Making new friends when you're DINKS in the burbs

[Anonymous]

I have an idea - tell coworkers and a few neighbors that you are starting a book club. You can send cards to your neighbors, and get email addresses at work (and send evites). I'm not sure how the whole book club thing works, but I am thinking that the 1st meeting could be like mimosas and you have a book ready to show people what you all will be talking about at the next meeting.

Or, you can kind of do the same thing by inviting neighbors and co-workers, only make it one of those women's parties, like a candle party or something like that (I'm not sure what the latest fad is).

[Anonymous]

OP, I just wanted to commiserate a little. Thankfully I have family and a few good friends in the DC area, because I moved here about six years ago and literally have made no new "real" friends. Many nice acquaintances, but nothing approaching friendship. Similar but different work situation - I work in a nice but tiny tiny office where I just have never really connected with anyone personally and DH is in a office where most are considerably older. So I agree with the PPs that say that outside of work, it is difficult to make friends in DC. One thing I would suggest is to seriously consider moving to a different suburb. Many burbs (we are in MoCo) are much much friendlier than what you describe. So unless you are particularly wedded to where you are, why not consider moving (or assessing this in the next year or two).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an idea - tell coworkers and a few neighbors that you are starting a book club. You can send cards to your neighbors, and get email addresses at work (and send evites). I'm not sure how the whole book club thing works, but I am thinking that the 1st meeting could be like mimosas and you have a book ready to show people what you all will be talking about at the next meeting.

Or, you can kind of do the same thing by inviting neighbors and co-workers, only make it one of those women's parties, like a candle party or something like that (I'm not sure what the latest fad is).

Whatever you do, don't have a sales party. People universally hate these and will RSVP no and you'll end up thinking it's you when it's the sales party aspect that they're saying no to. Have a gathering that is just a gathering. If you identify people that you'd like to get to know better, just invite them over for dinner, coffee, brunch, anything.

[Anonymous]

BURKE! Oh sister. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

What demographic are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BURKE! Oh sister. Yikes.

Come on, wouldn't you rather OP stay in Burke to avoid infecting you with her terminal hickness, uncoolness, and/or exposure to a Confederate flag?

YEE-HAW!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What demographic are you?

In Burke? What would make them stand out?

Hmm . . .

A high school education?

Teeth?
(I kid, I kid.)

[Anonymous]

Adult Friend Finder

[Anonymous]

1. Burke is pretty far. I was going to say that I had no problems making friends here but DH and I live in N Arlington near the Orange line -- going into the city is a BIG plus when you want to make friends as a singleton or DINK couple.

2. Can you do some classes in a grad program? I work for a university and SO many DINKs meet their friends this way -- myself included. Most people in grad programs in DC skew older. I was one of the youngest in my grad program (most were working professionals in their mid-30s). Fun group and we are still friends.

3. Join some damned clubs. You have to put yourself out there and have fun to make friends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult Friend Finder

Laughing at the memory (not OP)

[Anonymous]

This is an honest answer, so sorry if it seems harsh! I don't think your married 30s are meant to be a time where your social life blossoms with new people. Your 30s are meant to be a time where you invest your time, energy, and money in your existing connections, and in creating your new family. You spend your time with your spouse, your kids, taking on new responsibility at your job, strengthening your connections to your family (and meeting new family obligations as your parents/grandparents age), and hopefully, staying in touch with your old friends.

If you want to have a more vibrant social life, then I really don't think there is any solution other than moving to a more dense area so you'll have more social encounters, and you'll be around more childless/single people with more time to devote to socializing. You still may not find any new best friends -- it's not college -- but you will develop acquaintances. And once you have kids, you'll start doing playdates, running into other moms at the park, etc.

In short -- the reason you aren't making friends is because this is not really the time of life when people spend a lot of energy & time on totally new connections -- unless you surround yourself with people who DO have the energy & time to do so -- i.e., move to a city.

[Anonymous]

OP-People on this site will broil and eat a person from Rockville/Burke/Vienna, etc. This really isn't the place to ask where to meet people. They've already met all the people they like and hate everyone else. Sad, but there it is.

[Anonymous]

How do you know an acquaintance doesn't have the potential to be a close friend?

[Anonymous]

I think that a lot of it probably depends on your definition of a close friendship. Granted, I have a child now, but I have people who I consider to be very good friends with who I see once a month on a Saturday afternoon for coffee. People are busy, and that's the case regardless of whether they have family in this area or friends, or whatever. It's part of the "problem" of being in your 30s, I think. Life is just different than when you were in your early 20s and didn't have house stuff or other stuff to deal with.

In terms of the activities though, you need to give it some time. What you consider to be casual acquaintances might for most others be considered to be the "getting to know you" stage of becoming friends...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just some commiseration for OP: DH and I also are mid-30s DINKs in the suburbs -- not the exurbs, but a townhouse walking distance to a Metro. I have no friends other than current or former co-workers, and DH has only a few. I have a long commute, we both like to exercise, and after work we need to get home to take care of the dog (compatible with exercise, but not with happy hour after work). Add to that the fact it takes forever to get anywhere in this area after work -- either the auto traffic is terrible or the Metro is doing track work at night -- and I don't see how to make time to see anyone or pick up group hobbies. My co-workers are friendly and we hang out occasionally, but everybody has their own commutes and schedules to deal with. My neighbors are either elderly, or else several years ahead of us with kids. (I also find that the more shared walls the less people want to socialize, as they're trying to create an illusion of privacy.) I say all of this just so you know you're not alone, or crazy.

I have had some luck with meetup.com. I haven't made any lasting friends that way, but it's a nice way to meet new people and get out of the house.

OP here. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I agree that weeknights are hard to socialize, but we're always free on weekends. I did join a sports league for a year and made a few acquainces who invited me to a few group get togethers, but no real friends who I would feel comfortable asking to get together for brunch on a Sunday, for instance.

We're not in a super close-in suburb, we're in Burke, but we're in a neighborhood where we are just not in the same demographic as the neighbors, which is why I think they are unfriendly to us. Though I really don't think that being in the suburbs is necessarily the reason why we don't have friends. I think it's just really hard to make new social connections when you're in your 30s in a new city. Meeting new people is easy, making acquaintances is fairly easy, but making real friendships is very difficult because everyone is so crazy busy and no one has time to make new friends.

Okay, so this totally explains, you live in the boonies.