spouse thinks a 2nd kid will ruin marriage but i don't. what to do?

[Anonymous]

we've been married four years and together nearly 10. we have a 19 month old who was a tough infant but is now wonderful. we argued a lot more after she was born. while we argue less now, we still argue more than we did before she was born. we just have more to argue about! such as whether to move to a new house, whether to change jobs so we can spend more time with our child, and whether to have another one, etc. i am leaning toward having another one. but my husband thinks our marriage won't be able to survive it. i disagree. talking to other married friends, our situation sounds ordinary and will likely get better as our daughter gets older. but he seems to think things are terrible because they are worse than before we had a kid.

i'm sure if we had another one, he wouldn't regret it. he's a wonderful father and generally a wonderful spouse. he shares equally in all the house work and child care. the only thing that drives me crazy is he tends to be sort of negative and thinks things are hopeless right away.

i'm not sure what to do because i don't want to hector him about kid #2. and if i say things aren't as bad as he thinks, he says i'm just ignoring his feelings. any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

It does sound (to me - an outside observer) like you are ignoring his feelings. And this is coming from someone in a couple who desperately wants #2, but my husband does not (for different reasons than your husband).

What about going to a marriage counselor and talking this out a bit?

[Anonymous]

op here. i've suggested that but he's not into counselors. i hear what you are saying. any kind of conflict bothers him more than it does me. but i feel like it's unrealistic to think we're never going to disagree. and then what do we do when we do disagree if we can't ever argue?

[Anonymous]

Things are likely to get better as your child gets older, but if you have a second, they may get worse--maybe even much worse--before they get better. If your husband is already this concerned, I would take his fears very seriously. Talk to him about exactly what he's afraid of, how you might handle different situations, and most important, what kind of help you could get once you have a second. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and the only time the word "divorce" ever came up between us was in the 18 months after the birth of our second child. I don't regret the decision to have a second (which he fully supported), but I wish we had been better prepared.

[Anonymous]

Don't have another kid. Doesn't sound like you guys know how to communicate. You can't tell him how he's going to feel about a 2nd child because you don't know. Only he does. And he told you he doesn't want one. Leave it be and work on improving what you do have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here. i've suggested that but he's not into counselors. i hear what you are saying. any kind of conflict bothers him more than it does me. but i feel like it's unrealistic to think we're never going to disagree. and then what do we do when we do disagree if we can't ever argue?

12:38 poster here. I agree, it is unrealistic to think that you will never disagree. But, the disagreements are bothering him a lot more than they are bothering you. So much so, in fact, that he feels your marriage could be at risk. It sounds like more/better communication between the two of you is key before any additional kids. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow. some really sobering comments. Much appreciated. thanks for taking the time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things are likely to get better as your child gets older, but if you have a second, they may get worse--maybe even much worse--before they get better. If your husband is already this concerned, I would take his fears very seriously. Talk to him about exactly what he's afraid of, how you might handle different situations, and most important, what kind of help you could get once you have a second. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and the only time the word "divorce" ever came up between us was in the 18 months after the birth of our second child. I don't regret the decision to have a second (which he fully supported), but I wish we had been better prepared.

I totally agree with this. My husband and I have been together for almost 14 years, married for 6. We both willingly had a second child last year and he is now 15 months old. Both of our kids have been relatively easy so far (no health issues, not colicky, relatively even tempered), but my DH and I have never fought so much in the time since our second was born. It is a combination of sleep deprivation, very little time for ourselves individually and as a couple, financial pressures, and other things. I think your husband is smart for thinking about all of this before you have another. I am not saying you shouldn't have a second child, but his feelings are valid and if you don't acknowledge them, he might end up resentful. Talk about how you will deal with the stress of a second and make sure you are on the same page. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

some really good advice here (and no mean mommie! yay!)

i just want to add that my husband and i, married for 7 years and together for 9, have a 13-month old and i think we have fought more this past year than in the past 9 combined. we totally love each other and communicate pretty well. we are on the same page (i.e., neither of us wants another baby), but the stress and sleep deprivation of the past year has really done a number on us. some uglies have been exchanged! i once heard that childless couples were the happiest people alive. i believe it (even though i wouldn't go back for anything. our baby is the coolest thing ever!)

[Anonymous]

Having a second child put much more strain on our marriage than the first baby. My husband wanted the second baby, but after the birth I could tell he was really put out by the extra time it required and he didn't handle the changes or stress nearly as well as the first baby. Our second is 4 and I think he has only in the last year really started to like having the second child.

I'd really listen to your husband. Maybe you could agree to re-visit the topic in 6 months. Six months can make a huge difference in the life of a toddler!

[Anonymous]

I would NOT rush into having a second child, especially if your husband thinks things are already strained. I read somewhere that one of the most common times to get divorced is in the first four years after the birth of a second child. I recall that the numbers were pretty overwhelming.

The reason that stuck in my mind is that my own marriage has barely survived having a second. The word divorce used to come up A LOT. Our second is now three. Even though it now looks like our marriage will survive, I am not at all convinced that it was not permanently damaged. And we've done tons of counseling...

[Anonymous]

Wow--I'm totally surprised by some of these responses. I'm not surprised by those that say or imply that you both have to be in it for it to work. Of course--if one parent isn't ready for or doesn't want a second child, that's the end of it. Not that you can't revisit the idea later, but you both need to be on board.

I'm just surprised at the emphasis on "second" child. In our house, the first child changed everything. The second made things a little bit more difficult logistically for a while, but I don't think it added to any arguments, or anything like that. Obviously, if finances are a big issue, that's totally different. But other than that...I guess I just don't get it. I could see though, that the timing of the second could make it appear that it is the second child puts on the extra strain. Mine are 19 months apart--but #1 hit the terrible two's early. So, we certainly had frustrations and stress dealing with that. But for us anyway, it had nothing to do with the second child; it was just the age of the first that presented the typical challenges. Maybe we were just lucky!

[Anonymous]

I found that with two, it was much harder for anyone to get a break. Also, a huge factor for us was that both children were lousy sleepers. I did not get more than four hours of interrupted sleep, other than on a handful of occasions, for more than five years.

[Anonymous]

Wow - this is a very candid, informative thread. Sobering, but good to know as we prepare for our first, thinking everything is sunshine now ... [BRACING]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow--I'm totally surprised by some of these responses. I'm not surprised by those that say or imply that you both have to be in it for it to work. Of course--if one parent isn't ready for or doesn't want a second child, that's the end of it. Not that you can't revisit the idea later, but you both need to be on board.

I'm just surprised at the emphasis on "second" child. In our house, the first child changed everything. The second made things a little bit more difficult logistically for a while, but I don't think it added to any arguments, or anything like that. Obviously, if finances are a big issue, that's totally different. But other than that...I guess I just don't get it. I could see though, that the timing of the second could make it appear that it is the second child puts on the extra strain. Mine are 19 months apart--but #1 hit the terrible two's early. So, we certainly had frustrations and stress dealing with that. But for us anyway, it had nothing to do with the second child; it was just the age of the first that presented the typical challenges. Maybe we were just lucky!

I am one of the pps who said our marriage has really been strained since having our 2nd child. I think for us, it is just because we are so much busier with 2 (our kids are 3 and 1). And it is harder for one of us to take both kids out so the other parent can rest. If we only had one, it would be much easier to do that, and each of us would have much more time to relax, have some "me" time, run errands, etc. We do get babysitters a couple times a month, but I just always feel like we are go, go, go especially on the weekends. I guess I compare our lives to good friends of ours who have only one child (he is 2). While I am sure they have their challenges with him, it is so much easier for one of them to take their son out for a few hours while the other naps, cleans, etc. I think my husband also feels a lot more stress because he feels he has to provide for his family and feels the pressure of doing that. So, for us, I think a lot of the strain has just been the lack of "me/us time" since we have had our second. I do think/hope that as our kids get older it will get slightly easier.