Please explain Southern-style communication to a clueless Yankee

[Anonymous]

My mother in law is very southern, and whenever she disagrees with something, she'll just say, "well, I don't know ..." and trail off.

[Anonymous]

Here's an example for you, OP. Person 1 is going on and on, bragging about how their child is the smartest, brightest little child ever born. Someone from this area might not reply with any comment or might murmur "Wow" or something, but a Southerner might say, gushing "Oh, isn't that just wonderful how bright they are; good for them, you must be so proud!" when they really think "I am so sick of hearing about this child! Big deal!". There is a false politeness that you have to watch out for; the women who will complement you and be sweet to your face and then cut you down the second you turn your back. Southern women are taught to be polite and use good manners, but that doesn't mean that they are sincere about what they are saying. If you grow up with that type of thing, you can pick up on it rather quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel Southern men do more of the things such as: holding a door open for a female, letting a female step forward onto an elevator first, opening a female's car door, etc. Also: letting older people walk in front of you (such as exiting an elevator first, or stepping onto an elevator first), or giving up a seat for an elderly person (basically, anyone older than you) or for females. I never really paid attention to these things before, thinking them the natural order of the universe , but when I went to college (Midwest, but drew people from every region of the US, so what I am mentioning next is not targeting Midwesterners), I found myself pretty shocked and actually hurt or offended if people did not do these things! I know it sounds silly now, but I did feel like these folks were being rude and were just generally a bit more clueless than the people I had been used to at home. I had a boyfriend and a BFF from Calif. and I used to talk to each of them about this and they both thought, individually, that it was absolutley insane for me to pay attention to these things, and that they were so much more enlightened and easy-breezy to treat everyone, regardless of gender or age, etc., in the same egalitarian fashion. However, I to thsi day still prefer to follow the "rules" I listed above, and I must confess I do feel most comfortable around folks who do these things too! So, this is all to say: Northerners (and other regions), it's not that we consider you rude, but it's just we've had it so hammered into us -- and reinforced by the social norms around us -- that it IS what Polite Peole (with a capital P and P) DOOOO, that yeah, the first knee-jerk reaction, when you see someone NOT doing it is, "Bless your heart, so-and-so just stepped onto the elevator in front of me." Or, what-have-you.

FWIW, my DH (born and raised in northern New Jersey) does all of these things...his mother insisted on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel Southern men do more of the things such as: holding a door open for a female, letting a female step forward onto an elevator first, opening a female's car door, etc. Also: letting older people walk in front of you (such as exiting an elevator first, or stepping onto an elevator first), or giving up a seat for an elderly person (basically, anyone older than you) or for females. I never really paid attention to these things before, thinking them the natural order of the universe , but when I went to college (Midwest, but drew people from every region of the US, so what I am mentioning next is not targeting Midwesterners), I found myself pretty shocked and actually hurt or offended if people did not do these things! I know it sounds silly now, but I did feel like these folks were being rude and were just generally a bit more clueless than the people I had been used to at home. I had a boyfriend and a BFF from Calif. and I used to talk to each of them about this and they both thought, individually, that it was absolutley insane for me to pay attention to these things, and that they were so much more enlightened and easy-breezy to treat everyone, regardless of gender or age, etc., in the same egalitarian fashion. However, I to thsi day still prefer to follow the "rules" I listed above, and I must confess I do feel most comfortable around folks who do these things too! So, this is all to say: Northerners (and other regions), it's not that we consider you rude, but it's just we've had it so hammered into us -- and reinforced by the social norms around us -- that it IS what Polite Peole (with a capital P and P) DOOOO, that yeah, the first knee-jerk reaction, when you see someone NOT doing it is, "Bless your heart, so-and-so just stepped onto the elevator in front of me." Or, what-have-you.

FWIW, my DH (born and raised in northern New Jersey) does all of these things...his mother insisted on it.

I am the pp you quoted, and that's particularly funny to me b/c I too was raised by a mother who was also from northern New Jersey!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel Southern men do more of the things such as: holding a door open for a female, letting a female step forward onto an elevator first, opening a female's car door, etc. Also: letting older people walk in front of you (such as exiting an elevator first, or stepping onto an elevator first), or giving up a seat for an elderly person (basically, anyone older than you) or for females. I never really paid attention to these things before, thinking them the natural order of the universe , but when I went to college (Midwest, but drew people from every region of the US, so what I am mentioning next is not targeting Midwesterners), I found myself pretty shocked and actually hurt or offended if people did not do these things! I know it sounds silly now, but I did feel like these folks were being rude and were just generally a bit more clueless than the people I had been used to at home. I had a boyfriend and a BFF from Calif. and I used to talk to each of them about this and they both thought, individually, that it was absolutley insane for me to pay attention to these things, and that they were so much more enlightened and easy-breezy to treat everyone, regardless of gender or age, etc., in the same egalitarian fashion. However, I to thsi day still prefer to follow the "rules" I listed above, and I must confess I do feel most comfortable around folks who do these things too! So, this is all to say: Northerners (and other regions), it's not that we consider you rude, but it's just we've had it so hammered into us -- and reinforced by the social norms around us -- that it IS what Polite Peole (with a capital P and P) DOOOO, that yeah, the first knee-jerk reaction, when you see someone NOT doing it is, "Bless your heart, so-and-so just stepped onto the elevator in front of me." Or, what-have-you.

FWIW, my DH (born and raised in northern New Jersey) does all of these things...his mother insisted on it.

I was born and raised in Pittsburgh and do those things. My mother also insisted. No, she was not from NJ, but from Beijing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's an example for you, OP. Person 1 is going on and on, bragging about how their child is the smartest, brightest little child ever born. Someone from this area might not reply with any comment or might murmur "Wow" or something, but a Southerner might say, gushing "Oh, isn't that just wonderful how bright they are; good for them, you must be so proud!" when they really think "I am so sick of hearing about this child! Big deal!". There is a false politeness that you have to watch out for; the women who will complement you and be sweet to your face and then cut you down the second you turn your back. Southern women are taught to be polite and use good manners, but that doesn't mean that they are sincere about what they are saying. If you grow up with that type of thing, you can pick up on it rather quickly.

Along those lines: A neighbor told me that she had a lot of leftover diapers from her grandchild (visiting?) and asked if I wanted them. I said yes because I was not thinking quickly on my feet Later, the same neighbor told another neighbor that she couldn't believe I was so desparate that I had to accept free diapers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's an example for you, OP. Person 1 is going on and on, bragging about how their child is the smartest, brightest little child ever born. Someone from this area might not reply with any comment or might murmur "Wow" or something, but a Southerner might say, gushing "Oh, isn't that just wonderful how bright they are; good for them, you must be so proud!" when they really think "I am so sick of hearing about this child! Big deal!". There is a false politeness that you have to watch out for; the women who will complement you and be sweet to your face and then cut you down the second you turn your back. Southern women are taught to be polite and use good manners, but that doesn't mean that they are sincere about what they are saying. If you grow up with that type of thing, you can pick up on it rather quickly.

"How nice!" said with a big smile is almost always an indicator that you've stepped over the line on the bragging.

[Anonymous]

I think one of my favorite long-standing southernisms that I employ often, is when I hate/am annoyed by/want to ignore something, I refer to it as "nice."

"She's really nice."
"Isn't that so nice!"
"What a nice new house!"
"Thanks for having us for lunch. It was so nice."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think one of my favorite long-standing southernisms that I employ often, is when I hate/am annoyed by/want to ignore something, I refer to it as "nice."

"She's really nice."
"Isn't that so nice!"
"What a nice new house!"
"Thanks for having us for lunch. It was so nice."

Shhh.. You're giving away the secrets!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think one of my favorite long-standing southernisms that I employ often, is when I hate/am annoyed by/want to ignore something, I refer to it as "nice."

"She's really nice."
"Isn't that so nice!"
"What a nice new house!"
"Thanks for having us for lunch. It was so nice."

Hah! I do the same thing, but I use the word, "lovely:"

"Isn't that lovely!"
"That is just lovely."
"I love it! It's lovely!"
"Lovely, just. . lovely."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think one of my favorite long-standing southernisms that I employ often, is when I hate/am annoyed by/want to ignore something, I refer to it as "nice."

"She's really nice."
"Isn't that so nice!"
"What a nice new house!"
"Thanks for having us for lunch. It was so nice."

Hah! I do the same thing, but I use the word, "lovely:"

"Isn't that lovely!"
"That is just lovely."
"I love it! It's lovely!"
"Lovely, just. . lovely."

Ha! Me too, although I am Midwestern. It's my all purpose, I don't like it but that doesn't matter just say something they're waiting, I don't want to lie... "It's LOVELY! Your new brown carpet is lovely!"

[Anonymous]

Ever seen The Closer?

Whenever the says her particular brand of exuberant "Thank you!" she's really saying "get out of my way" or some variation thereof.

I adore it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think one of my favorite long-standing southernisms that I employ often, is when I hate/am annoyed by/want to ignore something, I refer to it as "nice."

"She's really nice."
"Isn't that so nice!"
"What a nice new house!"
"Thanks for having us for lunch. It was so nice."

Hah! I do the same thing, but I use the word, "lovely:"

"Isn't that lovely!"
"That is just lovely."
"I love it! It's lovely!"
"Lovely, just. . lovely."

Mine is sweet. Someone's kid is acting a fool and they apologize: "Awww... she's sweet. "

[Anonymous]

Southern women are aggresively "sweet" and two-faced. I'd rather someone be honest and blunt than to deal with that. -- reformed southerner who tells it like it is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. These responses are hilarious, and I really do mean that. (-:

I do the basic polite mannerisms such as please, thank you, greeting strangers on the street (except in busy downtown DC), giving up seats to elderly, not criticizing people directly, etc.

The one difference is that people from my mid-Atlantic hometown generally wouldn't go out of their way to make a polite comment on something they found displeasing (ugly shoes, for example). Most people I know from my hometown probably wouldn't say anything, wishing to avoid focusing on something awkward.

On the other hand, people from my hometown will say "Let's get together sometime," even if they don't mean it. I personally avoid doing that, but then again, I know I'm a bit slow on the take in some social situations.

I'm going to check out that book, thanks!

Yeah, those ugly shoes. Also a mid atlantic-er here, and instead of finding something nice to say, we'd say, " weellllllll" and then sort of subtly point out one thing that might be the fatal flaw - that strap is just a little......(and trail off and have the person fill it in themselves. If it was a really really good friend. Otherwise, it'd be polite all the way. Or maybe point out something bout how they fit, rather than how they looked - does that strap hurt your feet? I don't know if that would be too comfortable. (so then it's a matter of poorly made shoes, not your taste in shoes).

Babies, houses, old people, etc always receive positive comments, though!