College Age "kid" question
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Anonymous
| DD20 has a summer unpaid internship in a city that neighbors where her grandmother lives. She wants to live rent-free with her. My mom agrees, but I worry that this is going to end disastrously. We have been very strict but Grandma is a softy. I am less worried about curfew or chores than I am about my mom spending a chunk of her fixed income on providing cable, wifi, organic food, and other luxuries to make DD feel like she's at home. I know they are both adults, but can I lay some groundrules like DD needs to use her cell phone for internet (she pays that bill) and pays for organic if she must have it? |
Anonymous
| They are adults. If you are concerned about it, talk to your daughter about the fact that grandma has a fixed income and how to be sensitive to that--chipping in for groceries, etc. But you can't set rules for an adult who isn't living in your house. |
Anonymous
| unpaid internships are just so wrong. |
Anonymous
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My oldest lived with my sister and her family for three months between his freshman and sophomore years. They live about 30 minutes from his college town and he had a great job that he just didn't want to walk away from during his summer break. We were living about 800 miles away at the time.
I sent my sister 250 a month to cover the additional food costs. That's the only way I could convince her to accept any money from me. I reminded her that we paid for food when he was in school and that this was no different. |
Anonymous
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Are you the go-between on this, or are mom and daughter making the arrangements themselves?
If you're the go-between, I suggest you very matter-of-factly convene a meeting (even if one or all parties are on the phone) to work out the cost-sharing for the summer. Daughter should be picking up the lion's share of the household chores if nothing else, IMO if she's going to live rent-free and her grandmother's house -- that's just being gracious. If they're making the arrangements themselves, it's not *really* your business even though it is, you know? I would talk to mom, not daughter, first, and see what she anticipates the summer will be like and what she might not have considered. Then I would suggest to mom again that she draw up an agreement with granddaughter. She can even ask granddaughter to draft something she thinks is fair -- unless your daughter is a jerk, she'll feel obligated to write up something reasonable. |
Anonymous
| A curfew for a 20 yr old? You're kidding, right? |
Anonymous
Are you 28? |
Anonymous
Americans infantalise young adulthood. |
Anonymous
| Seriously, at 20, she should be working all this out by herself. I do like the idea of sending some cash to grandma to cover additional food, but it is really your daughter and your mom's job to work all of this out. Not yours. |
Anonymous
| Why should a 20 yo ADULT without a paying job live in the lap of luxury and be treated like a spoiled CHILD? Poor people don't have cable or eat organic food. |
Anonymous
Here's the thing about a "curfew" for a 20 year old at grandma's house. I learned this as a 20 year old in my parents' house one summer. The ppl who are your hosts are likely to have different -- mature adult -- routines that can be disrupted by midnight, 1 am, 2 am home arrivals. Plus, your hosts worry about you. They just do, especially when they're family. So what happens when you're a guest in someone's home is you really do need to be sensitive to their routines. Not abide by them 100%, but know what your hosts threshold for disruption is. I am a bit ashamed that it took a "family meeting" for my parents to spell this out for me, several weekends into my youthful comings and goings. My father was going to wait up for me because his mind and body would NOT let him sleep until he knew where I was. My mother was ready to speed dial (yeah we had that, back in those days  ) the police if she could not track me down after dark. Ergo, I either come home at a reasonable hour, call or check in with the 'rents and assure them no shenanigans were happening (just a late night), or else find my own place.
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Anonymous
Because that's what the grandmother (also an adult) wants to do with her money. (If she does.) |
Anonymous
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I'd explain about the fixed income aspect of being an old person, and then encourage her to make up a budget for living with Grandma. If you were sending her money for food (food plan or whatever) then I'd do that through the summer (actually I'd provide it lump sum) and I'd encourage her to think about "where will Grandma get the money for buying this for me?" and "What will Grandma give up for herself to buy this for me?"
And don't let her pull any of that "But Grandma and I can enjoy Real Housewives Together! So she gets something out of it too!" shit. |
Anonymous
I completely agree. A 20 year old should be more than able to figure out how to respectfully live in her grandmothers home and to police herself. It is sad to see adults still so immature and irresponsible - not their fault, they haven't been given the opportunity to grow up, hence the stunted development. A parent show not be involved in arranging any of a 20 yr olds affairs. |
Anonymous
I'm the first quoted pp and this was more of my point. A 20 yr old is certainly old enough to know how to be respectful towards his/her host(s); be it parents, grandparents, or someone else. A curfew for an adult (your 20 yr old child is no longer a "kid"!) is a little ridiculous. If she's not going to be at a reasonable hour for some reason, she should have sense to let her grandmother know what time she expects to be home. |