Is college really worth it for my DS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former college admissions officer here: have you had your child take an interest inventory and/or a learning styles assessment? Who helped your family and your son decide which college he should apply to? If the answer is "no one," then he needs a gap year or a gap semester, and he needs to take the interest inventory *now* and you either need to meet with his school's guidance counselor or see if one of the local community colleges or even the four-year admissions teams might take a meeting with him. (Stop rolling your eyes: they are far more likely to do this than you might think, in some cases, not because they want to "sell" their product but because they are genuinely interested in helping students find their niche: many of them will even administer the inventory so that your son can get a sense of what's up for him in the future.)

Gap years (a year or a semester between college and high school) are the "norm" in many places and many countries and exist for a reason -- especially for young men who are still basically emotionally and cognitively developing. There is nothing wrong with them, and they often involve employment or internships or military service (which is usually longer than a year) that helps a student focus. They also present a very different candidate to college admissions officers when they apply for the following year.

Good luck, OP. I can tell you're frustrated, and I'm sorry for that. It reads a bit as if you're making this about financial investment (which I understand) but perhaps it will help if you also re-frame it for yourself and your son as a time and emotional investment: I realize all of this costs a lot in all kinds of ways, but you're already spending a lot (time, energy, emotion) with no ROI. I hope my suggestions can help you just a bit--

So nice to read a response from someone who knows something about a subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former college admissions officer here: have you had your child take an interest inventory and/or a learning styles assessment? Who helped your family and your son decide which college he should apply to? If the answer is "no one," then he needs a gap year or a gap semester, and he needs to take the interest inventory *now* and you either need to meet with his school's guidance counselor or see if one of the local community colleges or even the four-year admissions teams might take a meeting with him. (Stop rolling your eyes: they are far more likely to do this than you might think, in some cases, not because they want to "sell" their product but because they are genuinely interested in helping students find their niche: many of them will even administer the inventory so that your son can get a sense of what's up for him in the future.)

Gap years (a year or a semester between college and high school) are the "norm" in many places and many countries and exist for a reason -- especially for young men who are still basically emotionally and cognitively developing. There is nothing wrong with them, and they often involve employment or internships or military service (which is usually longer than a year) that helps a student focus. They also present a very different candidate to college admissions officers when they apply for the following year.

Good luck, OP. I can tell you're frustrated, and I'm sorry for that. It reads a bit as if you're making this about financial investment (which I understand) but perhaps it will help if you also re-frame it for yourself and your son as a time and emotional investment: I realize all of this costs a lot in all kinds of ways, but you're already spending a lot (time, energy, emotion) with no ROI. I hope my suggestions can help you just a bit--

+1. I have a nephew like the OP's son. After flunking out of CC, then joining the military, it appears he actually has a learning disorder along with some anxiety problems. The family was in denial for years and just thought he refused to work hard enough. He was actually super-motivated in the Army, but he is a slow learner; he had hoped to become an Army officer, but when he found out he just didn't have the right stuff (or the actual ability to get a college degree) that plan went south. He had a hard start with lots of criticism and lack of understanding from his parents and is still floundering now in his 30s. You do not want this. Listen to the poster above. They sound like they know what they are doing. Counseling and testing might really help your son get started.

I also took a college prep course at a community college before heading away to school. It was fairly inexpensive and did prepare me for the college environment. thinking about his future and his skills.

[Anonymous]

Should have been "the counseling" with help him to think about his future and his skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is lazy, and hard to deal with.
Gets C+s to Bs
Participates in 1 extracurricular, though hasn't been to a meeting in weeks
Has done the minimum to graduate, 1 AP course, and minimum service hours.
Has gotten to a low-tier college (How IDK, as I would not accept him, and I'm his mom!)

-here's the big one-

Expects us to pay for a portion of the cost of college.

There is NO WAY I am going to pay a half of his college fees, no way. He has not shown us that he is ready, and has never held down a job in his life (he did, after DH insisted, get one at one point. Didn't last long though). We aren't rich, and while we could probably afford to help out with the half, I don't want to see him go then just flander, wasting our money and time. I've made this clear to him multiple times over the past four years-that we were not going to help him pay unless his grades improved dramatically-and he is still begging, because he is too damn lazy to get a job even now. When we ask how he will pay his share, he says that he will get a job in college, and that will do it.

So, my question: Is it really worth the money to send him off to school? Or should I get him the Giant Grocery store application so he can join the workforce, not that anyone would hire him.

Does he have any passions, does he have good SATs? DH was like this and now pulls in 200k after BS and MS degrees doing software dev and systems design. Basically he feels like he is doing things that challenge and interested him where as high school's general subjects bored him

OP here: Nope, no passions, unless you call that fucking video game he plays "competitively" (can you believe you can play a video game competatively? *rolls eyes*)

His SATs were not great, maybe average, a bit below.

Actually, you can play video games competitively


http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/31/technology/esports-explosion-brings-opportunity-riches-for-video-gamers.html?_r=0

[Anonymous]

First choice? Military, provided he is not a thug or a druggie.

Second choice? Community college, with the goal of transferring to a four year university.

Third choice? Trade school. There is no shame in learning a marketable trade.

Not on the table? A four year university, unless he can find the gumption to pay for it on his own.

[Anonymous]

Your posts sound very sad and disappointed, OP. I would be sad too if my child behaved as yours does, but I would also look inside myself to see if I can change my behavior. Complaining about him is not going to change him. Saying no one would hire him is not helping him. You have to find something you like about him and praise that, and ignore everything else, unless it's dangerous or harmful to other persons or property. If you've been coddling him, he needs to deal with the consequences of his behavior, even if it means no college. I'd send him to CC for a year and tell him that if he demonstrated he can be responsible and pull down good grades, you'll pay for 4-year college. Does his school have a guidance department that can point him toward internships or volunteer activities he can do for a year? He sounds like he may need to do some growing up. And you need to get into some sort of therapy so you are not so angry and disappointed in him. You're his mom. There must be something you admire and appreciate about him. Praise his breathing if nothing else, or how he sits in his chair, or puts on his shoes. Find something you like and tell him so. Start there, rinse, repeat. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP - yes, he is better off with a college education, than without.

He got in.

Pay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my kid. I sympathize OP.
I want him to go to CC, DH thinks he should go to "real" college. I like the give him a semester and if the grades are below some pre-determined level, you are done.

I don't think he will ever amount to anything if he doesn't get off the video games.
I'm very sorry to say that, but it may be too late.
They are addictive and as you correctly infer, a waste of time.
I paid good money to send DC to a boarding school where video games are not allowed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my kid. I sympathize OP.
I want him to go to CC, DH thinks he should go to "real" college. I like the give him a semester and if the grades are below some pre-determined level, you are done.

I don't think he will ever amount to anything if he doesn't get off the video games.
I'm very sorry to say that, but it may be too late.
They are addictive and as you correctly infer, a waste of time.
I paid good money to send DC to a boarding school where video games are not allowed.

You sent Adams to boarding school because you couldn't enforce rules about video games yourself?

OP, send him to CC, he'll live at home, and you can enforce rules about video game time. Make him warn video privileges and, ultimately, room and board away from your home.

[Anonymous]

DS not Adams, don't know how that happened

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my kid. I sympathize OP.
I want him to go to CC, DH thinks he should go to "real" college. I like the give him a semester and if the grades are below some pre-determined level, you are done.

I don't think he will ever amount to anything if he doesn't get off the video games.
I'm very sorry to say that, but it may be too late.
They are addictive and as you correctly infer, a waste of time.
I paid good money to send DC to a boarding school where video games are not allowed.

You sent Adams to boarding school because you couldn't enforce rules about video games yourself?

OP, send him to CC, he'll live at home, and you can enforce rules about video game time. Make him warn video privileges and, ultimately, room and board away from your home.

Uh, yeah, something like that. You make it sound easier than it is to "enforce video game rules." It's not so much different than a crack or heroin or gambling addiction really. And once it is established you are not going to get your kid to change course without a major, major blow-up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former college admissions officer here: have you had your child take an interest inventory and/or a learning styles assessment? Who helped your family and your son decide which college he should apply to? If the answer is "no one," then he needs a gap year or a gap semester, and he needs to take the interest inventory *now* and you either need to meet with his school's guidance counselor or see if one of the local community colleges or even the four-year admissions teams might take a meeting with him. (Stop rolling your eyes: they are far more likely to do this than you might think, in some cases, not because they want to "sell" their product but because they are genuinely interested in helping students find their niche: many of them will even administer the inventory so that your son can get a sense of what's up for him in the future.)

Gap years (a year or a semester between college and high school) are the "norm" in many places and many countries and exist for a reason -- especially for young men who are still basically emotionally and cognitively developing. There is nothing wrong with them, and they often involve employment or internships or military service (which is usually longer than a year) that helps a student focus. They also present a very different candidate to college admissions officers when they apply for the following year.

Good luck, OP. I can tell you're frustrated, and I'm sorry for that. It reads a bit as if you're making this about financial investment (which I understand) but perhaps it will help if you also re-frame it for yourself and your son as a time and emotional investment: I realize all of this costs a lot in all kinds of ways, but you're already spending a lot (time, energy, emotion) with no ROI. I hope my suggestions can help you just a bit--

Awesome advice. I have read that boys mature more slowly than girls (a generalization, I know). A year of work or perhaps military, may be what the kid needs to grow up a bit. The main contingency is that he can't laze about the house for a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is lazy, and hard to deal with.
Gets C+s to Bs
Participates in 1 extracurricular, though hasn't been to a meeting in weeks
Has done the minimum to graduate, 1 AP course, and minimum service hours.
Has gotten to a low-tier college (How IDK, as I would not accept him, and I'm his mom!)

-here's the big one-

Expects us to pay for a portion of the cost of college.

There is NO WAY I am going to pay a half of his college fees, no way. He has not shown us that he is ready, and has never held down a job in his life (he did, after DH insisted, get one at one point. Didn't last long though). We aren't rich, and while we could probably afford to help out with the half, I don't want to see him go then just flander, wasting our money and time. I've made this clear to him multiple times over the past four years-that we were not going to help him pay unless his grades improved dramatically-and he is still begging, because he is too damn lazy to get a job even now. When we ask how he will pay his share, he says that he will get a job in college, and that will do it.

So, my question: Is it really worth the money to send him off to school? Or should I get him the Giant Grocery store application so he can join the workforce, not that anyone would hire him.

Does he have any passions, does he have good SATs? DH was like this and now pulls in 200k after BS and MS degrees doing software dev and systems design. Basically he feels like he is doing things that challenge and interested him where as high school's general subjects bored him

OP here: Nope, no passions, unless you call that fucking video game he plays "competitively" (can you believe you can play a video game competatively? *rolls eyes*)

His SATs were not great, maybe average, a bit below.

Actually, you can play video games competitively


http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/31/technology/esports-explosion-brings-opportunity-riches-for-video-gamers.html?_r=0
[/quote]


Actually, no. That is only the creme-de-la-creme and the winning teams are dominated by the South Koreans.

[Anonymous]

This was my brother he barely made it through school now he is a cardiologist. The one thing that helped him succeed is that my parents never gave up on him and always pushed him ahead even when he resisted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was my brother he barely made it through school now he is a cardiologist. The one thing that helped him succeed is that my parents never gave up on him and always pushed him ahead even when he resisted.

That seems rather difficult to believe. What med school takes someone who "barely made it through school?" Seriously, which one?