SAHM -Being a role model for daughters

[Anonymous]

I've been on DCUM for a few years now and I've noticed that most WOHM troll posts bashing SAHMs usually appear in the early afternoon like this one. Nice try OP.

- Working Dad

[Anonymous]

My mom was a SAHM. She volunteered all the time, established a reading program for my elementary school, and was a great example for me. When I was little I used to say the same things as your daughter. My parents encouraged education and community involvement my whole life. I am currently working on my MSN. (I'm 26) and my 29 year old sister went to an ivy, had an MBA and has her CFA done.

Both my parents shaped me into who I am today.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I hate to admit this, but I actually had the opposite experience. My mom is a SAHM and is now a Stay at home Wife even though there's no kids left in the house. When I was little, I appreciated her being there, but remember feeling some disdain towards my mother by the time I hit middle school. I feel bad about it now, but for years I felt like our lives could have been better (financially - I know, what a shallow teen I was) if she'd at least worked part time, especially once we were older. Now that I'm a SAHM, I'm worried that Karma will come back to bite me. I'm actually worried that my children won't respect me . . . I feel like I have to go back to work by the time they start school, and I'm not looking forward to it. It's going to be hard to have the energy to cook, clean, and play with my kids, and take them to their activities and still work full time. I know some moms do a great job at this - I just don't know how they do it! I wish I had been less judgmental of my mother. I hope that my children value the time and quality of life that I'm giving them now while I stay at home more than I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here. I would not be disappointed in my daughters if they ultimately decided to SAH. I just don't like the idea of ruling everything out EXCEPT SAH - or of thinking that education/work is only until a man and kids comes along.

I like 14:25 comments, thanks, I agree.

DDs are young and will likely change their minds a million times, I know. I just want to make sure I model for them that they can be anything.

Every daughter goes through a phase of wanting to be just like mommy. That's all this is. No need to cringe. No need for any sahm/wohm justifications. These daughters will find their own way. More power to them.

[Anonymous]

WOHM here. My husband is a stay at home dad. I think he is an awesome role model to both our daughter and son. Staying at home with the kids is a job, one that has many, many rewards. Having him stay at home is invaluable. I encourage you not to see it in "gender role" terms and realize that a stay at home parent is an equal and very important role.

[Anonymous]

You really, really don't need to worry about this. It's so common to hear this at this age.

What this means is, we love you and we like our home life, and our baby brother is adorable. We're having a great childhood.

Nothing to do with what they will think in a couple of years, let alone heading off to college.

My mom was a SAH and I went through the typical pattern of thinking she was the best ever, thinking she was pathetic and I never wanted to be the least bit like her and then gradually coming to understand that she was, in fact, super awesome and did precisely what she most wanted to do in spite of sometimes open contempt from other women with small ideas about life choices.

I'm a SAH, my daughter has also talked about SAH (along with a bevy of other life plans), and here's what I do: try to have a lot of neat women with a wide variety of life choices in my circle, talk openly about our lives with our kids around, and speak admiringly of my friends' abilities and the ways they've solved problems to get what they want. She knows women who have followed the typical path of achievement and have high-powered jobs, and she knows women who were teen mothers and are going back to school in their 30s (and kicking ass). She knows artists with young babies who work during naps, women with SAH partners, SAHs who are respected community organizers, professional women who are part time for family or pleasure, women who combine flexible well-paid work with running a nonprofit or volunteering. She knows very intelligent women who have lived partially or fully on public assistance, and a few who have chosen poverty for various reasons. She has heard me congratulate these friends on every micro and macro achievement under the sun, and has seen us share support and heard my friends talk about my work experience, abilities and future work. She's also, incidentally, seen that my SAH friends are not all as financially secure as they could be, and that some of the less educated SAHM are working for much less money in part-time jobs than the ones who built careers first.

What she will never hear me do is push WOH to the extent that she might suspect I'm denigrating SAH. That, I think, could backfire.

I'm trying to give her access to many realities, and not just see and know this variety of women, but hear their choices articulated. This is the part that was missing for me growing up - there was very little discussion of how women's complicated lives actually *worked.* I didn't enter one profession because it was so male-dominated and I had no examples or mentors for how to make it work with a family, which was a non-negotiable goal. Since then, I've met many women in that profession who forged a different path.

I want her to have the sense that there are an infinite number of choices, and tradeoffs with every choice, but every choice can be made to work if it grows organically out of the woman's strengths and honest self-understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: hi there, troll.

I don't understand why so many people think this is a troll post. I'm not the OP, but as a FTM mom to an infant daughter (still on maternity leave but plan to go back to work very soon) I completely understand where she's coming from. I think that if I decided to stay home in the future (which might happen if we have a second kid) I would probably feel the same way. Can you explain why you don't think a woman could legitimately feel conflicted about this?

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. I have similar fears about my sons and what role they expect the woman in their life to play.

One key is that my mom and dad failed to take the clear position that my mom's contribution was equally important. You both have to make that clear to your children.

People who think OP is a troll are living in a dream world where all the tensions about women's place at home and work have been magically seamlessly resolved.

[Anonymous]

It's a troll post because its highly doubtful her kids would say what she's quoting. Most kids love to talk about what they want to be when they grow up and think working looks fun. I, too, call BS!

[Anonymous]

I just want my children to be happy and contributing members of society. There are so many different ways to accomplish that. All are valid choices and all can be great choices if that is what works best for each person and family.

[Anonymous]

My favorite is the SAHMs that work so hard to send their daughters to fancy schools, worry about their intellectual development etc. Why, so they can end their intellectual lives when their kids are born?

Yes, it's a valid concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a troll post because its highly doubtful her kids would say what she's quoting. Most kids love to talk about what they want to be when they grow up and think working looks fun. I, too, call BS!

Interesting. I'm the PP who asked why people thought she was a troll. My DD is a baby and I don't know much about older children, so I didn't realize that the quotes didn't ring true. Still, I think this is a valid topic for discussion and the replies have been interesting and mostly thoughtful. So I guess I don't care whether it's a troll post or not, it still has a place on this forum.

[Anonymous]

I would feel proud if my kids (daughters and sons) said they wanted to get married, and stay at home and take care of their kids . That being said, I will absolutely be a hard-ass about education and getting into a good college. I am a SAHM with a master's degree. I never had anything set in stone for my future, I liked being able to make choices, what a luxury! I hope my kids will be able to make choices too.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP here. I appreciate the 'real' responses to my 'real' post. Don't know what the BS callers find so hard to believe. My daughters actually do say what I quoted.

Glad there are others who understand where I am coming from.

[Anonymous]

I think all kids go through a stage where they want to be just like their parents. My poor son wants to work for the Postal Service (because I do). Take it as a complement that they think you are a great mom and a great person.

And while I understand you don't want your children to aim for "I must find a husband and be his wife and mother his children," being a SAHM is a great, admirable thing. The irony is that most of the women I went to college with who were totally career oriented became either SAHM or gave up their high paid career to work part-time to spend time with their kids. And most of the women I went to college with that were husband hunting to become SAHM, ended up having careers.