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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] I feel like my son (19 y.o.) is messing up his life but afraid to interfere too much not to lose connection with him. He is a sophomore  in college, used to live in the dorms, but after a failed semester lost his scholarship and moved in with us. Although his grades went up, he hated living with at home and asked to rent him an apartment in the city. We refused (just don't have the money). He then found a job that pays well but not enough to pay the for the apartment. The job is interesting and in his field, but we cautioned him that it's impossible to combine 30 hrs a week with being a full time student. He admitted contemplating dropping out of college. Finally, he moved in with his girlfriend that he met in August (so he knows her for less than 6 months). She is a bit older and will be graduating this year.  DH and I are not psyched about her for a number of reasons but keep our mouths shut. He also has several fake IDs and drinks regularly. We confiscated IDs, he'd get new ones. Now when he's not living with us, we are not sure how much he drinks and since the girl is smoking he picked up smoking too. He gets very pissy, screams, slams doors or just leaves when we are trying to approach the situation. We have no control over the situation anymore and scared that he'll drop out of college and we'll become a drunk (family history here). What would you do?[/quote]

Mom, please consider the fact that you can work 30 hours and be a full time student.  I did that, because I had to put myself through school, and I needed a car my parents couldn't afford.  I'm 35 now and did a lot of the things your son is doing - smoking, social drinking (sometimes more than was prudent) - but I always made it work because school was important to me.  My mother didn't like it but she kept her mouth shut about the smoking, drinking and boyfriends I hated, because she knew she couldn't control me in that way anymore and that it would backfire in her face (it would have).  I did a lot of stupid crap, and probably wasn't very nice to her.  I look back on that time now and see how utterly wise my mom was.  Her one goal in life was to get all of her kids through college.  She was not going to get deterred from that by focusing on the trees at the expense of the forest.  And guess what?  I'm a professional with a masters degree, professional job, family, house - the whole works.

It sounds like your son doesn't have the focus on school that I did, but I really do think that your attitude probably comes across to your son as punitive and demeaning.  I realize that is not your intent, but I'm a firm believer that perception is reality, so to your son, that's likely his reality.  Have you tried having an honest conversation with him, to let him know that you are concerned and to ask him how he is feeling about the way things are going?  He's a 19yo boy.  At the same time that he is going out of his way to prove to you that he is an adult, he still desperately needs you.  But of course you can't admit that to your parents at that age.  So you have to find a way to let him know that you are still there but that you do not intend to treat him like a child, nor will you try to control him or make decisions for him (because you have to admit your attempts to do that are failing right now).

Good luck.  God I dread being in your shoes one day.  I know it can't be easy.

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