My heart is breaking--going back to work

[Anonymous]

I'm going back to work soon and feel like I'm falling apart--every look at my beautiful baby makes me choke up. I have to go back to work, there is really no option (unless we move, I'm by far the primary breadwinner). I have to admit, I find myself thinking why didn't I even consider in a prospective mate someone who could support me if I didn't want to work. (I can write this here, would NEVER say to DH.) We didn't think we wanted children until recently (we are older), and me more than him (he could have gone without), so the balance is somewhat off--a little bit of he gave in for me. I was never the stay home and have babies type, but now that I've had one, I am sooooo crazy about the baby, and i'm just not sure how I will keep it together. and while he LOVES the baby, he is a little resentful about how it has impacted our lives.

But to the point. I need to keep my marriage and mental health intact. There are many great reasons for a child to have a working mother--especially one who is accomplished and successful. and of course to have a father who adores him. But as I look at my baby, all of those thoughts go out of my head. I just want to stay home and take care of him. Which won't happen because of our finances. And there are better ways for me to communicate with my DH right now, rather than what happened tonight (I won't bore with the details, but he is not talking to me, despite my repeated requests for some kindness.)

I know I need to just suck it up and deal maturely with it, but it's almost as if the baby hormones have kicked in again. (I spent the afternoon in tears!!! I can't believe this is happening to me now) What have others told themselves/done to help with the back to work transition? We have great childcare, and I had a good amount of maternity leave, so I should be happy about it (rather than thinking "why am I paying someone to do what I want to be doing???") and what do I need to say to DH so he really understands how hard this is for me? I don't think he has a clue!!! And other than no mascara and lots of kleenex at work, how to you keep it together the first week back in the office?

[Anonymous]

Do you have a nanny or daycare?

[Anonymous]

OP: au pair, and although we haven't met in person, we have communicated a lot by phone and email and I really like her, and she is amazing on paper, so I have very positive feelings about her.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old is the baby? You asked how to hold it together: What supports do you have in place (other than DCUM)? Are there friends or family you can talk with? Have you considered a counselor or therapist? Have you talked with your childcare provider about the transition and ways she/they might help you? My nanny was a friend so she brought the baby to me when I needed a fix, texted me with updates during the day, gave me a full report in the evenings, etc. It still hurt to be away from the baby, I have to admit. Like you, I was older and I didn't have a clue how hard I'd fall for that baby! Best of luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP: baby is 4 mo, and I have friends who have gone through this, I do have a counselor I have seen in the past, so maybe I should consider talking with them again. And I am definitely planning on having the au pair stay in touch with me during the day (maybe even bring him on downtown lunch outings).

And I'm hoping that my brain is just preparing me for the worst, and maybe it won't be so bad once it actually happens (I do love what I do, it's challenging and interesting and I work with great but sometimes difficult people)

[Anonymous]

I soooooo feel your pain. I could have written much of our message myself. I am also the primary breadwinner in my home and had to go back to work. I had 4.5 months maternity leave but felt the same way -- why am I paying someone to do something I want to do myself. Never really even wanted children and had DC at 38. I had no idea what I was missing. It feels a little like an identity crisis -- this is not who I was before. I used to travel the world for my job and now don't want to go any more. I had no idea how much I would love this tiny being and how I would not want to leave the baby. I am not the same person anymore. And that is wonderful. Going back to work was the hardest thing I ever had to do. The first day I cried before I left day care and the whole way to work and then more when I got to work. The rest of the first week was a lot of the same. It has gotten easier. I did get some good advice along the way:

1) Cannot stress enough the importance of good quality child care that you are comfortable with. It will be a little easier if you don't have to worry about if the baby is well taken care of and is being held enough and not left crying, etc.
2) Go back to work in the middle of the week so the first week will not be a full week.
3) Telecommute at least one day if you can -- that way you can eliminate commute time and drop the baby off later and pick up earlier.
4) I continue to breastfeed in the AM and evenings and I find the time to pump at work. I am producing enough milk with no problems so far so I figure it is the least I can do.
5) I am reading the book The Feminine Mistake. It is very one sided but has some good points. Mainly, that a man is not a financial plan and why women need to work, makes the case for economic independence, etc. It doesn't help the heart break but does make you think about financial considerations. My mom didn't work because my dad didn't want her to and now she is a senior citizen and has only a small social security check and small pension that she earned later in life.
6) Surround yourself with people who can support you at work. All the other women there who use day care have been there and know how hard this is for you.
7) Words of Wisdom from my Mom -- she told me about how I will never want to leave baby anywhere ever -- day care, kindergarten, even school and then she reminded me of how she cried when I went to college but that this is all natural and the baby will be just fine.
8) It does get a little easier because it becomes routine but I have been back at work for about 3 months and it's still heartbreaking.

I know it's hard but the baby really will be fine and so will you.

[Anonymous]

23:11 here. It might be very helpful to reconnect with your counselor and let her know what's going on. That way she might be able to work you in if you find yourself really struggling. Are you still nursing? I found that really maintained my connection with my son. Even the act of pumping made me feel connected to him, and proud that I was doing this for him. I know many women find it to be a pain, and it was, but it was also a joy. If you're not nursing, lots of extra cuddles can work too. I started cosleeping when I returned to work (for some other reasons too), but it sounds like your husband won't be interested in that. Lean on your friends, too. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

23:11/23:30 one more time. In line with what 23:28 said, I'll share something my therapist told me. I was 38, too, when I had my child. We struggled with infertility. I was suffering about being apart from him and wondering if that was normal. And my therapist reminded me that I had been carrying my son with me for my entire life, that the egg he came from was in my body before I was born, and that it was completely natural that I would feel his absence when I had to be away from him. I cried and cried over that. We begin letting go of them from the moment they're born, just as 23:28 said. It's hard. . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:23:11/23:30 one more time. In line with what 23:28 said, I'll share something my therapist told me. I was 38, too, when I had my child. We struggled with infertility. I was suffering about being apart from him and wondering if that was normal. And my therapist reminded me that I had been carrying my son with me for my entire life, that the egg he came from was in my body before I was born, and that it was completely natural that I would feel his absence when I had to be away from him. I cried and cried over that. We begin letting go of them from the moment they're born, just as 23:28 said. It's hard. . . .

This is really sweet, I love the way your thearapist put it.

[Anonymous]

This might involve some painful choices, but at least for the next year or so, cut out everything in your life that is non-essential outside of work and spend that time with your child. I know other people will disagree with this but for me this is what had to happen to make it work.

For me and my husband life became almost entirely about just work and family (including our own parents, siblings, etc -- not just our children). But social life was cut way, way back as well as volunteering, church involvement, etc. Our weekends are almost entirely family time and we try to leave plenty of just "do nothing hang out" time with the kids -- just sit on the couch and watch them play because that is what I missed the most about staying home (I was super lucky -- I got 1 yr. maternity leave and so got really used to the "hanging out" part). We see our closest friends every few months -- enough to keep bonds in tact hopefully for the down the road. Less close friends have dropped off the radar entirely.

Any other timesavers you can do, do them: grocery delivery, housekeeper, shop by internet, etc. I am on this forum a lot right now because I'm on maternity leave with No.2. When I'm back at work, this little indulgence gets cut way, way back as well!

Give your au pair a camera to take pix of your child and with her so you can feel connected to what he's doing. My nanny did this with her own camera and surprised me with the pictures as a Christmas gift -- she made a DVD and set them to music and I was seriously crying when I watched it. To see all the things they did together was bittersweet -- all things I had missed, but was glad to have the photos nonetheless -- not to mention relieved he had someone taking care of him who would do something like this.

It did get easier, but I could not even have a photo of my child in my office the first several months. I know that probably makes me a freak but I had to "compartmentalize" to some extent to make it through the first few months.

If you truly do not have a choice financially I don't know if that makes it easier or harder. My husband and I kept our lifestyle on the cheap (are now on 2 babies in a 2BR apt. v. buying a house) specifically to preserve an "escape hatch" for me should working just become too emotionally difficult. This escape hatch possibility does help me get thru some tough times but at the same time it makes the internal tug of war ongoing -- I am constantly questioning whether I am doing the right thing by working.

[Anonymous]

I'd bet most mothers experience something along the lines of what you're going through right now, to greater or lesser extents, but it is survivable! Just look at all of us in the workforce, for economic reasons but also intellectual/professional ones, and remember that the transition is the worst part. It will take some time before you're all in a groove, logistically and emotionally, so be prepared for the first few weeks to be rough on both scores. But once you do get in a routine, you may just find that you enjoy your work life and your parenting more. I stayed home for a year and dreaded going 'back' (to a new job); in the end, my husband and I both realize now that I was pretty frustrated at home, in part because I felt constrained by the financial hit of not working (and not having my 'own' money for the first time ever - really hard as an older mom with lots of work experience). Frankly I think I was also a little bored, and while the mommy-and-me scene can be nice at the beginning, at a certain point it gets pretty old. The same goes for my child in a way - he's an intensely social kid who thrives in his daycare, much more than he would have enjoyed a few more years going to the mall and music class with me. And we spend almost every non-work hour with him, so I don't feel like I'm depriving him of parenting at all.

Bottom line: it's totally fair to feel sadness and anxiety about going back; but try not to idealize staying home either. And if you're miserable after a few months, start strategizing how you can change your situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, you will get through this. i was actually in the opposite boat. my husband wanted me to stay home with the little critter, if that's what i wanted. but i never saw myself as a SAHM. and i couldn't see how we'd be able to live at the standard we have now (which ain't that high)! i stayed home with my DS for 5 months (waiting to get into daycare). i cried my eyes out on that first day of leaving him at the daycare. he was fine. we were lucky in that my husband could pop in everyday to check on him. and send me a pic via his phone. once i realized that my baby was actually thriving in daycare, i was a lot better. and i agree with a PP--make your off-time totally about your family (and this includes hubby, who sounds like he needs to grow up a bit, too).

you will be ok once you get into a new routine. it's hard to see it until you are there. good luck. kiss the baby for us!

[Anonymous]

It will definitely be tough the first the first few weeks, but you can get through it. I cried on and off for the first half month, but I tried to make the transition easier by starting work mid-week and coming home earlier. Then the subsequent week, I would send take 2 days vacation (on a Tuesday & Thursday). By the third week, I was down to 1 day vacation (on a Wednesday). It was still difficult to say good-bye to my baby every morning, and I was looking at my watch the entire time at work to see when I can bolt home. Bring a picture of your baby everywhere, go out to eat lunch with co-workers/friends to talk about your baby, and if you want you can see if you can have a webcam so that you can see your baby once in awhile during the day. Good luck... it is never easy to leave your baby but with time it will be a better transition.

[Anonymous]

My husband also told me to take a couple years off when we had our son, if I wanted to. After 5 months of maternity leave-I felt as if the walls were closing in on me and knew in my heart I had to back. Once I was back, I realized how much I like my job-how much I valued my job. I'm a better mother because I have my own thing for part of the day. I love forward to going to work and can't wait to play with my son in the afternoons.

I'm not sure if you've thought about this-or if it's an option financially-but I work part-time and love it! I'm in the office 5-6 hours a day and work after my son is in bed (not every night, but often, an hour here and there). I will say it wasn't easy to convince my boss-but he finally let me try it. It's been working for a year and 1/2-and my workload has increased due to layoffs-and I'm still working a reduced work week. I have more time with my son, more time to spend at home-I can't tell you how much I love working part-time! I'll be home when he gets out of school-which was very important to me, since I was a latch key kid. It is something to think about if you're miserable when you return to work.

[Anonymous]

I really feel for you. I went through the same. It is so hard but you can do it and all the anxiety is often worse than the real thing, especially so the first time around. It made me physically sick to go back with my first but we did get into a routine, I got the balance of contributing something adult outside our home, and in the end, and 2 babies later, it has worked very well for our family.

A couple quick coping things that helped me --

1. Kept picture of my son in my pumping bag; also gobs and gobs at my desk.
2. Volunteer to help out at your child's daycare (some companies even offer paid time off- volunteer leave for this- ask).
3. Resist urge to run errands, etc your last few days at home and do some memorable outings instead (e.g., zoo, park, whatever)
4. Keep talking to friends and if need be therapist to get over this hump. I saw someone for about 3 months and while it didn't change my life it helped to talk about these things.

Hang in there - it does get easier.