromising but you are stuck on this house. If you strong-arm him into it, he's going to resent you, whether or not his objections are valid. I agree with PPs that you may just have to play this out and let him learn the lesson that when you bid at the top of your budget, you don't get the houses. Don't get too stuck on this house -- I promise you there is ALWAYS another one. We lost out on 4 houses in N Arlington before we got ours and I am honestly so glad we ended up where we did. It's a learning process for both of you. I think you are making a mistake by being in such a big hurry when you have a year. Yes, I get wanting to get settled, but you also want to make sure you and DH are both happy with the ultimate outcome.[/quote]

Nope, not stuck on this house. We have 5 more lined up to tour. I just want him to stay within our originally agreed zipcode boundary. I want him to realize that something will have to be checked off the must have list. You cannot expect a big yard, 2000sq ft minimum, finished basement, big kitchen in one single zipcode for under 600k to not be a bidding war. He doesn't want to do any upgrades at all. He complained the house I liked didn't have hardwood floors and then immediately sent me another list he liked that was all carpeted but in that same far away zipcode. He's all over the place.

[Anonymous]

OP, one note - if you have kids at the ages of Kindergarten, while I agree no one wants to change schools mid year, they are at a very flexible age.

Accept that you will not find a house by 9/1 or whatever the school start date is.

In my opinion, kids are pretty easy to move up until 3rd grade, and maybe even after, but we did this with a second grader, moved in April, drove her to her old school for the last 2 months of the year, and then started her in her new school for 3rd.

Even if your kids switch schools mid-year, they are at an age where they can make the adjustment - it sounds like the person who will have the hardest time is you (not being snarky - just pointing out as parents sometimes we overblow things.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we went through this process over this past spring and it was really stressful. Now that it's over (we moved in last month) I feel like DH and I are getting along so much better.

Things that helped us: having an agent who was a very calming presence for me and our kids (DH, I don't know). Seriously, I would feel stressed out or frustrated with DH and then would talk to her and feel better. She remained upbeat and optimistic. We also sat down at the very start of the process and made a list of must-haves, nice-to-haves, and dealbreakers.

We were very flexible on schools. One thing we did when considering an area was spend some time researching the school ourselves--I would suggest touring a school if possible, talking to PTA parents, etc. This really helped both of us to feel more comfortable with areas that some DCUM-ers avoid.

During our search my DH was emphatic that we should look in a totally different area, which neither of us is familiar with at all, and which would make my commute a nightmare. I was SO resistant, for weeks and weeks, and it was a running argument. I finally agreed that we could at least check it out and tour some of the homes he had been looking at online. In the end this was a nonissue because we found a house in the location we both wanted--but I think my agreeing to go along with him and have even a slightly open mind went a long way in terms of goodwill.
Hang in there--it won't last forever!

This. I feel your pain OP, we went through some arguments of our own but eventually worked through it. I was the one who wanted to check out some options further away so we could get a bit of land- the problem was that I work in MD and DH works in VA, so there weren’t many options within our budget that wouldn’t give at least one of us a nightmare commute (DH also has to drive, whereas I have more public transport options). He was resistant to checking out any of the further flung communities so we picked the one that was the most reasonable of the bunch and treated it as a Sunday drive to check out an area we hadn’t spent any time in before. The funny thing was, he ended up loving it even more than I did and became obsessed with finding something there. Listings were sparse and we ended up buying somewhere closer in instead, and there’s part of us that is disappointed, but we know it wasn’t the meant to be for now. But next time we buy I know we will look there again!

Anyway, when we were disagreeing, I felt he was being close-minded when all I wanted to do was look and cast a wider net, because we were getting frustrated with the other locations we were looking. Once he agreed to visit I felt like we could have more of an honest discussion about whether it would work or not.

Re: not wanting to do renovations. We were that way, but after viewing so many obviously “flipped” houses, we saw the potential in being able to make our own decisions and renovations. We ended up with a house that needs a kitchen redo and although it’s a bit stressful to work out, it’s fun too.

[Realtor4you]

I advise my clients to make a list of their top 5 or top 10 aspects that are important to each of them. This must be done independently from each other. Analyze it and provide the lists to your Realtor. Consider what items are "must haves" versus "would like to have". The house you end up with may not be the perfect one for either of you but over time, cosmetic updates could get you there. Compromise, keep the conversation open and take your time.

[Anonymous]

The realtor's advice above is a good start.

Even with those lists it is so easy to get off track. And then, if you think reaching agreement on the house purchase is hard, just wait until you both decide to add an addition. Ten times more difficult to agree!

[Anonymous]

DH and I have only done this once, but likely doing it again within a year or so (hopefully).
This is our method.
We agree on location boundaries (ie "these zips" or "only south of XYZ Road" etc) and a minimal list of MUST-HAVES (for us, this included a max price ceiling). These were no-compromise things. Then, a list of like-to-haves with a general idea of priority.
Then, I (found Realtor #1 and fired him quickly) found a realtor and gave them our requirements, our wish list, our location boundaries, and a couple MLS listings that we liked so that she could tell what we were thinking. Realtor and I toured about 18 properties (altogether, not all at once) and I shortlisted I think 2-3? for DH to see as well. I did not rank the shortlist, but let DH tell me which one he liked best. We agreed and put in an offer.
This only worked because I know way more about physical-space stuff and I am way more picky, way more patient, and have an eye for details. DH was more than happy to let me sort through the listings and never, ever said "why didn't you shortlist THIS one?" <-- that way lies divorce
Reverse roles, and that's how we buy cars. It just works for us. I should say, it worked ONCE. Factor in two opposing commutes, daycare, and schools (which are now a priority) and this next round may not be as smooth. We'll see. GL OP. Maybe you and DH could each see a group of properties and show each other 1-2 shortlisted ones? Then you could see where you are willing to compromise/not wiling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have only done this once, but likely doing it again within a year or so (hopefully).
This is our method.
We agree on location boundaries (ie "these zips" or "only south of XYZ Road" etc) and a minimal list of MUST-HAVES (for us, this included a max price ceiling). These were no-compromise things. Then, a list of like-to-haves with a general idea of priority.
Then, I (found Realtor #1 and fired him quickly) found a realtor and gave them our requirements, our wish list, our location boundaries, and a couple MLS listings that we liked so that she could tell what we were thinking. Realtor and I toured about 18 properties (altogether, not all at once) and I shortlisted I think 2-3? for DH to see as well. I did not rank the shortlist, but let DH tell me which one he liked best. We agreed and put in an offer.
This only worked because I know way more about physical-space stuff and I am way more picky, way more patient, and have an eye for details. DH was more than happy to let me sort through the listings and never, ever said "why didn't you shortlist THIS one?" <-- that way lies divorce
Reverse roles, and that's how we buy cars. It just works for us. I should say, it worked ONCE. Factor in two opposing commutes, daycare, and schools (which are now a priority) and this next round may not be as smooth. We'll see. GL OP. Maybe you and DH could each see a group of properties and show each other 1-2 shortlisted ones? Then you could see where you are willing to compromise/not wiling?

I am totally stealing this system for all purchases in our household! Love this idea.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. DH and I were always primarily about location. We have very similar tastes and idea for homes. It was getting him to jump in that was the hugest obstacle and source of conflict. We sat the damn market out from '98-2004. We could haves saved $700k (swooped our million dollar+ house up for 400k). That's one expensive lesson!

[Anonymous]

My husband drove me crazy rejecting homes left and right. I tried to be really accommodating because I didn't have the energy or emotional stability to fight. We had 2 young kids, one was very challenging and still far from sleeping through the night.

it actually helped that 2 crimes happened in our neighborhood within a month. Suddenly, he got a little more open minded when looking at houses. Of course once the whole miserable process was over and we were settling in our new home, he started to complain about all the things he missed from the old neighborhood. He went back and visited and one of the neighbors filled him in on all the shit that had gone down since we left. That shut him up.

[Anonymous]

Everytime we buy the only way to get everything both of us agreed on was to increase the max budget by 20%.

Buyers are disillusioned by what is out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and when the kitchen is what he claims to want there will be something else ...

the kitchen is just a nice convenient excuse.

This is what I was thinking. My DH found something wrong with every house we looked at until he was really ready to move. Once he made the psychological leap, we found a house almost instantly.

[Anonymous]

We created our budget first. Then we created our circle of interest (location). Then we each stated what was most important to each of us. For DH, it was the kitchen. For me, it was closet space and bathrooms. We agreed we both wanted a lot of natural sunlight.

We didn't argue at all.

[Anonymous]

Find the perfect house or a group of them and cut everything out of your budget for a few years until your salary increases.

[Anonymous]

Argh. My DH is driving me bananas. I just don't get it. We've been looking for 6 months now and have passed over 2 perfect houses (DH insisting on low balling one of them). Today we saw another perfect house. DH is being whiny and says he's not sure and won't be sure until he compares the house to his list of criteria, which he won't do tonight bc he has to watch football and won't do the next two nights bc he has a work project. Is it is just me or is he avoiding buying a home?

This one is perfection for us. I'm beside myself, because we're going to lose another house.

We're in a tiny town house where our 3 ye old sleeps on the floor in our room and DH doesn't give a shit.