My heart is breaking--going back to work

[Anonymous]

OP-
Not much to add to what PPs have already said (all good advice). For me, the anticipation of leaving the baby and going back to work (at 4 mo) was much worse than it actually was. I like my job, I work reasonable hours, and have a nanny I LOVE. That is so important - to have a child care situation you are happy with. Also, I know that I don't want to stay at home and wouldn't be good at it. You definitely need a good, understanding outlet (friends, therapist, family) for the days when you feel super sad. I also want to echo PPs that nursing and pumping really helped me feel connected to DD. I nurse her 2x in morning before I leave for work, pump while I'm here, and nurse 1-2 times when I get home. She's turning 1 next week so I've been at this for the last 8 months - its possible. Good luck. Keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

OP I have been there, husband was full time student and I was only bread winner at the time. I quit working full time, we were poor, got rid of the fancy car, cell phone and cable. It was only for a while, but in my opinion so worth it. I really did not know I would feel the way I did until I saw the little face looking up at me and I actually had guilt that I considered putting her in childcare. My husband took care of her when I worked the 20 hours a week I had to work so we could eat and pay the bills. All is better now, but for 3 yrs we were tight. THis is my spin. If it does not work for you, just know you had 4 wonderful months with your baby and you are doing what has to be done for the family. good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have been there, husband was full time student and I was only bread winner at the time. I quit working full time, we were poor, got rid of the fancy car, cell phone and cable. It was only for a while, but in my opinion so worth it. I really did not know I would feel the way I did until I saw the little face looking up at me and I actually had guilt that I considered putting her in childcare. My husband took care of her when I worked the 20 hours a week I had to work so we could eat and pay the bills. All is better now, but for 3 yrs we were tight. THis is my spin. If it does not work for you, just know you had 4 wonderful months with your baby and you are doing what has to be done for the family. good luck

What did you do about healthcare? Especially with an infant?

My gosh, at 20hrs a week and a family of three, I don't think we could eat, but certainly not pay the bills! We'd be forclosed on within a 3 months. MOST people cannot pay their rent/mortgage on 1/2 of one income. Heck, most people can't pay the bills on 1 FT income.

I'm lucky that my DH makes enough that I could stay home for 2 years, but I don't live in a dream land thinking other people in this area have that option. Many people just cut these things out in order to even have a child in the first place Many people (maybe not the DCUM demographic so much) live as the above poster doing without a nice phone, cell phone, or cable, but this is their normal everyday life on 2 incomes. Single moms do this all the time.

[Anonymous]

Also, keep in mind that you are still very hormonal -- this is not to discount your feelings on any level, but I found it very helpful when I was on this emotional rollercoaster that part of what I was experiencing was purely chemical.

[Anonymous]

Amendation -- I was writing too quickly. I found it helpful to *remember* that part of what I was experiencing was chemical.

[Anonymous]

When my wife went back to work, it was not easy for her. To ease into it, I would bring our baby in to see her at work a few days a week, usually around her pumping time to nurse and play for a few minutes. Also I took pictures of us out and about, at the park or zoo or museum from my camera phone and emailed them to her. When she was feeling down, she would email me asking for more pictures. It's not the same as being there, but it does help to brighten the day.

Maybe your Au Pair could do a bit of the same when you start work? I know it's no great consolation. But every little bit helps during the transition.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Working mom here, with DD in daycare. I have to say: I'm a better mom b/c I'm not home all day with my DD. I can't wait to see her everyday, never get annoyed at the little things that can send a SAHM up the wall. I smother my DD with kisses every morning and every afternoon/evening. We are very affectionate and very close. I had no idea how daycare would work out, and I was prepared to quit my job if DD didn't do well. Luckily, she gets a lot of love from her caregivers, and then from her doting parents. I hope your situation works out similarly. I bet it will.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you so much everyone for your suggestions and thoughts--I am going to keep these with me for inspiration.

I do BF, and plan to keep doing so and pumping at work (Working Mothers, Nursing Mothers book is really helpful). and we co-sleep now, and will continue doing so until it no longer works for us (DH loves this too).

I have wondered, if I knew I would be home indefinitely, would I feel quite so great about it, or would the minor annoyances (more related to DH than DC) build up... And I will enlist the au pair to bring DC downtown once she is comfortable with the area etc. I have already cut back on volunteer commitments, and am thinking about doing the same with my work hours.

And like a number of the posts, I suspect my fear and apprehension may be worse than the actual return (although it will be hard no matter what).

I have good support at work, and friends in the office and nearby that I can turn to for support. And an amazing secretary who I love.

I really didn't think I would be this crazy for my baby--it is just so much fun doing nothing at all with that little creature.

and DH seemed to understand a little better this morning what I am going through. But I suspect, as much as he tries, he may not really "get it," as his return to work appeared to go fairly smoothly, other than his feelings of never having enough time.

thanks again everyone---

[Anonymous]

I hear you, I remember how tough it was going back to work when my DS was three months old. I felt total guilt as a mom and total resentment against my DH for not being the primary breadwinner (like you, I never said anything to him, though he felt guilty about it too). Trust me, it does get better, although it takes time. It really wasn't until my son was 2 and in a great pre-school that I felt completely at ease and happy with the fact that he wasn't in my care full-time. Now that I have a DD and will be going back to work again in two months, I know what to expect and I'm more at-ease with it this time around. Just keep in mind that the guilt and resentment will ease with time (hopefully the resentment will completely vanish). Guilt will pop up again when your DC gets sick, so be prepared for those guilt-spikes (and compound it with the work-related stress that will accompany it, since your child's sicknesses will undoubtedly happen at the worst time work-wise). Just make the most of the time that you do have, ie leave work at a decent hour, enjoy your weekends to their fullest, plan fun family outings, etc. The quality time you spend with your DC is what matters the most, not the overall time you spend with your DC. It will get better, I promise!!

[Anonymous]

A few other points to these excellent PPs:

1) Aside from the baby, leaving this completely out, do you like your job? I find that this makes a big different. Women who truly liked/ loved their job have an easier time (even if it takes some time) with the transition. If you hate/ don't like/ are lukewarm about your job in the first place, could that be part of the problem?

2) Men will never get this.

3) Reread #2. That's what this board, your mother and your girlfriends are for. He will never really understand how you feel about this and frankly, it's probably not fair to expect him to. Expecting kindness from him is another thing, though.

[Anonymous]

i don't think that's fair, or true, about men. my husband gets it. he wanted me to stay home, if i wanted to. he got choked up leaving our son in daycare, too. but it has all worked out and we are very happy with the situation. good luck to all working moms!

[Anonymous]

Tell yourself that you're doing the best you can do, right now, for your particular family and your particular situation. It sounds like you've done two wonderful things to prepare for this transition: You've built a strong and enduring bond with your baby, and you've carefully selected someone to care for your little one when you have to be away. It's never a bad thing to have one more person in the world who loves him unconditionally. Be gentle with yourself for the first few days/weeks/months back. And remember that it's not all or nothing, forever and ever --- I went back to work for another year and a half before my family was in a spot where it was feasible to stay home for a bit. Literally working toward that goal was a way to feel happy about my choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i don't think that's fair, or true, about men. my husband gets it. he wanted me to stay home, if i wanted to. he got choked up leaving our son in daycare, too. but it has all worked out and we are very happy with the situation. good luck to all working moms!

Remember, though people tend to feel guilty about putting kids in childcare like it's a punishment of some sort. Kids can get tremendous things from that setting they can't get from home. It's a wonderful thing to do for the kids, by putting them in a nice preschool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i don't think that's fair, or true, about men. my husband gets it. he wanted me to stay home, if i wanted to. he got choked up leaving our son in daycare, too. but it has all worked out and we are very happy with the situation. good luck to all working moms!

Remember, though people tend to feel guilty about putting kids in childcare like it's a punishment of some sort. Kids can get tremendous things from that setting they can't get from home. It's a wonderful thing to do for the kids, by putting them in a nice preschool.

I agree with the first poster and agree with the second poster in part. I stayed home for 2 years (posted earlier) and that was a decision between me and hubby. He was very passionate about DS not going to daycare until he was older. I was going to head back to work, but right after DS was born it was hubby who turned to me and said there is no way we can put DS in daycare. He would have taken a 2nd job in a heatbeat to make it work. When DS entered into daycare at 2 my husband was not fully onboard, but now is all for it. So, I agree with the second poster in that preschool (uhem, daycare) can be a great gift, but really not so much when they are infants. I don't see a benefit over being at home, but I definitly don't think it will be harmful. Look at Michael Phelps. He had a single mom and I bet he spent many of his formative years in the care of someone else while his mom worked. I don't know him personally, but when he won his 1st medal in 08, the first words out of his mouth is that he was looking for his mom in the stands. He sounds to me as someone who is well bonded and secure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i don't think that's fair, or true, about men. my husband gets it. he wanted me to stay home, if i wanted to. he got choked up leaving our son in daycare, too. but it has all worked out and we are very happy with the situation. good luck to all working moms!

Remember, though people tend to feel guilty about putting kids in childcare like it's a punishment of some sort. Kids can get tremendous things from that setting they can't get from home. It's a wonderful thing to do for the kids, by putting them in a nice preschool.

I agree with the first poster and agree with the second poster in part. I stayed home for 2 years (posted earlier) and that was a decision between me and hubby. He was very passionate about DS not going to daycare until he was older. I was going to head back to work, but right after DS was born it was hubby who turned to me and said there is no way we can put DS in daycare. He would have taken a 2nd job in a heatbeat to make it work. When DS entered into daycare at 2 my husband was not fully onboard, but now is all for it. So, I agree with the second poster in that preschool (uhem, daycare) can be a great gift, but really not so much when they are infants. I don't see a benefit over being at home, but I definitly don't think it will be harmful. Look at Michael Phelps. He had a single mom and I bet he spent many of his formative years in the care of someone else while his mom worked. I don't know him personally, but when he won his 1st medal in 08, the first words out of his mouth is that he was looking for his mom in the stands. He sounds to me as someone who is well bonded and secure.

Good post. Remember, the bond between mom and dad and child does not change because there not around you 24/7. It' s probably better for everyone. It's kind of funny but their is a slight difference between daycare and preschool apparantly. I have used the term daycare at a preschool and the teachers give a funny look and say we are a preschool.