Is college really worth it for my DS?

[Anonymous]

He is lazy, and hard to deal with.
Gets C+s to Bs
Participates in 1 extracurricular, though hasn't been to a meeting in weeks
Has done the minimum to graduate, 1 AP course, and minimum service hours.
Has gotten to a low-tier college (How IDK, as I would not accept him, and I'm his mom!)

-here's the big one-

Expects us to pay for a portion of the cost of college.

There is NO WAY I am going to pay a half of his college fees, no way. He has not shown us that he is ready, and has never held down a job in his life (he did, after DH insisted, get one at one point. Didn't last long though). We aren't rich, and while we could probably afford to help out with the half, I don't want to see him go then just flander, wasting our money and time. I've made this clear to him multiple times over the past four years-that we were not going to help him pay unless his grades improved dramatically-and he is still begging, because he is too damn lazy to get a job even now. When we ask how he will pay his share, he says that he will get a job in college, and that will do it.

So, my question: Is it really worth the money to send him off to school? Or should I get him the Giant Grocery store application so he can join the workforce, not that anyone would hire him.

[Anonymous]

I see two main options

1. You pay for one semester. Tell him that if he doesn't pull at least a 3.0, you are done.

2. You have him enroll in community college - prove himself there for a year before going to a 4 year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is lazy, and hard to deal with.
Gets C+s to Bs
Participates in 1 extracurricular, though hasn't been to a meeting in weeks
Has done the minimum to graduate, 1 AP course, and minimum service hours.
Has gotten to a low-tier college (How IDK, as I would not accept him, and I'm his mom!)

-here's the big one-

Expects us to pay for a portion of the cost of college.

There is NO WAY I am going to pay a half of his college fees, no way. He has not shown us that he is ready, and has never held down a job in his life (he did, after DH insisted, get one at one point. Didn't last long though). We aren't rich, and while we could probably afford to help out with the half, I don't want to see him go then just flander, wasting our money and time. I've made this clear to him multiple times over the past four years-that we were not going to help him pay unless his grades improved dramatically-and he is still begging, because he is too damn lazy to get a job even now. When we ask how he will pay his share, he says that he will get a job in college, and that will do it.

So, my question: Is it really worth the money to send him off to school? Or should I get him the Giant Grocery store application so he can join the workforce, not that anyone would hire him.

Does he have any passions, does he have good SATs? DH was like this and now pulls in 200k after BS and MS degrees doing software dev and systems design. Basically he feels like he is doing things that challenge and interested him where as high school's general subjects bored him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is lazy, and hard to deal with.
Gets C+s to Bs
Participates in 1 extracurricular, though hasn't been to a meeting in weeks
Has done the minimum to graduate, 1 AP course, and minimum service hours.
Has gotten to a low-tier college (How IDK, as I would not accept him, and I'm his mom!)

-here's the big one-

Expects us to pay for a portion of the cost of college.

There is NO WAY I am going to pay a half of his college fees, no way. He has not shown us that he is ready, and has never held down a job in his life (he did, after DH insisted, get one at one point. Didn't last long though). We aren't rich, and while we could probably afford to help out with the half, I don't want to see him go then just flander, wasting our money and time. I've made this clear to him multiple times over the past four years-that we were not going to help him pay unless his grades improved dramatically-and he is still begging, because he is too damn lazy to get a job even now. When we ask how he will pay his share, he says that he will get a job in college, and that will do it.

So, my question: Is it really worth the money to send him off to school? Or should I get him the Giant Grocery store application so he can join the workforce, not that anyone would hire him.

Does he have any passions, does he have good SATs? DH was like this and now pulls in 200k after BS and MS degrees doing software dev and systems design. Basically he feels like he is doing things that challenge and interested him where as high school's general subjects bored him

to add DH is in mid 30s so it happened pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is lazy, and hard to deal with.
Gets C+s to Bs
Participates in 1 extracurricular, though hasn't been to a meeting in weeks
Has done the minimum to graduate, 1 AP course, and minimum service hours.
Has gotten to a low-tier college (How IDK, as I would not accept him, and I'm his mom!)

-here's the big one-

Expects us to pay for a portion of the cost of college.

There is NO WAY I am going to pay a half of his college fees, no way. He has not shown us that he is ready, and has never held down a job in his life (he did, after DH insisted, get one at one point. Didn't last long though). We aren't rich, and while we could probably afford to help out with the half, I don't want to see him go then just flander, wasting our money and time. I've made this clear to him multiple times over the past four years-that we were not going to help him pay unless his grades improved dramatically-and he is still begging, because he is too damn lazy to get a job even now. When we ask how he will pay his share, he says that he will get a job in college, and that will do it.

So, my question: Is it really worth the money to send him off to school? Or should I get him the Giant Grocery store application so he can join the workforce, not that anyone would hire him.

Does he have any passions, does he have good SATs? DH was like this and now pulls in 200k after BS and MS degrees doing software dev and systems design. Basically he feels like he is doing things that challenge and interested him where as high school's general subjects bored him

OP here: Nope, no passions, unless you call that fucking video game he plays "competitively" (can you believe you can play a video game competatively? *rolls eyes*)

His SATs were not great, maybe average, a bit below.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes kids need a different environment to break out of their box. I like the first poster's idea, give him one semester, maybe even two, to prove himself. Remember, he's only 18 and is still within his current environment, who knows what a different culture will do for him. I think that if you don't give him an opportunity and make him stay home for CC, especially since he's been accepted to a 4-year institution, you run the risk of this backfiring.

You sound very very bitter, too, nothing against you. You want the best for your child, and you're frustrated that he's being a lazy slouch. Maybe getting him out of the house for college would be a good thing for everyone involved, as much as a financial risk as that would be. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

This is my kid. I sympathize OP.
I want him to go to CC, DH thinks he should go to "real" college. I like the give him a semester and if the grades are below some pre-determined level, you are done.

[Anonymous]

What about looking at a post grad year? I know the cost may not help but it may help him (and you) decide if this living away for school is a good idea. My DH did one, then went to CC then to a top UC school. He really needed that extra year to "mature."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is lazy, and hard to deal with.
Gets C+s to Bs
Participates in 1 extracurricular, though hasn't been to a meeting in weeks
Has done the minimum to graduate, 1 AP course, and minimum service hours.
Has gotten to a low-tier college (How IDK, as I would not accept him, and I'm his mom!)

-here's the big one-

Expects us to pay for a portion of the cost of college.

There is NO WAY I am going to pay a half of his college fees, no way. He has not shown us that he is ready, and has never held down a job in his life (he did, after DH insisted, get one at one point. Didn't last long though). We aren't rich, and while we could probably afford to help out with the half, I don't want to see him go then just flander, wasting our money and time. I've made this clear to him multiple times over the past four years-that we were not going to help him pay unless his grades improved dramatically-and he is still begging, because he is too damn lazy to get a job even now. When we ask how he will pay his share, he says that he will get a job in college, and that will do it.

So, my question: Is it really worth the money to send him off to school? Or should I get him the Giant Grocery store application so he can join the workforce, not that anyone would hire him.

Does he have any passions, does he have good SATs? DH was like this and now pulls in 200k after BS and MS degrees doing software dev and systems design. Basically he feels like he is doing things that challenge and interested him where as high school's general subjects bored him

OP here: Nope, no passions, unless you call that fucking video game he plays "competitively" (can you believe you can play a video game competatively? *rolls eyes*)

His SATs were not great, maybe average, a bit below.

How about making video games?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes kids need a different environment to break out of their box. I like the first poster's idea, give him one semester, maybe even two, to prove himself. Remember, he's only 18 and is still within his current environment, who knows what a different culture will do for him. I think that if you don't give him an opportunity and make him stay home for CC, especially since he's been accepted to a 4-year institution, you run the risk of this backfiring.

You sound very very bitter, too, nothing against you. You want the best for your child, and you're frustrated that he's being a lazy slouch. Maybe getting him out of the house for college would be a good thing for everyone involved, as much as a financial risk as that would be. Good luck to you!

+1. This! We did this with our DD. In HS, she did just enough to get by. She wanted to go "away" to college and we agreed - with a few conditions. The biggest one is that she did get a couple of geopgraphic diversity grants that are renewable based on maintaining a certain GPA. So, we let that be the bar. If she lost those grants, it was time to pack up, come home and go to the local CC. Well, to our surprise, being away from home did wonders for her - it forced her to grow up because mommy and daddy were not there to make everything right. And she was able to make friends with some kids from different backgrounds who were somewhat motivated. So, her peer group changed and that was a big difference. She has done very well.

[Anonymous]

Why does he even want to go to college? If it's to train for a career, I might think it's worthwhile. But, if he doesn't have a plan, I wouldn't be spending my money on it either. What about some type of vocational program, like the Lincoln School?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does he even want to go to college? If it's to train for a career, I might think it's worthwhile. But, if he doesn't have a plan, I wouldn't be spending my money on it either. What about some type of vocational program, like the Lincoln School?

I don't know why he wants to, probably to get stoned and drunk away from home (God knows he probably does it now at home).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does he even want to go to college? If it's to train for a career, I might think it's worthwhile. But, if he doesn't have a plan, I wouldn't be spending my money on it either. What about some type of vocational program, like the Lincoln School?

I don't know why he wants to, probably to get stoned and drunk away from home (God knows he probably does it now at home).

College isn't a vocational school -- my dad drilled that into our heads. That is why my English major sister is a doctor, my philosophy major sister is a nurse and my econ major brother is a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does he even want to go to college? If it's to train for a career, I might think it's worthwhile. But, if he doesn't have a plan, I wouldn't be spending my money on it either. What about some type of vocational program, like the Lincoln School?

I don't know why he wants to, probably to get stoned and drunk away from home (God knows he probably does it now at home).

OP, not to be snarky but I'd recommend some family therapy. Emory Luce Baldwin is good for this kind of thing if you are in DC or MD. You are talking about decisions that may impact the rest of his life and it seems as though frustration and bitterness might be keeping everyone from thinking as clearly as you might like. I have one kid who is pretty difficult, so I do get it, but it's hard for a kid to feel good if his family doesn't seem to like him. Try changing the dynamics (it really is all you can control and a good family therapist who works with teens is necessary) and see what happens. College or not it doesn't sound like your family or your son are in very good places emotionally or in terms of your relationships.

[Anonymous]

This was my nephew. He joined the Navy. Best decision he ever made.