Is my DD being completly disrespectful? VENT

[Anonymous]

+1. My mother was deeply shaken when she was forced to see an aunt's open casket as a child. She never quite got over it. I don't like open casket services at all and find them maudlin, but that's just me. I would never force my children to attend one and I would encourage family members to have closed caskets when I have the clout to do so. It's a huge moneymaker for funeral homes but I wish the practice would go away.

[Anonymous]

My mother is in her 60s and to this day will not go near an open casket at a funeral. She isn't being disrespectful, she is simply traumatized by having been to an open casket wake as a young girl. Your daughter is 14. She wrote a eulogy for the funeral. She is apprehensive about going to the wake. Allow her to grieve in her own way. And your comment about her being able to handle this because of her love of horror movies makes you sound like the teenager in this equation.

[Anonymous]

exactly.

[Anonymous]

I see a lot of disrespect here. For you, OP. Your daughter is grieving (if this is even a real post) and because she isn't grieving the "correct" way, you are angry with her and "venting" about it. I was 17 when my grandmother passed away and did not attend her wake, and refused to look at her casket. My mom urged me to "see her one last time." But I had already seen her one last time--the last time I saw her alive. I had no interest in wallowing in grief with other people who (to me, at age 17) couldn't fathom how important she had been in my life. Let it go, OP. Grieve in your own way and let her grieve in hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, yes! it is her great grandmother's body! Not just "some dead corpse" and she is vehemently opposing going to the wake. If she is going to the funeral, everyone there is going to be sad and she will be sitting there totally emotionless like this is just another day in her life.

Wow! If this is the OP....I feel sorry for your daughter. It is a shame that, instead of focusing on what your daughter is actually feeling, you are criticizing her because she does not appear emotional enough for you. I am glad that my parents were not like you. I was the type who showed very little emotion at wakes and funerals but would be extremely emotional when I was alone. It was a defense mechanism for me- not showing my vulnerabilties. And my parents totally understood that and dealt with me on my own terms.

OP...YOU are the one who needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

OP…if this is a real post, you are wrong. Maybe you forgot what it was like to be a teenager. Swirling emotions that you do not know how to handle. Trust me, your daughter is sad…probably sadder than you are.

In my own case, I never forced any of my kids to attend wakes. In one case, my kids watched their grandmother die right in front of them. 3 of my 4 kids could not bring themselves to look at her in the casket and attend the wake. Seeing her laying there and having to accept condolences from people they had never met would have been too much for them. They were perceptive enough and had enough self-awareness to realize it.

Support your daughter in her loss. Who cares about the perception?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she has seen bodies on TV. She watches horror movies like there is no tomorrow, which is why I dont buy the whole "Its too much to handle". She knows that people die. She isnt 2. I guess I just wish she would grow up and show some respect for her family at this tough time.

Octotroll.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think you need to open some communication here regardless of the result. You need to hear where she is coming from. If she wants her opionion to be respected she should be able to verbalize it a bit better. Hear here without passing judgement. My 13 yo would be very uncomfortable at a wake but would likely be open to staying in the reception area if that was offered to her. That said, you also have a right to say your piece. You can remind her of Granny's kindness to her and request that she honor her in some way (maybe a flower arrangement or decoration of some kind at the wake. I remember a friend and his cousins all leaving their favorite candybars lining a grandfather's casket as he always kept each's favorite on hand for their visits.) Remind her that this is a hard time for your DH and she can support him with her presence. Either way, I wouldn't push but I would want her to open up more about her feelings if she can.

[Anonymous]

I didn't attend DH's wake and the only reason I attended his funeral was because a lot my co-workers planned to attend the funeral.

No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 14 when my grandfather died and I begged not to go to the wake. I had been to one before and it really disturbed me. I didn't want my last memories of my grandfather (who was like a father to me) to be dead in a coffin. My mom made me go and I was so upset that I skipped the funeral the next day. I regret not going to the funeral but I wished my mother hadn't made me go to the wake. By that age, your child should know herself well enough to make that choice.

This!

It sounds like your daughter will say goodbye at the funeral. Why make her go to the wake? Everyone should be able to make that decision themselves. I'd rather go to the funeral to say goodbye and remember the person healthy and alive than laying dead in front of me.
That you are comparing this to moves makes you sound disrespectful and immature.

[Anonymous]

Op, if you wanted your daughter to attend the wake because it was important to you to have family together, you went about it all the wrong way. Calling her rude and disrespectful is just going to shut her down more. If instead you had talked to her about her grief, her memories, what was bothering her most about being at the wake. If you had talked to her, showing genuine interest in her perspective and talking about why you would like her there and what she might regret if she didn't go IN THE CONTEXT of where she was at and how she was feeling, you might have had a different outcome.

[Anonymous]

14 is a time when children learn how to handle emotions. She needs space to learn how to react, process and handle. Stop judging and give her the space - would elaborate but I also suspect octo based on the belligerent op response.

[Anonymous]

Many people tend to hide their grief. I know I do. Doesn't mean I don't cry myself to sleep sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I am a 40 year old woman, and I hate wakes. My last memory of my grandfather is dead in a casket. I hate that.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother was buried yesterday and I didnt attend the wake. I never do, as I have no desire to see someone lying in a casket. You sound really selfish or clueless OP.