Making new friends when you're DINKS in the burbs

[Anonymous]

OP I started reading your post with sympathy but ultimately it sounds like you have a lot of excuses and a woe-is-me attitude, and you shoot down every potential suggestion. That general attitude might be what is turning off potential friends. Because if you've really tried (and I mean really tried, not tried once or twice) everything you say you have and neither of you can make a single friend, I have to think the problem is you. I've lived in a couple of different DC-area 'hoods and I've always made friends easily with coworkers (regardless of age), neighbors, people in my running group, political causes, etc.

[Anonymous]

You will make a ton of friends once you are pregnant through prenatal yoga classes. Also, if you are in Arlington, you will make friends through MONA.

In the meantime, what about your alumni network? You could meet friends through cooking classes. Or any kind of classes - photography, belly dance, meditation, etc. Think about it like dating -- if you were single now, where would you meet people and how would you ask them out?

[Anonymous]

Take a class for new moms while you're home with the baby--I did one called PACE. Didn't become bosom buddies, but we're all still in touch years later. You will also make a whole new set of friends through daycare and school.

Also, our social life as a family with two young kids isn't great, either. They sap your energy to go out the first few years; it's hard to find babysitting, etc. I've lost touch with a lot of friends. I haven't been invited to a New Year's Eve party in years. I think people just assume I don't go out on New Year's Eve. BUT, I remind myself that in this situation you have to reach out. Completely agree with the PP who advised throwing a drunken barbeque. Or a Memorial Day party, or anything, if you have enough acquaintances to invite.

I'm also reminded how terribly lonely it was for me to move to DC 20 years ago when I was single. Seemed to take months to even find someone to go out with at night. My first friends were housemates in my shared house. I can easily see that being part of a couple, and a few years older, makes it even harder. But keep making the effort. And remember that your social life will change completely anyway if you end up having kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it sounds like you are making excuses, especially since you say the same thing would happen if you lived somewhere else! I moved here little over a year ago, and have made some friends at work. It was easier to make friends in Richmond, as it's a friendlier place. Maybe you should move there.

[Anonymous]

Join a bowling league. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Hate to say it OP, but the DC area is notoriously unfriendly. Just look around on this site and you'll see many other posts that mirror your own: people who try and just can't seem to make friends here. It is this area.

[Anonymous]

Join a run club. The kind run by a store for free City sports or pacers has them. They run it as a way to get people into the store and all levels are welcome ( I started this year to get in shape and I'm the slowest by far bubits still fun) it's a good way to be outside and meet people and they're usually from the surrounding neighborhoods. In the warm weather you can go to a nearby Starbucks for a post run treat and chat and get to know people. Volunteering at your local library is also worth a try. And from what I hear church or synagogue is a good place to meet people too (I have no experience myself)
You're right in that a lot of DINKs in the burbs have friend groups from hs or college but at least mine are always acquiring new couples based on common interests etc.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried volunterring for animal or human causes? Do people in your neighborhood have dogs? Walking a dog is a good way to meet people.

[Anonymous]

I lived in DC for nine years, and here's what I noticed: people in DC tend to be hard workers, overachievers, competitive, a tad bit self-involved, easily stressed, and socially awkward. I think it comes from being the geeky kid in middle school who worked hard and succeeded, and thus got a job in government or law or another career that attracted them to DC. Where they all settled down and raised overachieving children who were hard workers, competitive, awkward, etc.

Obviously not everyone in DC is like this, but I do think that this is the type of person the city attracts. People just don't seem to have the same social skills and there's not the same gregariousness that you see in other cities (and I have literally lived all over the world, parents were in military). I found it very hard to make friends in DC...and I had tons of friends all my life until I moved here. I remember trying so hard to make small talk with people. You say, "How are you?" They say, "Fine." You say, "Have you read any good books lately?" They say, "Not really." It's like pulling teeth and it's hard to make the personal connection.

Plus everybody is so tired from the long hours and the commute that they don't have the time/energy to hang out after work.

I had about a dozen close friends in DC, but it wasn't until I moved away that I saw they were really acquaintances. In the three months I have been in my new city, I have made so many and so much more engaging friends than I did in a decade in DC.

[Anonymous]

Can you name your new city, PP? I'm always curious about a city's social culture because we move around a lot.

FWIW, I totally agree with you about people in DC tending to be a little tough to get to know. I was talking to someone today who said she was from California. I asked her how she liked it there, and her answer was "well, I grew up there" and then she just stared at me blankly. Okay then...I thought it was a simple question, but I guess not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shared activities.

We have always lived in the suburbs and for the first many years, I was a single homeowner in the burbs. Then for 10 years I was a DINK until we finally had kids late. We have always been busy and had friends around. Who were our friends? People we met through various groups that we joined. We were involved with the folk dancing scene and my wife spent time with other dancers, people who she would meet for dinner before a dance and then go to the dance with and I'd sometimes go, too. We got very involved with community theater and we were frequently active and socializing with the people who were involved in our current production but between productions we socialized a lot with those people.

First and foremost, find an activity that you enjoy. Participate. Be open about looking for people to go to dinner with before an evening activity. Or perhaps after a weekend afternoon activity. Work on making those plans before the day of. Like if you see some people you enjoyed spending time with, say "I'm coming back again in two weeks...we'd like to head out to dinner afterwards and wind down...anyone interested? Here's my number. If you find that you're free, give me a call and we'll coordinate." But you have to be active and look to coordinate the first few times. While it used to be common that people welcome newcomers into groups and tried to invite them to shared events, that's not very common anymore and now you have to be active looking for people of like mind and inviting people. Don't be discouraged when a few people turn you down...not everyone has the same flexibility that you have. But if you try, you'll find people of like mind that will have similar interests and similar inclination to socialize.

OP here. I appreciated reading your story. I do think shared activities are key and we do need to find more of those. However, when we have tried this in the past (volunteering, meetup, etc.) I found that I rarely saw the same people at the next event. I'd go to a meetup and have a nice time, but not really click with anyone, and then the next time it would be all new people, and the next time would be all new people again. Hard to meet people unless you're seeing them regularly. I did join a book club for 2 years, and enjoyed it, and socialized with the other women casually, and made a few acquaintances, but no real friendships from that. I'll have to think harder about how I can find more regular activities to meet people. DH and I recently joined a new social group, and I have taken the role of organizing events through that, so we'll see how that goes.

Above PP again. When you think about shared activities, think about ones that people do long-term and repeatedly. For example, volunteerism is great, but you want an organization where people show up again and again for specific events. For example, I've worked in several soup kitchens and the ones where I met friends were the ones where a specific group worked "every third Tuesday" or "every fourth Monday" In general, if you don't get into a cycle, as you said, you'll never see the same people which doesn't help your cause. You need an activity that had recurring events where you become involved over several weeks and that the same people are involved in. What are some of your interests? If we have some ideas of the things you enjoy doing, then we can offer activities/groups where you can meet the same people routinely. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Just some commiseration for OP: DH and I also are mid-30s DINKs in the suburbs -- not the exurbs, but a townhouse walking distance to a Metro. I have no friends other than current or former co-workers, and DH has only a few. I have a long commute, we both like to exercise, and after work we need to get home to take care of the dog (compatible with exercise, but not with happy hour after work). Add to that the fact it takes forever to get anywhere in this area after work -- either the auto traffic is terrible or the Metro is doing track work at night -- and I don't see how to make time to see anyone or pick up group hobbies. My co-workers are friendly and we hang out occasionally, but everybody has their own commutes and schedules to deal with. My neighbors are either elderly, or else several years ahead of us with kids. (I also find that the more shared walls the less people want to socialize, as they're trying to create an illusion of privacy.) I say all of this just so you know you're not alone, or crazy.

I have had some luck with meetup.com. I haven't made any lasting friends that way, but it's a nice way to meet new people and get out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just some commiseration for OP: DH and I also are mid-30s DINKs in the suburbs -- not the exurbs, but a townhouse walking distance to a Metro. I have no friends other than current or former co-workers, and DH has only a few. I have a long commute, we both like to exercise, and after work we need to get home to take care of the dog (compatible with exercise, but not with happy hour after work). Add to that the fact it takes forever to get anywhere in this area after work -- either the auto traffic is terrible or the Metro is doing track work at night -- and I don't see how to make time to see anyone or pick up group hobbies. My co-workers are friendly and we hang out occasionally, but everybody has their own commutes and schedules to deal with. My neighbors are either elderly, or else several years ahead of us with kids. (I also find that the more shared walls the less people want to socialize, as they're trying to create an illusion of privacy.) I say all of this just so you know you're not alone, or crazy.

I have had some luck with meetup.com. I haven't made any lasting friends that way, but it's a nice way to meet new people and get out of the house.

OP here. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I agree that weeknights are hard to socialize, but we're always free on weekends. I did join a sports league for a year and made a few acquainces who invited me to a few group get togethers, but no real friends who I would feel comfortable asking to get together for brunch on a Sunday, for instance.

We're not in a super close-in suburb, we're in Burke, but we're in a neighborhood where we are just not in the same demographic as the neighbors, which is why I think they are unfriendly to us. Though I really don't think that being in the suburbs is necessarily the reason why we don't have friends. I think it's just really hard to make new social connections when you're in your 30s in a new city. Meeting new people is easy, making acquaintances is fairly easy, but making real friendships is very difficult because everyone is so crazy busy and no one has time to make new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just some commiseration for OP: DH and I also are mid-30s DINKs in the suburbs -- not the exurbs, but a townhouse walking distance to a Metro. I have no friends other than current or former co-workers, and DH has only a few. I have a long commute, we both like to exercise, and after work we need to get home to take care of the dog (compatible with exercise, but not with happy hour after work). Add to that the fact it takes forever to get anywhere in this area after work -- either the auto traffic is terrible or the Metro is doing track work at night -- and I don't see how to make time to see anyone or pick up group hobbies. My co-workers are friendly and we hang out occasionally, but everybody has their own commutes and schedules to deal with. My neighbors are either elderly, or else several years ahead of us with kids. (I also find that the more shared walls the less people want to socialize, as they're trying to create an illusion of privacy.) I say all of this just so you know you're not alone, or crazy.

I have had some luck with meetup.com. I haven't made any lasting friends that way, but it's a nice way to meet new people and get out of the house.

OP here. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I agree that weeknights are hard to socialize, but we're always free on weekends. I did join a sports league for a year and made a few acquainces who invited me to a few group get togethers, but no real friends who I would feel comfortable asking to get together for brunch on a Sunday, for instance.

We're not in a super close-in suburb, we're in Burke, but we're in a neighborhood where we are just not in the same demographic as the neighbors, which is why I think they are unfriendly to us. Though I really don't think that being in the suburbs is necessarily the reason why we don't have friends. I think it's just really hard to make new social connections when you're in your 30s in a new city. Meeting new people is easy, making acquaintances is fairly easy, but making real friendships is very difficult because everyone is so crazy busy and no one has time to make new friends.

The thing is, to really make friends you have to go out on a limb and invite people over even when you think the friendship isn't at that level yet. Some one has to make the first move to move the friendship (or potential friendship) to the next level. I keep hearing you say, "I can't invite my colleagues out for drinks, we don't have that kind o relationship", "i'm uncomfortable inviting the spots league friends over for brunch", etc. etc. etc. You have to act like the friend you want to be. Fake it until you make it.

We moved to DC (NW DC) not knowing a soul 4 years ago. Some of our closest friends now (and we now have many) are people I literally met a handful of times and then said, "heck, would you like to come over for dinner?". And yes, it was scary and not my norm and it wasn't always reciprocated. But sometimes it was and some awesome friendships developed. And in some cases, I invited again and again without reciprocation (despite feeling like I was WAY out of my comfort zone). But it worked.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like Fairfax County. (I'm from Montgomery County, and neighbors were very friendly there).

If so, try to get to know at least 1 person who is born/raised in the area because that can blossom into you meeting so many people from around there. Happened to me, and it's like everybody knows everybody around here and the world went from huge I'm alone to very, very small. Like wearing sunglasses at the grocery store sometimes small so as to go un-noticed when I don't feel social. Not sure that works actually, but I like to think so.