Is He Married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the friend isn't open to doing family-centered activities, then I can't see much beyond casual FWB for the two.

In which case, why be so hung up on him being married?

Go away, troll.

[Anonymous]

OK, I read the whole thing before posting. At first, I didn't really think much of it. Mini-van really means nothing. You mention the guy is in his mid-40s--he may be so used to driving a mini-van that it doesn't scream "married" or whatever to him anymore. How old are you and your friend? Just wondering. Also, if he borrowed it, whatever. Ex could be married again, or could have more than one car, the whole car thing isn't really worrisome at all. Here is what is:

Seven months into a relationship, and the first time he spent the night? That's a long time in.
Seven months in, and she still has never seen his house? Ever? Or met his kids?

I've been divorced, and while I understand taking it slow, and not introducing your kids to everyone you date, by six or seven months in, you're really not a casual fling. While he may not be comfortable having his kids meet her, it's the not spending the night at her house EVER or her EVER seeing his house that I think are huge red flags.

He's either married, or really not that interested in her. I'm going to guess married, unfortunately. It will be easy enough to look up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the friend isn't open to doing family-centered activities, then I can't see much beyond casual FWB for the two.

In which case, why be so hung up on him being married?

OP here. My friend, who's in her early 40s, is not interested in being a mistress, f-buddy, etc. She's one of those people who never thought she'd reach 30 -- let alone 40 -- before getting married. She's now acting like this guy may be the "one" but some of the things she's said about him (including borrowing his "ex-wife's minivan") makes me think that he's already/still taken. So I guess I'm hung up on him being married because I know what my friend is looking for (and what she thinks she's found): a husband of her own.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you know his full name, a little intelius search should give you some records. The question is whether you want to pay for it, and what you do with the info if you find out he's married. It's a hard call. Most people will say she's got to find out one way or another on her own, but I know it would kill me to see a good friend of mine get used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the friend isn't open to doing family-centered activities, then I can't see much beyond casual FWB for the two.

In which case, why be so hung up on him being married?

OP here. My friend, who's in her early 40s, is not interested in being a mistress, f-buddy, etc. She's one of those people who never thought she'd reach 30 -- let alone 40 -- before getting married. She's now acting like this guy may be the "one" but some of the things she's said about him (including borrowing his "ex-wife's minivan") makes me think that he's already/still taken. So I guess I'm hung up on him being married because I know what my friend is looking for (and what she thinks she's found): a husband of her own.

But if she wants this man -- or any guy who's a divorced dad -- as a husband, she will have to adjust to the occasional/somewhat frequent family-centered activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you know his full name, a little intelius search should give you some records. The question is whether you want to pay for it, and what you do with the info if you find out he's married. It's a hard call. Most people will say she's got to find out one way or another on her own, but I know it would kill me to see a good friend of mine get used.

OP here. I raised my suspicion with my friend -- she doesn't think he's married, so that's all that really matters. I'm certainly not interested in putting any effort into (and definitely wouldn't spend $$) trying to confirm or dismiss MY suspicion about HER man. I only posted the question to take get a temperature on my suspicion -- and it seems that the temperature of the thread is that he COULD be married. So, as time goes on and their relationship hasn't progress -- meaning, a year rolls by and she still hasn't ever been to his house (which, to me, is different than being introduced to his kids) -- I'll probably bring up the whole "maybe he's married" thing again.

[Anonymous]

I think he's married or hiding something. SHe's never even been to his house, on the off chance that his kids might, just might, stop by? IT's a little weird that there wouldnt be one occasion after their weeknight dates that theywould go to his place. I mean, are his school age kids suddenly showing up at his place at 10 pmo na wednesday? have they ever done anything during the day together on the weekend?

ANother big question--has she met ANY of his friends? Have they done anything social together with his friends, work friends, etc? Have you met him?

taking it slow is fine, but I'm willing to bet this is something else. However, seems like she's got to figure that out on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I read the whole thing before posting. At first, I didn't really think much of it. Mini-van really means nothing. You mention the guy is in his mid-40s--he may be so used to driving a mini-van that it doesn't scream "married" or whatever to him anymore. How old are you and your friend? Just wondering. Also, if he borrowed it, whatever. Ex could be married again, or could have more than one car, the whole car thing isn't really worrisome at all. Here is what is:

Seven months into a relationship, and the first time he spent the night? That's a long time in.
Seven months in, and she still has never seen his house? Ever? Or met his kids?I've been divorced, and while I understand taking it slow, and not introducing your kids to everyone you date, by six or seven months in, you're really not a casual fling. While he may not be comfortable having his kids meet her, it's the not spending the night at her house EVER or her EVER seeing his house that I think are huge red flags.

He's either married, or really not that interested in her. I'm going to guess married, unfortunately. It will be easy enough to look up.

And as a different PP said, has she ever met his friends? Any of them? Done any social activities with his group? Why can't she come over at 10:00 pm on a school night? His kids won't drop in, for sure.

Definitely a huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

I don't see the whole mini-van thing as a red flag - my ex doesn't have a car and I let him borrow mine on occasion. Plus, divorce can be expensive, so its not like people necessarily have money to go out and buy a new car once they get divorced.

The not seeing his house, not sleeping over could be a red flag, but it depends on his custody schedule and other things. Maybe the kids didn't deal with the divorce early on and are having a hard time now and he thinks that them knowing that he's seeing/sleeping with another woman would really upset them? Maybe he knows that his non-smooth relationship with his ex would be tipped to the more difficult side if she discovers he's serious about someone? In any event, it is really up to your friend to work though.

[Anonymous]

This guy is so married that is not even funny. But you know what? OP's friend doesn't care because she wants to get married so badly.