SAHM -Being a role model for daughters

[Anonymous]

I have 2 DDs in elementary school and an infant son. I had a professional life before children, but after 2nd DD was born decided to SAH. Recently, my young daughters have declared more than once, "When I grow up, I'm not going to work, I'm gonna get married and stay home with my children!" Yikes. This makes me cringe, even though its the choice I have made for now. They are young, but I've talked with them about college, about the importance of self reliance, about my life before my SAHM stint and the possibility of my going back someday. They reply with a sort of - "ok, I'll go to school, get a job, but only until I have kids, then I'm staying home."

I don't regret where I am, but I didn't go through life, school, college, graduate school, career with the mindset that it was just until I found a husband and had some kids! Any other SAHMs think about what kind of role models we are for our girls because we are not working outside of the home?

[Anonymous]

Why does it make you cringe? You've clearly decided it's what's right for you. Why does it bother you that your daughters think it might be right for them?

[Anonymous]

I totally get what you're saying. While it is one CHOICE they can make, saying "I'm never going to work" is not okay. I would stress to them that staying at home IS work and that there are lots of other ways to work too. You treating it as a job will help them to see that while it is a job, there are many others out there as well.

[Anonymous]

Another thought: all my friends who proactively sought husbands with the earning potential to allow them to be SAHMs in million dollar homes successfully accomplished this task in undergrad or law school...so perhaps it is a valid career option and long term goal?

[Anonymous]

I stayed at home with my kids. Now that they are older, I am working again. I never really felt the need to justify my decision to my kids. My choices reflected my priorities at different stages of my life. When my kids were very young, my focus was mostly on my husband and my kids. I volunteered in limited ways at our church, in our community, and in the kids' schools. As they got older, I was willing to give more time to outside interests. I volunteered more often and worked on larger projects. I went back to work part-time. I spent more time at the gym and with my friends. Now that three of them are away at college and the two remaining at home are older, I'm finding I have a little more time. I am still very selective about the way I use my time. I work at home and control my own schedule. I am able to say yes to more outside work because my children aren't making as many demands on my time. But at the same time, I am home when my teenagers get home from school or after-school activities and I am home all the school days off so I know where they are, what they are doing, and whom they are with.

I think I've been a pretty good role model. My older daughter is on her way to med school. She has no intention of being a stay-at-home mother. At least not any time soon. Being a good role model doesn't require that you work full time. A mother who is a good role model works to make sure her daughters know that they have choices.

[Anonymous]

I have SAHM friends with middle school and H.S. girls and I thought this would be a question coming from that angle. When the girls get older, you may well get some disdain from them. It's not uncommon for them to give you a snotty "what do you do all day" attitude. I say this only because things change as the girls grow, they'll almost certianly develop their own aspirations no matter what your choices are. If you're cringing now, you might really be cringing then.

However, I think it's good to explain to them that marriage is a partnership and why you staying home works for your partnership. Also explain that other couples divide responsibilities differently. My kids know this because they have friends who mom's don't work at all, work full time, and work part-time, and one with a SAHD. While you are an important model, you're not the only one. Just be sure you're non-judgmental about what works for other families and they'll the message that there are many options.

[Anonymous]

hi there, troll.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting OP. Im currently pregnant with my first, a daughter, and I wonder/worry about the right example to set for her. I could stay home and part of me would like to for at least a year but Im worried about never being able to get back into the job market at the level Im at now after taking a break. Which leads me to really worry about not setting a professional working example to my daughter as she gets older. My own mom worked part time my entire life and still to to this day complains about how stressed and tired she is and how if she had more money she would have been able to divorce my dad (long story)...and honestly I respect her less for NOT making the decision to seek fulltime work when we were younger so she could have had more financial independence and options. I guess its an ongoing struggle for women that never ends on how our choices are perceived by our children.

[Anonymous]

I have special needs kids (low immunity and mental health issues) and I always need to be available because I need to do all the doctors and therapy appointments. Plus we never know when there will be a hospitalization. DH made a suggestion that I should go back to work and said that was fine if he did half of the house work and doctors appointments as well as half the sick days (both kids missed 30--yes, 30-- days of school last year). He said "Never mind".

Anyway, DD sometimes wants to be a SAHM and other times says she wants to be a vet. She's 8 and has no idea what her future will bring. If she's a SAHM or a fire dancer, I don't care, as long as she's happy.

[Anonymous]

Myself and a lot of my mom friends thought we'd stay home too, and we didn't for all the reasons anyone works: money, liked our jobs, afraid to get out of the workforce, benefits, it's hard to be a full time stay at home parent, and so on.

I think you are sending the right message in that it's important to be prepared for whatever life throws at you. I was raised by a SAHM who LOVED staying home but the message was always that I'd go to college, work, likely to go to grad school, and then either stay home or not. My mom eventually went back to PT work after staying home for 10 years. By the time your daughters are grown they probably will have seen you work in some capacity anyway.

Also important for your son, whether raised by a SAHM or not, to realize the challenges women face in this decision and that it's not a slam dunk that he will have a SAHM wife or a working mom wife. Lots of complexities in these decisions sometimes. And for some women of course it's not complex: they don't make enough to work, or their HHI isn't enough without them working.

[Anonymous]

OP, here. I would not be disappointed in my daughters if they ultimately decided to SAH. I just don't like the idea of ruling everything out EXCEPT SAH - or of thinking that education/work is only until a man and kids comes along.

I like 14:25 comments, thanks, I agree.

DDs are young and will likely change their minds a million times, I know. I just want to make sure I model for them that they can be anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for posting OP. Im currently pregnant with my first, a daughter, and I wonder/worry about the right example to set for her. I could stay home and part of me would like to for at least a year but Im worried about never being able to get back into the job market at the level Im at now after taking a break. Which leads me to really worry about not setting a professional working example to my daughter as she gets older. My own mom worked part time my entire life and still to to this day complains about how stressed and tired she is and how if she had more money she would have been able to divorce my dad (long story)...and honestly I respect her less for NOT making the decision to seek fulltime work when we were younger so she could have had more financial independence and options. I guess its an ongoing struggle for women that never ends on how our choices are perceived by our children.

I had a mom that went back to work when I was in K. She started working part-time and switched to full time later on. The reason my mother went full time was so that she could save money and obtain health insurance so she could leave my dad. They worked things out and she kept working full time. I had older siblings that were in charge when my parents were working and they were great but I would have much rather had my mom home. I was always so jealous of the kids who had moms who stayed home and baked cookies. Now, I SAH and my children never come home to freshly baked cookies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Myself and a lot of my mom friends thought we'd stay home too, and we didn't for all the reasons anyone works: money, liked our jobs, afraid to get out of the workforce, benefits, it's hard to be a full time stay at home parent, and so on.

I think you are sending the right message in that it's important to be prepared for whatever life throws at you. I was raised by a SAHM who LOVED staying home but the message was always that I'd go to college, work, likely to go to grad school, and then either stay home or not. My mom eventually went back to PT work after staying home for 10 years. By the time your daughters are grown they probably will have seen you work in some capacity anyway.

Also important for your son, whether raised by a SAHM or not, to realize the challenges women face in this decision and that it's not a slam dunk that he will have a SAHM wife or a working mom wife. Lots of complexities in these decisions sometimes. And for some women of course it's not complex: they don't make enough to work, or their HHI isn't enough without them working.

OP. Agree!

[Anonymous]

I must assume that this is a not-so-well disguised troll post. OP must be laughing in her cubicle.

[Anonymous]

It is all in the attitude you have. My mom was a SAHM mom and in no way did I or my sister ever think that we there fore had to do exactly what she did anymore than we thought we had to be a teacher because my dad was a teacher. I am guessing OP is a WOHM troll trying to bash SAHMs as I think this is a straw argument. When kids are little they often mimic their parents but as they grow older and think for themselves they are quite capable of exploring and considering options other than the exact two roles their parents have held. It also assumes that staying home is the bad option...