College Age "kid" question

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a 20 yer old DS and understand where you are coming from. It's a fine line at this age that we parents walk -- allowing independence and responsibility but still teaching and providing some guidance because we know they don't have it all down yet.

How about talking to your DD about this and helping her appreciate some of the issues that may arise living with grandma? Also, I'd have a separate conversation with your mom about her rules and comfort level in hosting your DD. I think things will go more smoothly if you and she are more or less on the same page, or at least if you have some idea what your DD should expect. Once you've done these two things I think you step aside and let your daughter figure this out. It could be a great experience for her.

[Anonymous]

OP, first, I think your concern is entirely reasonable -- you want this to be a good experience for your mother and your daughter. As the parent of 2 college students, I would say that with young adults the parent's role is not so much to lay down groundrules as to coach them in thinking through the situation. So, I would start a conversation along the lines of, "Gramma's really looking forward to having you with her this summer. I think it'll be so nice for her to have your company. Of course you know that her budget is tight, so I've been thinking about how we can be sure that it's not stetched by the added expenses. What would you think if I gave you some grocery store gift cards that you could use so her food budget doesn't blow up? Oh, and I guess your internet/wifi charges will go on your phone bill so that won't be a problem for her, right? What else haven't I thought of? . . . ." Your DD can take it from there. You're a thoughtful person, so my guess is she'll also want to be considerate and will have some ideas of how to put this into practice.

BTW, there's nothing wrong with unpaid internships. My sons are both in a field where there are plenty of paid internships for students with good grades and resumes, but that's not true in all fields.

[Anonymous]

Grandma may be really looking forward to having her grand daughter stay with her. As my sweet grandma used to say, having her grandchildren near her was her pleasure.

It sounds like a great idea for everyone. Grandma gets grandchild all to herself, 20 year old will definitely learn a lot from grandma and both will deepen their bonds.

Why not do up a Peapod order (or other grocery delivery service) and load up grandma's house with all the essentials? No way to say no to the Peapod delivery guy that shows up with paid for groceries. Just make sure that 20 year old is there at the time to help get everything put away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am OP.
I'm not worried about curfew or chores. Thought that I said that already. My worry is the financial burden on my mom. She was a public school librarian in a poor school district and has a very limited retirement income. She refuses any help from us and said she wouldn't take rent for DD (DH and I offered to split the cost with DD who has $1000 HS summer job money saved up toward a post-college car).

DD is not spoiled, but she does lack a sense of the true cost of things (vs. the price tag). She has a full ride to a modest college due to her academic excellence. It includes a small stipend that she uses for the cell phone and for small incidentals. I know that she refers to herself as "poor" because she is a college student and this will be an unpaid internship. She does not see my mom as poor because she owns a home, car, and always slips the grandkids a $20.

Just talk with your DD. Tell her that yes, grandma has a house/car, but those were all things that she acquired when she was still working and that it's very hard for the elderly when they stop working and have a limited amount of money coming in; yes, they scrimp and save to give their grandkids $20s once in a while but cannot not be doing it weekly. You want DD to realize that just bc grandma offers her money, offers to buy a Starbucks etc. does not mean she should accept more than 1-2 times in the summer bc grandma is probably foregoing something she really needs in order to show her granddaughter a nice summer. It sounds like your DD is reasonable and will get that. You can give your DD grocery store gift cards a certain number of times in the summer and tell her that you want her to cover groceries for both of them with that. Not sure how far you are located, but you could also drive up once at the beginning of the summer (or just get a delivery arranged) of all the non-perishables your DD needs to last through the summer -- everything from paper towels to whatever brands of shampoo she likes -- so that grandma isn't bearing the cost of additional paper goods, brand names etc.; you could also throw in that delivery other non perishables like cereals, pasta, granola bars etc. Basically, it sounds like grandma won't ask for help -- so just force it upon her -- she won't be able to say no, when you or a delivery guy show up with a few boxes of stuff or when your DD hands a grocery store gift card to a cashier and says "sorry grandma, the bill is taken care of."

[Anonymous]

All the European 20 somethings I know are not very responsible. Mom still does their laundry and makes dinner for them most evenings. They go out partying till the wee hours of the morning and still live at home with their parents. Their parents don't say much about their antics, but that doesn't make them any more responsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP who says that unpaid internships are wrong. I completely agree! Offices, companies, organizations should not be able to exploit these young people. It either forces the intern to mooch in the way the OP describes or, worse, it enables only the rich young adults to gain the valuable work experience necessary to build a career. Entirely unfair to those without somewhere to live rent-free, etc. Some of us need to be paid for our work and that should be supported.

+1
And as the well off kid who was an unpaid intern a ton, I also don't think it was good that the vast majority of my work experience was unpaid bc people teat unpaid workers far differently. You don't learn the same skills, politics, etc than you do in a paid job.