Forum Index
»
Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
spouse thinks a 2nd kid will ruin marriage but i don't. what to do?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
PP here again. Thanks to all the others who have posted that their marriages, too, have suffered with two kids. Although it is not a happy subject, it makes me feel better to know that my DH and I are not alone. And it makes me feel better to know that things do get better and that most with older kids have gotten through it! 
|
Anonymous
| OP you need to see a counselor now. If your husband thinks your marriage will "not survive" # 2, it will not survive any major stress. He is seeing something you aren't. He does not sound happy at all with the marriage. It is one thing to say it will cause stress, but to say it will destroy the marriage? No one would I have another child with this man until I knew he was in it for the long all. Children add stress, they also add love, fun, laughter...he needs to be able to see both sides of children. Maybe he needs a wake up call. Sounds like he is not appreciating his family to me. If you want children (more) and he doesn't simply because he can not handle the stress, that would be hard for me to swallow. |
Anonymous
GEEZ! Overreact much? You are reading *tons* into what the OP wrote. Good grief. |
Anonymous
| OP here. well i know this is going to make me sound insensitive again, but everyone who knows my spouse--friends co workers bosses etc -- would back me up in saying he tends to be a little over the top and his outlook in general is not very positive. He is rarely happy in the present (except with our daugther) and is always nostalgic or regretful of the past (how he spent college, what he bought at the store yesterday, etc). and i don't want to give the impression that he doesn't want more than one child. some guys just don't want another one. with him, it's more that he doesn't think we would handle it that well. if he thought we could -- emotionally financially logistically-- then he would be all for it. we were in agreement about no. 1 partly because we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into. but now that we do sort of (our kid was colicky for 8 months and still doesn't sleep or eat great) i think there's more apprehension. |
Anonymous
|
My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 7. Our daughter had significant health problems (she is how almost 4) which surprisingly brought us closer and only after she got better did we go through a tough patch. My son is now 6 months and there is no question that these last 6 months have been the most difficult in our relationship - far more difficult than having a daughter in the hospital for 3 months. Lack of sleep, resentment that each one isn't pulling equal wait and trying to remain fun and energetic for a 2 year old definitely took its toll on us. There is a real reason people have only one child - two is much more than twice the work. Even if I got up all night with the baby, my husband would still wake to his cries (in another room, but a small house) so it wasn't like he slept great.
Anyway, I agree that you should take some time, at least 6 months, before raising it again. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| OP, sounds to me like your husband needs counseling and maybe anti-depressants. I'm depressive myself and can say that ADs are saving our marriage. I'd also suggest that having kids further apart makes it much easier. Ours are 3 years apart which means that our older is somewhat self-sufficient so it is not as overwhelming. |
Anonymous
I'd be nervous about having a 2nd even if he theoretically wants one, but thinks it would be too hard. When things get tough is he going to blame you and say "I told you so?" |
Anonymous
| New poster here just reading all these responses. Geez. We have one now - 2.5 years old - and have been on the fence for quite a while whether to have another. We are both really nervous about it but recently have started to come around that it will be worth it to us to face short term pain for long term family gain (which is kind of how we look at it). However, I have to say that this thread is scaring the sh*t out of me and making me rethink whether we (and our marriage) can handle two or not. Yikes. |
Anonymous
| Scared PP again here - I forgot to say that OP, I do think that you shouldn't brush off your husband's concerns. Maybe they seem trivial to you, but that doesn't really matter because clearly they are a big deal to him. It seems critical to me that you are both fully on board with having a second otherwise you are really asking for huge trouble. |
Anonymous
| I am scared reading this as well! I thought the first would be the hardest since it is such a huge change/transition. Anyone out there who thinks having a second wasn't bad? |
Anonymous
| Scared PP. I've heard some people say that the second wasn't as bad as having the first in terms of life changes because they knew what to expect - but much more often I've heard that one plus one does not equal two when it comes to kids and that having two was much harder than the first. I always thought that the decision to have our first child would be the hardest, but the decision about whether or not to go for #2 has been much harder for us. That said, I would also welcome some happier stories if they are out there! |
Anonymous
Scared PP, for all the stress and struggle my DH and I have gone through over the past 15 months since our 2nd son was born, I would not trade it for anything. My kids are starting to interact more and more now and love each other so much. Just today my nanny told me that when she went to pick up my older son at preschool, his little brother walked right up to him, put his arms around him, and laid his head on his shoulder. I am the one who wrote about seeing my friends who only have one and how it must be so easy for them. But at the same time, I also feel a little bad for their son because they are not planning on having any more children. I am an only child and though I never felt lonely growing up, I do wish I had a sibling now that my parents are getting older. So, yes it is hard, but it will all be worth it in the end and as long as my husband and I keep working through our issues and communicating, I think we will be OK! Good luck with whatever you decide!
|
Anonymous
OP, in some ways you are undermining your spouse with this particular post. Your husband has been clear with you: He doesn't think your marriage will survive another child. As a therapist who works with couples sometimes, I recommend that you stop thinking about a second child and do some work on the relationship. Right now you're trying to rationalize things, saying "if he thought we could emotionally, financially, logistically, he'd be all for it." Well, those are the reasons people don't have another child. They're not small things. Put your marriage first. |
Anonymous
| This is a sobering post and I respect what others have offered....but I must say as a Mommy of a 22 month and 3 year old...its hard, my husband and I have fought A TON, we surived building (and selling!) a house during this market and while kids were both so young, surivived acid reflux (awful), no sleep, uninvolved grandparents, overinvolved grandparents, jealous friends.......but we have these two absolutley strikingly gorgeous, caring, lovely, endearing children. And they love us. And they need us. And they make our lives better. Much better. So...I think the OP should ready all of this carefully, but only you know your true relationship with your husband, its strengths, limitations and desires. You should sit down and talk about it very seriously before you decide anything. Some of these posts are informative but remember we are strangers and you and your husband (hopefully) are not. |
Anonymous
| Your husband is depressed, sounds like he needs help to see the bright side of things. You are a great person to be able to deal with that. I divorce my first husband because his negative, pesimistic views were too hard for me to deal with. Remarried, two kids, the second was easier than the first, we already knew what we were getting into. good luck |