Is my DD being completly disrespectful? VENT

[Anonymous]

The other day we lost her great grandmother (my grandmother in law). She grew up with her and went to stay with her everyday instead of being sent to daycare or having a nanny when she was 0-4. My DD is 14 and she did not cry when I told her about the death. Today she told me that she is not going to the wake on Wednesday. DD said that she does not want to go to see her great grandmother's dead body. She has written a speech for the funeral so I'm pretty sure she is going to go. I think she is being petty and rude for not attending the wake. My sister thinks that I am being ridiculous. Do I have a right to be annoyed at my DD's disrespect?

[Anonymous]

I think your DD might be upset and afraid. Has she been to an open casket wake before? iIt is huge that she wrote a speech!

Not crying in front of you is not disrespectful. Maybe she cried in private, in the shower or falling asleep or when she was writing her speech. Maybe she didn't cry but is still sad.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is disrespect, I think it is just a different way of looking at death. I myself really don't feel comfortable at wakes and don't feel that they are a good way of remembering the person that passed. She probably just thinks of the dead body as something separate from the person she knew.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is going to the funeral and giving a speech? maybe she is a little young to go to a wake and see "a dead body"? I guess I wonder the tone she used in not going, if it was sassy or if she was just very scared?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your DD might be upset and afraid. Has she been to an open casket wake before? iIt is huge that she wrote a speech!

Not crying in front of you is not disrespectful. Maybe she cried in private, in the shower or falling asleep or when she was writing her speech. Maybe she didn't cry but is still sad.

I took her to a wake at the age of 8. it wasn't for immediate family, it was for a family friend who she had never met but yes it was open casket. I guess its just different now because she directly said "I am not going".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other day we lost her great grandmother (my grandmother in law). She grew up with her and went to stay with her everyday instead of being sent to daycare or having a nanny when she was 0-4. My DD is 14 and she did not cry when I told her about the death. Today she told me that she is not going to the wake on Wednesday. DD said that she does not want to go to see her great grandmother's dead body. She has written a speech for the funeral so I'm pretty sure she is going to go. I think she is being petty and rude for not attending the wake. My sister thinks that I am being ridiculous. Do I have a right to be annoyed at my DD's disrespect?

Op you need a book on death for yourself. We all grieve in different ways.

[Anonymous]

I do NOT think your daughter is being disrespectful. Everyone grieves in their own way.

[Anonymous]

Give her a break. Just because she isn't following your script doesn't mean she isn't mourning.

[Anonymous]

I do not cry in public. I've always been the rock of my family because of this. However, this does not reflect how I act privately or how I feel on the inside. Your DD may not want to go to the wake for many reasons. The last of which I think is to be disrespectful. Instead of being annoyed or mad at her, try to have a conversation to get to the bottom of how she's feeling.

[Anonymous]

People grieve, and express their grief, in all kinds of ways. YOU are being deeply disrespectful of your daughter by judging her grieving as not up to your standards.
Maybe your daughter wants to remember her beloved g'grandmom alive and vibrant, not as a corpse. Maybe she is just terrified of seeing a corpse. Who knows. If you think others in the family would be very hurt by her absence, you could very gently ask if she would want to go but stay away from the casket and just greet the family before going.

[Anonymous]

She is not being disrespectful. YOU are being rude and disrespectful to your DD's feelings. Step back and allow her to grieve her own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other day we lost her great grandmother (my grandmother in law). She grew up with her and went to stay with her everyday instead of being sent to daycare or having a nanny when she was 0-4. My DD is 14 and she did not cry when I told her about the death. Today she told me that she is not going to the wake on Wednesday. DD said that she does not want to go to see her great grandmother's dead body. She has written a speech for the funeral so I'm pretty sure she is going to go. I think she is being petty and rude for not attending the wake. My sister thinks that I am being ridiculous. Do I have a right to be annoyed at my DD's disrespect?

I suspect that she is simply very upset and doesn't know how to deal with her feelings. Talk to her and ask her if she wants to cry. She's 14, puberty, death of someone she dearlyoved. I think she is just heartbroken.

[Anonymous]

OP here, she has seen bodies on TV. She watches horror movies like there is no tomorrow, which is why I dont buy the whole "Its too much to handle". She knows that people die. She isnt 2. I guess I just wish she would grow up and show some respect for her family at this tough time.

[Anonymous]

Is there some in-law tension at play here? ie, you are concerned that your in-laws will be offended by DD's absence, and in turn blame her behavior on you/think you have alienated your kids from their side of the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she has seen bodies on TV. She watches horror movies like there is no tomorrow, which is why I dont buy the whole "Its too much to handle". She knows that people die. She isnt 2. I guess I just wish she would grow up and show some respect for her family at this tough time.

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