How much do you spend on a wedding gift?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, NY weddings are nuts. My husband is from NJ and every time we go to something up there, I am blown over with the level of excess.

Depending on who the people are, give them between $100 and $200. That is very kind of you, especially because you had to make the trip and pay hotel, too. And if you hear any complaints, then they're just plain RUDE.

8:25 poster here.

That's what I hear over and over. That NY/NJ weddings are just over the top. I don't think anyone would complain, but I just don't want to feel like we're being cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who is just shocked that people spend up to $500 on a wedding gift? I usually give a place setting or a couple of crystal stems from their registry, but it's never more than about $200.

even $200 seems overly lavish to me.

maybe you all are lawyers in a fourth dimension that i have no idea about.

I really think it's a regional thing. I'm not from DC, but what do people give here?

DH is from the midwest, and it is a LOT less there (versus NY/NJ)

[Anonymous]

"That's what I hear over and over. That NY/NJ weddings are just over the top. I don't think anyone would complain, but I just don't want to feel like we're being cheap"

Why do you care if people think you are cheap? As the economy tanks, people will have lot better things to worry about.

[Anonymous]

My very proper mother and grandmother (born in Europe, later life in over-the-top NY) told me that you give about what the per-person cost of the wedding is. In NYC, that would be quite a high number. For my own MD wedding, it's about $200. This rule, however, was developed when most couples were just starting out in life and actually needed things, and most guests were established relatives or younger adults accompanied by their parents. The amount reflects (a) that you're helping the couple get started ;and (b) that the hosts have shelled out an enormous sum to entertain you.

Today, couples are often older and more established. Your wedding gift isn't their seed money for a new household. They have a colander and probably a condo by this point. If their parents paid-- and they might not have-- they aren't also relying on the gifts to provide their offspring with a start.

There is also so much more variation in guests' circumstances now. The rule my mother taught me came from a time when everyone at the wedding was reliably part of the same socioeconomic circle. No more. Thinking about my own wedding, we were two fully-established non-profit workers with a house and small nestegg but not really wealthy. We had a couple of big-time law firm partners in attendance, as well as a couple of direct-service social work providers on tiny salaries. All of us were in the same social circles but the finances varied dramatically. A hard and fast rule for gifts would have been idiotic.

What ends up happening, in my experience, is that the closer you are to the couple, the more thoughtful the gift becomes. In DC, where nearly everyone has an intense career, time is the new money.

Buy them a gift you'd have been happy to receive.

[Anonymous]

If I am not close and dont go the wedding - $50
If I go to the wedding and am not close $100
If I am close to them - $200

I worked in a hotel and the rule of thumb is to at least get a gift that is worth what the dinner is if you are not sure what to do.

[Anonymous]

To answer the OP question...according to all etiquette books you are not required to give a gift to any wedding especially one that you are not attending. Therefore I do not give a gift at wedding that I am not attending.

If you are close to the person and want to that is fine, other than that you could always send a card with a personal note.

Often times I am invited to weddings for people I hardly know...such as a co-worker who I no longer work with that I only worked with for 2 months in the first place...and then he got fired. yeah, not buying him a gift.

[Anonymous]

To 11:18 - It is not proper at all to "pay" for your place at the wedding. People with simple, small weddings do not deserve less of a gift (though, as a PP mentioned, nobody is required to give one)

It is actually improper to base the amount you spend on what you think the host spent on you, as if you were being charged. Spend what you are able to and want to based on income, closeness to the couple, etc.

[Anonymous]

Can I invite the $250-$500 people to my wedding?

My DH and I earn in the top 1% of income, and have never spent more than $180. On top of everything else, it seems kinda braggy and show-offish to spend so much. weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My DH and I earn in the top 1% of income, and have never spent more than $180. On top of everything else, it seems kinda braggy and show-offish to spend so much. weird.

Braggy and show-offish? To give a generous gift to 2 friends who you care about? To help them start their lives together?

More so braggy and show-offish to mention that you earn in the top 1% of income. wierd

We do NOT earn in the top 1% of income, but we give generous gifts to close friends and family. Because we'd like to. Not because we want to show off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To 11:18 - It is not proper at all to "pay" for your place at the wedding. People with simple, small weddings do not deserve less of a gift (though, as a PP mentioned, nobody is required to give one)

It is actually improper to base the amount you spend on what you think the host spent on you, as if you were being charged. Spend what you are able to and want to based on income, closeness to the couple, etc.

See, that is definitely a regional difference. In NY/NJ it is DEFINITELY expected that you 'cover your plate'.

I totally agree that people with simple, small weddings do not deserve less of a gift, and would be generous with either case, but in certain areas of the country, if you agree to attend, it's expected that you give accordingly. Not saying it's right or wrong, just what is done.

[Anonymous]

That may be an "expectation", but that doesn't make it proper. The hosts cannot expect guests to pay for their plate. They should be inviting people with whom they want to share their joy (yeah, I know it doesn't really work that way...)

However, just because the host has rude expectations does not make the guest bound to those. Rude all around - see Miss Manners, Emily Post, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My very proper mother and grandmother (born in Europe, later life in over-the-top NY) told me that you give about what the per-person cost of the wedding is. In NYC, that would be quite a high number. For my own MD wedding, it's about $200. This rule, however, was developed when most couples were just starting out in life and actually needed things, and most guests were established relatives or younger adults accompanied by their parents. The amount reflects (a) that you're helping the couple get started ;and (b) that the hosts have shelled out an enormous sum to entertain you.

Today, couples are often older and more established. Your wedding gift isn't their seed money for a new household. They have a colander and probably a condo by this point. If their parents paid-- and they might not have-- they aren't also relying on the gifts to provide their offspring with a start.

There is also so much more variation in guests' circumstances now. The rule my mother taught me came from a time when everyone at the wedding was reliably part of the same socioeconomic circle. No more. Thinking about my own wedding, we were two fully-established non-profit workers with a house and small nestegg but not really wealthy. We had a couple of big-time law firm partners in attendance, as well as a couple of direct-service social work providers on tiny salaries. All of us were in the same social circles but the finances varied dramatically. A hard and fast rule for gifts would have been idiotic.

What ends up happening, in my experience, is that the closer you are to the couple, the more thoughtful the gift becomes. In DC, where nearly everyone has an intense career, time is the new money.

Buy them a gift you'd have been happy to receive.

God, what a pretentious bore!

[Anonymous]

I must say this is the first time I have heard of "covering your plate" wedding gifts. That just sounds atrocious to me. We were married in DC a couple of years ago - the per person food and drink cost alone was $220 (total cost probably around $300 a head) but I would NEVER have expected people to give gifts in that price range. We were "hosting" the party/wedding and our guests were just that - our GUESTS. Expecting your guests to fund your own over-the-top wedding is just rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I must say this is the first time I have heard of "covering your plate" wedding gifts. That just sounds atrocious to me. We were married in DC a couple of years ago - the per person food and drink cost alone was $220 (total cost probably around $300 a head) but I would NEVER have expected people to give gifts in that price range. We were "hosting" the party/wedding and our guests were just that - our GUESTS. Expecting your guests to fund your own over-the-top wedding is just rude.

I can see your point however - the question was asked "how much to spend" and if you really have no clue how much to spend (to me that is odd bc only you know your budget and how close you are to the guests) it is best to at least spend as much you think it cost to be fed. It is not about funding your dinner/lunch/tea whatever, but it would be rude not to give a gift to a new couple if you attended the wedding and some ppl are really clueless about etiquette. If you are that clueless about your budget, your relationship with the couple, going on a registry and just picking something, than this rule should apply to you

[Anonymous]

An invitation from a colleague posted overseas had a card that outlined reasons why the couple wanted people to give money.