spouse thinks a 2nd kid will ruin marriage but i don't. what to do?

[Anonymous]

My husband feels the same. I'm sort of there, but vacillate back and forth. Financially, with only having one child, we can afford to do better schools, vacations-but with two, our lifestyle would be impacted. I thought the first year, I guess we both did, was very tough to get through, but we did it, and are closer because of it. But having said that, I'm not sure I want to go through it all over again. I respect my husband's decision and wouldn't do anything sneaky

My greatest fear is that something will happen to my precious son, and I'll be childless, but that's not a good enough reason for me to have a second. One works great for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. well i know this is going to make me sound insensitive again, but everyone who knows my spouse--friends co workers bosses etc -- would back me up in saying he tends to be a little over the top and his outlook in general is not very positive. He is rarely happy in the present (except with our daugther) and is always nostalgic or regretful of the past (how he spent college, what he bought at the store yesterday, etc). and i don't want to give the impression that he doesn't want more than one child. some guys just don't want another one. with him, it's more that he doesn't think we would handle it that well. if he thought we could -- emotionally financially logistically-- then he would be all for it. we were in agreement about no. 1 partly because we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into. but now that we do sort of (our kid was colicky for 8 months and still doesn't sleep or eat great) i think there's more apprehension.

You've stated the best reasons to back off of the second child right now and work together toward a happier husband. He's having a tough time and is telling you as much. Life as a parent of one child is as much as he says that he can handle right now. You seem to be taking his concerns lightly, and saying that they are less legitimate than your desires. Would you want your husband to pressure you into having a child that you didn't feel you could handle? If you thought that it would strain your relationship, would you want him to say that you were wrong?

In fact, your relationship already seems to have a major challenge, namely that you are responding to his concerns by minimizing them, and are willing to risk the marriage in order to get what you want--now. If he says that the marriage is at risk, it is. And if you respond to his statement-- however exagerrated you think it is-- by trying to persuade him to do it anyway, you are implicitly telling him that you don't mind risking the marriage.

From my own experience: my EX-HUSBAND started pestering me for a second child while I was in recovery from my emergency C-section, and our newborn was having her chest squeezed due to fluid. I had not held her yet, and I was very uncomfortable. He had also just informed me that he wasn't' taking parental leave. "Maybe it's not the best time to ask, but when can we have another."

"It's not the best time. I'm in pain. Let's talk about something else."

"Yes, but I want to."

Note: EX-HUSBAND.

Extreme case, but I see what you're saying as similar. He's in pain. He feels overburdened. His life is not yet what he wants it to be. And you are telling him that he needs to add another mouth to feed, another college tuition, another round of sleep deprivation, and a lifetime of responsibility to another human being. All with a spouse who doesn't think that his problems need to be taken seriously. I refused to bear more children with a man who didn't take my needs seriously, and I'm glad that I made that choice.

No one should have to bring more children into the world than they feel they can handle. Reproductive choice applies to fathers, too. It's not just post-conception. It's about families making choices together about what's best for them.