SAHM -Being a role model for daughters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My favorite is the SAHMs that work so hard to send their daughters to fancy schools, worry about their intellectual development etc. Why, so they can end their intellectual lives when their kids are born?

Yes, it's a valid concern.

I'm a SAHM with multiple degrees from ivy league schools and treasure my education and intellect. I get great joy and satisfaction out of learning, and the degrees have made it much easier for me to take time off while remaining much more employable than others if I decide to go back to work. And I certainly don't assume that my children will have the same aspirations, circumstances, and opportunities that I have, though I do hope they each find a passion to follow. What about that makes it your "favorite"?

[Anonymous]

I haven't read any comments, but I wanted to say that, in a way, I think you should be proud that your daughters see the choice you've made as an attractive, appealing way of life. My mom left her career and never went back when she had kids, and I grew up determined never to do the same - in my case, SAH seemed like the last thing I would ever want to do, for many reasons. So you must be presenting motherhood and marriage and home life as a very positive, empowering experience, and I think you should be proud. Unless your daughters see SAH as some kind of gravy train, pampered lifestyle that they can't wait to fall into, in which case, ugh.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really, really don't need to worry about this. It's so common to hear this at this age.

What this means is, we love you and we like our home life, and our baby brother is adorable. We're having a great childhood.

Nothing to do with what they will think in a couple of years, let alone heading off to college.

My mom was a SAH and I went through the typical pattern of thinking she was the best ever, thinking she was pathetic and I never wanted to be the least bit like her and then gradually coming to understand that she was, in fact, super awesome and did precisely what she most wanted to do in spite of sometimes open contempt from other women with small ideas about life choices.

I'm a SAH, my daughter has also talked about SAH (along with a bevy of other life plans), and here's what I do: try to have a lot of neat women with a wide variety of life choices in my circle, talk openly about our lives with our kids around, and speak admiringly of my friends' abilities and the ways they've solved problems to get what they want. She knows women who have followed the typical path of achievement and have high-powered jobs, and she knows women who were teen mothers and are going back to school in their 30s (and kicking ass). She knows artists with young babies who work during naps, women with SAH partners, SAHs who are respected community organizers, professional women who are part time for family or pleasure, women who combine flexible well-paid work with running a nonprofit or volunteering. She knows very intelligent women who have lived partially or fully on public assistance, and a few who have chosen poverty for various reasons. She has heard me congratulate these friends on every micro and macro achievement under the sun, and has seen us share support and heard my friends talk about my work experience, abilities and future work. She's also, incidentally, seen that my SAH friends are not all as financially secure as they could be, and that some of the less educated SAHM are working for much less money in part-time jobs than the ones who built careers first.

What she will never hear me do is push WOH to the extent that she might suspect I'm denigrating SAH. That, I think, could backfire.

I'm trying to give her access to many realities, and not just see and know this variety of women, but hear their choices articulated. This is the part that was missing for me growing up - there was very little discussion of how women's complicated lives actually *worked.* I didn't enter one profession because it was so male-dominated and I had no examples or mentors for how to make it work with a family, which was a non-negotiable goal. Since then, I've met many women in that profession who forged a different path.

I want her to have the sense that there are an infinite number of choices, and tradeoffs with every choice, but every choice can be made to work if it grows organically out of the woman's strengths and honest self-understanding.

What's a reasonable, intelligent, and kind person like you doing here?

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM for a bit and recently went back to work. I used to cringe when my 4 YO started asking me why the "daddies" she saw in the grocery store during the day weren't working. She never asked about the "mommies." I've tried to maintain the mantra that anyone can be anything-- men can be preschool teachers and women can be firefighters, etc. Regardless, I think that the environment kids grow up in is the biggest influence on how they view gender roles. My mom was the breadwinner in our house and my Dad was home by 4:30 and made dinner every day. When I thought about my future, it literally never occurred to me that there were still people who stuck to traditional roles because they couldn't imagine life any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What's a reasonable, intelligent, and kind person like you doing here?

You're so kind, but I'm not that nice because now I want to punch the "end their intellectual lives when their children are born" poster in the face.

Twelve hours a day of tax law or media buying or even wonkery is no match for time to pursue any subject I like, go anywhere I want and cultivate interesting people.

[Anonymous]

I'd say: It's very, very, very important to be prepared for everything. You need to know how to care for children, if you want to be a parent. You might lose your job and have to be the one to stay at home while your spouse works: some people find that very hard to do, you know. AND you must, must, must be able to carry a job: every family needs a breadwinner. You might think that breadwinner will be your husband, but you never know what might happen. So you need to be able to carry a job, and while you're at it, you might as well enjoy it.

For now, you don't have any children and you can and should take this time to develop your interests, figure out your passion, and get ready for a profession. You never know: you might not find the man of your dreams. Or you might not have children. These are things you cannot control. What you DO know right now is that you're smart and you are capable of doing anything you put your mind to. So do that: be ready to run the world, if you have to. Being a single parent for whatever reason, should that happen you you, is super hard: get to work being ready for work!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 DDs in elementary school and an infant son. I had a professional life before children, but after 2nd DD was born decided to SAH. Recently, my young daughters have declared more than once, "When I grow up, I'm not going to work, I'm gonna get married and stay home with my children!" Yikes. This makes me cringe, even though its the choice I have made for now. They are young, but I've talked with them about college, about the importance of self reliance, about my life before my SAHM stint and the possibility of my going back someday. They reply with a sort of - "ok, I'll go to school, get a job, but only until I have kids, then I'm staying home."

I don't regret where I am, but I didn't go through life, school, college, graduate school, career with the mindset that it was just until I found a husband and had some kids! Any other SAHMs think about what kind of role models we are for our girls because we are not working outside of the home?

Your impulse is correct because you have basically stuck a thumb in the eye of the feminists of the 60s and made their work for financial equality for women in vain.

Feminism wasn't about getting more choices for women. It was about economic empowerment.

And, yes, your actions speak more loudly than any words. This is what they'll remember: You, at home. With them. They value that, why don't you?

[Anonymous]

Well, I have the opposite issue- I WOHM and I hate when my kids automatically assume that every mommy works (they are still young and in daycare, so most of their friends are daycare friends with working parents). It makes me sad, for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What's a reasonable, intelligent, and kind person like you doing here?

You're so kind, but I'm not that nice because now I want to punch the "end their intellectual lives when their children are born" poster in the face.

Twelve hours a day of tax law or media buying or even wonkery is no match for time to pursue any subject I like, go anywhere I want and cultivate interesting people.

Me me me! Hope your DH doesn't mind doing one of this things you're above in order to support you.

OP, yes, it's a valid thing to think about. If your kids see you happy, that's most important. But they need to see you independent, too. Especially if they're girls.

[Anonymous]

I can see why the kid's comment might have sounded grating to you, but we do model roles for our children for better and for worse. My mother modeled the role that it was important to be educated, then it was important to devote some years at home while your children are very young, and then it was important to get back in the workforce and resume that part of your life. My mother modeled that and I remember thinking as an adolescent girl that that was what I would do, and in fact that is what I have done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 DDs in elementary school and an infant son. I had a professional life before children, but after 2nd DD was born decided to SAH. Recently, my young daughters have declared more than once, "When I grow up, I'm not going to work, I'm gonna get married and stay home with my children!" Yikes. This makes me cringe, even though its the choice I have made for now. They are young, but I've talked with them about college, about the importance of self reliance, about my life before my SAHM stint and the possibility of my going back someday. They reply with a sort of - "ok, I'll go to school, get a job, but only until I have kids, then I'm staying home."

I don't regret where I am, but I didn't go through life, school, college, graduate school, career with the mindset that it was just until I found a husband and had some kids! Any other SAHMs think about what kind of role models we are for our girls because we are not working outside of the home?

Your impulse is correct because you have basically stuck a thumb in the eye of the feminists of the 60s and made their work for financial equality for women in vain.

Feminism wasn't about getting more choices for women. It was about economic empowerment.

And, yes, your actions speak more loudly than any words. This is what they'll remember: You, at home. With them. They value that, why don't you?

You must be having a bad day. Feminism is about choice; it didn't, and doesn't, mean that every woman should work every day of their lives. Besides, economic empowerment means that some women would have to forgo their career passion, if it didn't pay the caregivers? Your action of denigrating women will make your daughters hate you, and your sons hate women. Be careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally get what you're saying. While it is one CHOICE they can make, saying "I'm never going to work" is not okay. I would stress to them that staying at home IS work and that there are lots of other ways to work too. You treating it as a job will help them to see that while it is a job, there are many others out there as well.

+1000
and remember..they are little kids
next week one of them will want to be princess and the pea...it is constantly changing
what needs to be consistent is that you are modeling that you MADE A CHOICE..one of many and that at different points in our lives we make new and different choices...
and as pp said...emphasis that what you are doing is WORK...
if you hired a nanny or used other childcare...the people employed there would consider it work...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: hi there, troll.

Yes, who's kids speak like this?

Anonymous wrote: Recently, my young daughters have declared more than once, "When I grow up, I'm not going to work, I'm gonna get married and stay home with my children!" Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Well - my mom was a SAH and went back to work when I was in high school (older brothers were in high school/college). She quit her job when she became pregnant with my oldest brother, and at that point was working in management/public administration in another country. She immigrated, and due in part to time out of the workforce and transferability of skills to another country (or lack thereof) she took a blue collar job, which she still holds today. She has some regrets about her professional life; she said that she wishes that she had trained in something back home that would have been more lucrative here, like nursing, for example.

Honestly, my mom being a SAH never really factored into what my plans/goals for myself were, except that she and my dad were both supportive of my interests and ambitions. She did what was best for her family, and encourages me to do the same - do what I need to do to be the best (and happiest) mom/wife I can be. I went to law school and work full time as a tax attorney (oh, the horror! ) I've found a good balance that works for me and my family. She couldn't be more proud.

That being said, if my daughter said something like "I am NEVER going to stay at home with my kids, and I am ONLY going to work!" I would gently remind her that we all make different decisions depending on our family situations, and that she may be surprised by her circumstances and the choices she makes.

[Anonymous]

When I was younger and until I had children, I did look down at stay at home moms. I always thought that they were either lazy or not very good at their careers. I now think they are superwomen.

When I was growing up, I had female friends who were not very career oriented and did indeed just want to get married and have children. Most of those girls did not especially enjoy school. Some of those girls got married young and did start families earlier. Some of the other girls are still trying to settle down. They want these successful handsome men but those men don't necessarily want the girl who just wants to get married and have kids.