My heart is breaking--going back to work

[Anonymous]

When I had to return to work after 6 weeks, my mom came to watch the baby for a little while before we put her in daycare. We set-up a webcam so that I could see my baby (not really, really grainy image) but I could see my mom putting my baby in the stroller, walking around, baby sleeping ... I couldn't really see her face, but I could see how she was doing. I missed my dd when I was at the office, but seeing the live images helped me thru the day.

[Anonymous]

We had family take shifts for a couple more weeks when I had to go back. My mom took one week, his mom another week, etc. It worked out better than I'd hoped.

I was incredibly sad too. However, it wasn't an option that I stay home either, we just can't afford it. My husband pointed out that it was a step towards DD "growing up" too, and it will be good for her and for me.

It was very hard, I won't lie to you. But it does get better, I mean, the weepies get better as time goes on, and you adjust to the new schedule. I slip out early when I can and go get her. I treasure our weekends. And be kind to yourself in those early weeks. I was surprised how supportive everyone was at work, which really helped. They knew it wasn't where I wanted to be, and cut me some slack for a few months. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

15:45, I have noticed that too. People tend to get very touchy about terms, especially "daycare." I have been corrected by other moms who advise me that their toddler children are in "nursery school," not daycare. I think it's the "school" part of the word that they like!

[Anonymous]

To 15:49 PP, you had to return to work after just 6 weeks?

What kind of country are we living in? Oh, to live in a progressive European country that recognizes that nobody wins when parents are required to return to work so soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: and DH seemed to understand a little better this morning what I am going through. But I suspect, as much as he tries, he may not really "get it," as his return to work appeared to go fairly smoothly, other than his feelings of never having enough time.

I felt this as well. As much as DH tries to understand I'm not sure he is really capable. His transition back to work after 2 weeks was no problem. Not a worry in the world since I was home and my mom was with me too. When I returned to work there was concern but no tears, no constant fear or worry. I carried the baby for 39+ weeks, he grew inside of me and now he is here and I witness all the wonder moment after moment in a way that only a mother can. I'm not sure a father, even the very best father, can feel that same kind of connection.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been thinking about you all day. Several months ago, I was in your shoes: looking at returning to work after a longish materntiy leave, breadwinner, stunned at my reluctance to leave my baby, occasional uncharacteristic resentment at husband for his earnings, a tiny part of me that wondered whether I loved leave because it was for a finite period -- just to name a few commonalities.

Here I am several months later. The tears have dried up for the most part, but still, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you there was a dull constantly present ache. I'm writing, not to discourage, but to let you know that if that happens, you are not alone. Everyone was/is really understanding when you come back. They know you don't want to be there. They know you are sad to leave your baby. They realize you have (temporarily) misplaced your work groove. They even understand that the transition back will take a long time. So, I was under the mistaken impression that the transition would be bad, but then there would be a point everything was going swimmingly. I'd be happy to be at work. I would be happy to drop off the baby at daycare. There are so many posts on this website and others that refer to work as this oasis. However, it hasn't come together like that. There is the implication that the transition is a week or two, or perhaps a month or two. Let's just say, I am still transitioning. . . Perhaps, this will come together in time. OP, I want you to know that if it does take time, know that you are not alone.

You have gotten some great tips to ease your transition, but I will add a few more:

1) The weekend before you return to work, go to the office and drop off all the crap you plan to bring. I brought in extra clothes, nursing pads, pumping bags, paper towels, pump, and whole bunch of nursing related items. I brought a lot of "extra" items planning that I would be forgetful at least initially. This will help so you are not schelping in everything on your first day back. Also, you will walk into the building and your office/cube. I found the nerves leading up to this to be incredible. But the familiarity was comforting and I wasn't anxious about entering the building on the first day back.

2) Lots of people have suggested bringing in a picture of your DS. Good idea. To that, I would add bringing in a little item of your son's whether it's a toy, a piece of clothing, washcloth, whatever that's his and smells like him. Hide it in your work bag/purse. Pull it out when sad.

3) There is nothing like a reunion. When I pick up my DC at daycare, she reaches out to me and smiles a gigantic smile -- in a way that just never happened while I was home. Yes, I appreciate some of it might be developmental, but when I was always around, there wasn't one big moment like that. When I get down, I just think about that moment.

4) I can't claim to be one of those moms who is better because she works. I am much more organized now that I am a working mom, though. So, I use that to maxmize my time with DC. I do see my friends on occasion, but those who appreciate seeing DC as well.

5) Find that one friend you can tell all your ugly thoughts to, who will listen, and then gently talk reason into you. People have mentioned support systems - friends, parents, etc. I totally agree with that. However, I find that I can't tell my mom or just a "regular" friend that I really miss DC today and I can't believe my husband doesn't make more money so I can stay home. Its' different emotions than being conflicted about returning to work, and I really don't want to get into with most people. However, there is one friend who is in a similar position, and I can tell her. She reminds me about all of the wonderful things that my husband does and is and how we have a true partnership. I hope you have a friend like that.

6) Some people like to take a "dry run" for child care in the weeks leading up to going back. I didn't. I didn't want to miss anytime with DC while I sat in a Starbuck's by myself. I don't regret it, and I don't think she's worse for the wear.

Sorry for going on, but your posts really struck a nerve. Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:45, I have noticed that too. People tend to get very touchy about terms, especially "daycare." I have been corrected by other moms who advise me that their toddler children are in "nursery school," not daycare. I think it's the "school" part of the word that they like!

Whatever makes you feel better. Tomato tomato.

My son goes to a daycare that has some structured class in the morning that consists of crafts, letters, shapes, and colors. This should be done by ANY childcare provider and SAHMs as part of trying to keep the kids stimulated during the day. However, they learn just as much and even more during free-play.

[Anonymous]

"Lots of people have suggested bringing in a picture of your DS. Good idea. To that, I would add bringing in a little item of your son's whether it's a toy, a piece of clothing, washcloth, whatever that's his and smells like him. Hide it in your work bag/purse. Pull it out when sad."

Great idea, 17:59 about the transitional objects. I wore DD"s little barette to work (she didn't even have enough hair to wear it) but it helped me feel connected to her. I also realize that not all offices include "infant barettes" on the list of appropriate workplace attire.