Older Son a "Bully", Any Lawyer Recomendations.

[Anonymous]

And I would say your son is NOT bullying anyone. He is being harassed because of his family. I think you should go back and meet with the administration again and try to get as much in writing as you can. You should email the principal a recap of the conversation you had in as much detail as you can remember, saying something like, "as I recall our meeting, blah, blah, blah" and then, "is that an accurate representation?" Document, document, document.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man . . . I don't think getting a lawyer involved would be worth the trouble or $. If we're talking about a 1 day suspension, I'd just deal with it, help your son learn his lesson to keep his cool and move on.

The tough thing here is that I'm not sure your son was completely wrong. Sometimes bullies need to be stood up too and ignoring and turning the other cheek don't always work. Maybe role play how you can stand-up for yourself firmly, without name calling or swearing for future use. Also, you have a teaching moment here that sometimes we have to suck-it-up when the ref/ principal/ or others in power make a less than perfect decision. We can't fight everytime we feel aggrieved. The world is unfair sometimes. Because this is a situation where you belive your son was somewhat at fault, I would not want to send the message that this is a case where we get a lawyer.

Short of a lawyer, have you asked for a copy of anti-bullying policy that is being applied. I'd read the policy and make sure their treatment of your son and the other kid complies with the written policy.

I think this is good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man . . . I don't think getting a lawyer involved would be worth the trouble or $. If we're talking about a 1 day suspension, I'd just deal with it, help your son learn his lesson to keep his cool and move on.

The tough thing here is that I'm not sure your son was completely wrong. Sometimes bullies need to be stood up too and ignoring and turning the other cheek don't always work. Maybe role play how you can stand-up for yourself firmly, without name calling or swearing for future use. Also, you have a teaching moment here that sometimes we have to suck-it-up when the ref/ principal/ or others in power make a less than perfect decision. We can't fight everytime we feel aggrieved. The world is unfair sometimes. Because this is a situation where you belive your son was somewhat at fault, I would not want to send the message that this is a case where we get a lawyer.

Short of a lawyer, have you asked for a copy of anti-bullying policy that is being applied. I'd read the policy and make sure their treatment of your son and the other kid complies with the written policy.

OP here:

I am sure my child was in the wrong, we can't just go up to everyone who disrespects us and call them assholes...What if he learned to fall back on this anyway, and called his boss an asshole when he grew up. I have no problem with the fact that my son was punished, just that the other kid seems to have gotten off without any punishment. Its also not something we were not prepared for: we talked with DS several times about respecting others views and ignoring stuff like this. We understand that there are people out there who don't approve of what me and my husband are committed to, and that often they (like some others on our side) are disrespectful towards others, we just have to be able to restrain ourselves from falling to their level and starting petty arguments which end up being winless.

We read the anti-bullying policy that was in the parent handbook (with the phone directory and rules). It pretty much was standard fare, saying that words and actions targeted towards a person with no reason or provocation based on some unchangeable aspect of their personality, appearance, or actions.

[Anonymous]

This other kid engaged in hate speech. Doesn't the school have a policy on that?

[Anonymous]

I would write to the admin and tell the, that upon reading the anti bullying policy, you would like to lodge a formal complaint against the other kid and you'd like to know what they are going to do to stop his behavior. Explain that the other kid used words towards your son with no provocation based on an unchangeable aspect of his family. That might get the other kid punished equally.

Of course, it is kind of ironic that they think your son calling the other kid an asshole is saying something that is unchangeable about that kids personality (if they defined it as bullying according to their own policy)

[Anonymous]

You don't want cussing to be the fall back but sometime it is appropriate. He will be punished at school for it and all I am saying is you don't also have to punish him.

My sons have both been in trouble at school for various things and if I agree with their reaction they take the punishment at school and I provide love and support at home.

For example, you never fight but if somebody is beating up your brother or friend (and this happened) you do not stand there - you stop it - with force if necessary and you take the punishment the school hands out and we (as parents who do not agree with the policy of the school) will support that decision.

Bullying is a big issue becaue the administration has set up rules that punish a person that protects him/herself. The bullies know this - they don't care about being suspended. The good kids "turn the other cheek" - maybe, sometimes, mostly - but not always.

[Anonymous]

I read this yesterday and thought "I would have decked the kid!" Then I shared the story with DH and he said "I think the kid deserves high praise for using words instead of resorting to violence. That's a very mature way to handle the situation."

And the more I think about that, I agree. Using words is better than violence, of course. But in the heat of the moment, for a kid -- a child really -- to make that kind of decision, well, it's impressive all around.

I, personally, would have a hard time disciplining my child (at home) if they stood up to a jerk who insulted my family. [I have a 3 yo DS so admittedly have not faced such issues yet.]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This other kid engaged in hate speech. Doesn't the school have a policy on that?

+1

OP, it doesn't sound to me like this school supports alternative families like yours.

I'd get help from a pro-gay rights group, make a big stink, and find another school. But don't be silent. Stand up for what's right.

You are right that your son should be punished - appropriately - and so should the other child.

You might also get your son involved in a support group. Maybe other kids from same sex couple families could be a support for him. My Unitarian church offers this kind of support. Also I think Pflagg and similar organizations do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would write to the admin and tell the, that upon reading the anti bullying policy, you would like to lodge a formal complaint against the other kid and you'd like to know what they are going to do to stop his behavior. Explain that the other kid used words towards your son with no provocation based on an unchangeable aspect of his family. That might get the other kid punished equally.

Of course, it is kind of ironic that they think your son calling the other kid an asshole is saying something that is unchangeable about that kids personality (if they defined it as bullying according to their own policy)

Moreover-- your son's actions was not unprovoked. Even by the "asshole's" admission he purposely provoked your son. I think the above suggestion is a good one. Write a letter, quote the definition of bullying and then explain that it is your understanding of the facts that that definition applies more strongly to the "asshole" than to your child for the following reasons: First, the bullying definition does not apply to your child's actions because (1) your child was provoked and (2) being an asshole is not unchangeable. The other child's actions appear to fit the bullying definition becasue it was (1) unprovoked and (2) used words that attacked an unchangeable aspect of your son's family.

Ask for a written explanation as to why your son is being punished for bullying and the other child is not. Explain just as you have here that you do not condone your son's use of profanity and agree that some mild reprimand may be appropriate. However, under the circumstances outlined above the unequal treatment of the two boys is inconsistent with the school's own policy and is therefore disturbing.

[Anonymous]

I would seek the advice of a lawyer familiar with gay civil rights issues, particularly if suspension is on the table or any documentation of the incident on the permanent student record. Describe the incident to the lawyer and work with him to shape a letter to the school administration. If anti-gay hatred is part of the equation here, it should be addressed.

But, other PPs are right, you must address privately with your son better ways of dealing with these situations. Losing your temper always undermines the correctness of your position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would write to the admin and tell the, that upon reading the anti bullying policy, you would like to lodge a formal complaint against the other kid and you'd like to know what they are going to do to stop his behavior. Explain that the other kid used words towards your son with no provocation based on an unchangeable aspect of his family. That might get the other kid punished equally.

Of course, it is kind of ironic that they think your son calling the other kid an asshole is saying something that is unchangeable about that kids personality (if they defined it as bullying according to their own policy)

Moreover-- your son's actions was not unprovoked. Even by the "asshole's" admission he purposely provoked your son. I think the above suggestion is a good one. Write a letter, quote the definition of bullying and then explain that it is your understanding of the facts that that definition applies more strongly to the "asshole" than to your child for the following reasons: First, the bullying definition does not apply to your child's actions because (1) your child was provoked and (2) being an asshole is not unchangeable. The other child's actions appear to fit the bullying definition becasue it was (1) unprovoked and (2) used words that attacked an unchangeable aspect of your son's family.

PP ai agree with you, but re: unchangeable -- if OP goes that route he needs to be prepared for the school to come back with "being gay is a choice" therefore changeable therefore comments against it aren't bullying the way that comments against being a certain race are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We read the anti-bullying policy that was in the parent handbook (with the phone directory and rules). It pretty much was standard fare, saying that words and actions targeted towards a person with no reason or provocation based on some unchangeable aspect of their personality, appearance, or actions.

Also, OP, your school's anti-bullying policy is not that great in my opinion. What about kids who torment a kid for having a different haircut? For being unfashionable dressers? Those are both changeable. But it can still be bullying if it is repeated and done in a targeted way.

[Anonymous]

Micah Salb (in Rockville? Bethesda?). Lambda Legal might be a resource, too. That said, I don't think you necessarily want to charge in all lawyered up, or have "strongly worded letters" on firm letterhead written on your behalf. At least not just yet. But I don't think it's a bad thing to have a consult to give you a sense of what your rights may be.

Please let your son know that there's a random lady on the Internet who's proud of him for standing up for your family. That takes character. Not using profanity is an easy lesson to teach and learn. Building character and standing up to unjust words or opinions are much harder tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this yesterday and thought "I would have decked the kid!" Then I shared the story with DH and he said "I think the kid deserves high praise for using words instead of resorting to violence. That's a very mature way to handle the situation."

And the more I think about that, I agree. Using words is better than violence, of course. But in the heat of the moment, for a kid -- a child really -- to make that kind of decision, well, it's impressive all around.

I, personally, would have a hard time disciplining my child (at home) if they stood up to a jerk who insulted my family. [I have a 3 yo DS so admittedly have not faced such issues yet.]

This. I would stand by my son on this. Taking up for yourself is important too. I would also contact the other boy's parents.

[Anonymous]

"I have no problem with the fact that my son was punished, just that the other kid seems to have gotten off without any punishment. "

Life is unfair, but in the end, the other kid is not your problem to worry about. I think your kid should probably find less colorful vocabulary, but I agree with the posters just above me.

As for you... Please calm down. I certainly get why you are upset etc, but lawyers? You are adding an element of hysteria to a situation that really needs calm. You won't come off too well if you enter the principal's office in a threatening way, but will only undermine your own goals. You will end up being someone they see as an adversary, rather than an ally.