Asian moms

[Anonymous]

My MIL never had a voice in her birth family or her adult family, so she resents me (only DIL) for being who I am. Not my problem.

I let DH handle her. When he doesn't, I step in. Neither DH nor MIL like it very much when I step in, as I do not mince words. Do what you gotta do, OP. Its YOUR house now, baby!!

[Anonymous]

My non-Asian, but alas Jewish MIL just asked her mom not to give me any desert: "N. (her son, my DH) is stressed out because of L's (me) unhealthy eating habits. Don't letL eat any sweets" I have a sweet tooth, but no near overweight (5'7", 125 pounds). They all ate desert, but me.

[Anonymous]

This is a MIL thing. My MIL fed my baby all kind of trashy non Asian food while I was taking a nap!

[Anonymous]

It depends on the whether the Asian MIL is a recent immigrant or not. If they are recent immigrants then they are kinda of isolated here and the focus will be on the new baby and taking charge of everything. I'm Asian and my family and mother have been here for 3-4 decades. My husband and I would love for my mother to move in and live with us but she has her own life and takes trips with friends she's known forever.

[Anonymous]

BTW , I find this title and the post offensive. What if there was a vent post titled White mom? I am Asian and I do have Caucasian MIL and I have many reasons to vent about but the title would be Moms or MIL vent and not White mom. And there is another thread in VA schools about why there is so much hatred towards Asians around here.

[Anonymous]

The title and OP were not offensive to me. The poster seemed to be asking for clarification about what her Asian husband had said about his Asian mother--that some of her behavior was "an Asian thing."

My MIL is Asian, and is a lovely, sweet person, but there are some extreme cultural differences that make things difficult for us at times. Attitudes and behaviors that are cultural norms for her are the stuff of nightmares for me.

It's not about hating Asians. It's about separating personality from cultural issues so we can understand each other and get along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an Asian MIL. She's very, very nice, but it's true that culturally her boundaries are nothing like what I would expect, as a WASP. She has no boundaries by my standards. She and her cohort believe that parents own everything a child has, and the child owes the parents everything and must do as the parents ask. She feels she has the right to move into our house and run things. She desperately wants to move into our house, and her son cannot tell her no. The only reason she hasn't yet is that I've worked hard to show her that she wouldn't be comfortable, that I wouldn't kowtow to her as she expects. that we'd all be miserable, and that I'd keep things my way. Even a nice Asian mother-in-law can be a nightmare, in a way. Her son cannot say anything to her, because it's culturally forbidden, so I am the bad guy, and she takes it out on me.

Is your DH the oldest son? If so, he is obligated to take care of his parents. I have seen this in Japanese, Chinese, and Korean families. Sorry you weren't aware of this before marriage, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are they all controlling and crazy? My friend just had a baby and is having the worst experience with her MIL. The woman is batshit, knows no boundaries and the son seems powerless to reign her in. He keeps making comments about it being an "asian mom" thing. Is this a common thing? I think it's just that his mom is a nutter.

Having this exact same experience with my Asian DIL.

[Anonymous]

Yes, some Asian moms can be a nightmare. Some even threaten to commit suicide when their sons want to marry non-Asian women. That's why so many young Asian women just marry white men because they don't want to endure the misery of an Asian mother-in-law. If more Asian men will grow a backbone and stop allowing mommy to control their life, then their mothers would stop with their threats and antics. You have to stand your ground with some Asian mother in-laws because they will make your life a living Hell. The crazy ones care more about upholding tradition and maintaining control than with the happiness of their children.

That whole stereotype of Asian women being docile or easy to deal with goes out the window once you meet your future Asian mother in-law. The mother bear, helicopter mom comes out in full force. You are now dealing with a dictator who refuses to make peace with you. Controlling and crazy doesn't even describe the insanity that they will put you through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My non-Asian, but alas Jewish MIL just asked her mom not to give me any desert: "N. (her son, my DH) is stressed out because of L's (me) unhealthy eating habits. Don't letL eat any sweets" I have a sweet tooth, but no near overweight (5'7", 125 pounds). They all ate desert, but me.

Interesting. Several Asian women have told that me if I keep eating X, I will get fat.

[Anonymous]

In my Vietnamese MIL's culture, there is a cultural expectation that 1) the eldest son's parents will live with him and his family, and 2) the MIL will rule the roost.

My MIL once told me that her own MIL was so overbearing that she wanted to be the opposite. She is probably the sweetest person I've ever met, and she goes out of her way to be respectful of my role as wife/mother and, when she's visiting, of the way I run my household.

So sometimes there are cultural expectations or traditions that may influence a situation, but individual personalities are probably more important. As several PPs have noted, overbearing MILs exist in every culture.

[Anonymous]

My Asian MIL is a God send. She helps us out with every bind and is such a great support for us as well as being a great grand mom for our son! I love my Asian MIL!!! (maybe even more than my own mom!)

[Anonymous]

No, it's a MIL thing. Mine is as Anglo-Saxon as can be, and her undermining behavior didn't stop until I cut off all communication for almost a year, except for polite "thank you for your presents for the kids" and "happy birthday". After years of being passive aggressive, she got the message. Really, let's stop with this Asian thing. As a PP pointed out, Asia is a huge continent. And really, you don't know controlling adults of your own race??

[Anonymous]

This sounds exactly like some endless discussions we had during college about "women." Women are like "this", women want "that", etc. It took me a while to figure out that I don't need to figure out "women" (a fool's errand); I just needed to understand my woman.

The "Asian Mom" thing seems to be a red herring. Focus on her as an individual. (she may be nuts but you don't need to fit it into a demographic explanation)

[Anonymous]

Of course the personality of the individual matters in how they do things.

However, let's not minimize the influence of culture. Unless you've spent many years deeply embedded within the family life of drastically different cultures, you probably won't realize how much these differences can affect basic world view and what is expected of people in the family.

If one day your Asian MIL shows up at your door, and tells you she owns your house and all your belongings, and that her son, and by extension, you, owe her everything, and she's ready to take over your lives and move in now, guess what, that's considered a valid and normal attitude in a lot of Asian cultures, and you will be seen as wrong to say anything against her or to believe that she doesn't own everything you have. She's not being nuts or overbearing. She's doing what is normal for her culture. It's your culture and attitude that's wrong and crazy, to her. So that's what people here are talking about.