Is "The One That Got Away" a Real Thing for People or Just a Form of Escapism????

[Anonymous]

It's an idealized fantasy. I turn to mine when things are bad with DH.

[Anonymous]

1124, your story intrigues me. Is your ex dating? Have you dated since you and he broke up? Does he know how you feel? I am hoping you two can have a romantic relationship, thoughI do agree with the PP who says he isn't that great of a guy if he dumped you due to the stress of an unintended pregnancy. He's certainly not worth pining for and preventing you from falling in love with and having a loving relationship with a man who wants to be with you.

[Anonymous]

13:59 - I don't think my ex has dated since we broke up. He was never much of a dater - he was career military, frequently deployed, and dating just wasn't a priority. Marriage/kids was just never something he planned to do; he came around on the kid thing but I'm not sure he ever would on marriage. He seems ok flying solo. I've dated a little, but mostly just backburner the whole idea of dating and focus on my kid, work, house and social life. It's hard to meet suitable guys in real life, and I have a hard time making the time/energy/ enthusiasm for meeting guys online when I have so many other things to do with my limited free time. Hmm.

[Anonymous]

Someone told me this once..........that I was the one that got away.......I think its entirely escapism for probably 95% of of the people who pine. In reality we were in our early 20s, I'm not even entirely the "one" that he remembers in my 30s (although I guess the core of me is the same) so what he pines for is more a projection than actually "me". I think its just because I was more cute but awkward in my early 20s and I actually look more sophisticated/better in my 30s. I think a part of it is escapism just because I 'peaked' later on and his current wife is kind of the opposite of me (she was a knock out younger but looks kind of older, but still nice, she's introverted) I'm not better, I'm merely the green grass somewhere else.

[boyleanne]

I personally do not believe on that. Nowadays, many cases of infidelity is existing, but how could someone's heart so cruel to leave a family behind because of their past love?

[Anonymous]

My DH had an emotional affair with "the one who got away". It was his first girlfiend (and first sex) and they were together from age 16-20. But get this....that was 35 effing years ago! Sorry for the cussing, but really? He is not the cheater type either - really he isn't. While he has his failings which affect him in relationships, he is overall a good person. She was a heartbreaker type back then - she broke up with him to date others, then would get back together with him. She used him then and broke his heart. All he ever said about her was negative stuff and how dangerous and cruel she was, and that he was glad it ended and that he later found me. He never had anything good to say nor any interest in talking with her. He said he was over her long ago.

Well...then there is facebook...he gets an account a couple years ago and she finds him. She calls him at work, they talk, then she emails, IMs him, calls more, send him books, music, etc......and he totally reciprocates the communication. Early on, he covers it up, I find out, he says he will stop (after a lot of fighting over why it isn't good for our marriage, that they are not just friends, and that I am not just being jealous). That has to happen about 3 times until he finally stops....supposedly. Fast forward to about 9 months ago (so 2 years after the intitial EA)....I find some evidence that they have still had some email and phone contact, just hidden it better, but what seems like not as often. Still, one of the emails from her says she thought about him when she heard a love song and saying "I love you".

Now I think they have no contact. I don't know if it is because he isn't as into her now as compared to 2 years ago, it has fizzled out, and she was keeping on contact more than was.....he did say in counseling that he thought it was a fantasy type thing - and escape - a return to his youth to talk with her and remember all the things they did (they traveled and lived together) - and remember the feelings of course. Then he said it isn't the same, they are older and they aren't the person you've been remembering all this time. I don't know how much of that was said to please the counselor and me who were sitting there. I think he feels pressure to say the right thing. He may just not be talking to her right now (last 6 months or so) because he has no work email or work phone to do it secretly, since he is laid off.

I don't get it. I rememebr fantasizing about my first love in my 20's, but after that I got over it. After a certain amount of time, you'd think you could see reality. He is in his 50's after all.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is me. First serious gf dumped me for another guy and then finds me on Facebook and asks to friend me. I am also in my 50's, ignored her request, and feel great. This is because I know not responding ticks her off, even after all these years. Live well and leave the past in the past.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the response, PP. I am the pp who wrote before you, with my DH and his first love having an EA. Good for you for having the insight to ignore her and realize that talking with her would just make more problems!! It is a slippery slope....you think you will just catch up, then there are feelings and fantasies once you talk, and before you know it, you are lying to your wife and hiding an EA (or worse). Kudos to you for refusing to respond to her. There is a reason people break up and move on, after all. I hope my DH and I can work this out and chalk it up to a learning experience.