Older Son a "Bully", Any Lawyer Recomendations.
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Anonymous
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My son has apparently been bullying kids at school, I just got a call from a vice-principle about it. He's 12, and I find it redicules that they are making a big deal over it. Sure he called someone an asshole, but tbh its probably true, and people need to learn how to deal with people who don't agree with them or like them. The school is talking about suspending him or worse, and I am thinkiong about getting a lawyer, and was wondering if any of you had any lawyers you could suggest.
I feel like this is taking this too far, he expressed an opinion and the kid got upset, too bad. Its notmy sons fault that the kid "bullied"had thin skin and couldn't take one insult. Before you all scream at me: I know my son is at fault, we will be talking about it and punishing him APPROPRIATELY, I just don't think the school should be so harsh over a single incident that was extremely mild, at least in comparison to what I remember from middle/high school (and I was bullied mercilessly, with things ten times worse then "asshole"). I didn't really want to bring this up, but I feel like if I don't I come off as a complete asshole. I am a gay man who adopted DS with my partner years ago, and my son was responding to the "bullied" student telling him that his "F***** fathers were a disgrace to society"... Yeah I feel like a dick for bringing that up, but it is neccisary to look at the whole picture. Both me and my DH have talked to DS about how to handle things like this since he was old enough to really come across it, and we definitly don't think he responded well after hearing the kid put us down, it seems wrong that he is being suspended for calling someone an asshole and the other kid isn't given anything, even though he admits that he said "F***** fathers were a disgrace to society". |
Anonymous
| It sounds totally strange and not like you are getting the full story. There have been NO other incidents and the other kid started it by saying something more offensive? Unless the administration at the school is seriously anti-gay, it just doesn't add up. |
Anonymous
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The other child, in this version, seems to more fill the role of a bully. ""F***** fathers were a disgrace to society"
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Anonymous
+1 -- there must be some history here with your son -- perhaps the admin is using this incident as an excuse. Is this public or private? I don't think getting a lawyer is necessarily the right approach here. I would go into listening mode because there's more to this story. Approach the VP with a problem-solving attitude, saying that you want to work with him to address this incident appropriately. Hear him out. Ask if there have been other problems, or if this is a standalone incident. Ask for documentation. Stay calm and open. If you plan to keep your son at this school, then it would be in everyone's best interest to work with the admin, not against them, at least until it becomes apparent that you can't. |
Anonymous
| I have a 7 year old that was suspended for doing much less worse than what your son did at age 12. Sorry but you shouldn't be teaching your child that 'asshole' is just a way to describing some people who deserve that label. |
Anonymous
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This does seem very fishy. Is this a public or private school? I wonder if the parents of the kid for made the remarks to your child are super pushy and their child possibly blew the incident out of proportion.
I'd want to know if there is history between these two students that the school (or the children) are covering up. I am so sorry that this has happened to your family and I wish you the best! |
Anonymous
| One curse word/name calling does not equal "bully." This doesn't add up. |
Anonymous
OP here: I gave a very shortened version of the story... The other kid has been bothering my son for a while now, never really doing anything as bad as saying what he said today. According to the administration, the reason my son is getting in trouble is because a teacher saw/heard him insult the other kid, and they couldn't prove that the other kid. My son says the other student said to the administration that he told my son that his "Gay fathers were a disgrace to society" not using the other word. Also according to my son, the student did use F***** when he talked to my son. When I asked the vice-principle who called me, he said that all they could corroborate was that the student had stated an opinion on a modern issue and my son had responded in a "bullying and inappropriate" manner. Honestly I'm less pissed at the student, as I know that there are certain people out there who will always not accept me and my family, and we just have to be able to deal with them, which is why I am disappointed in my son, we have talked over this and he should have known to handle it better. I am, however, disappointed that the school is: A) Just believing the other student's version of events, even though my son disputes it and B) Is suspending my son for bullying when it seems like the other student was also going out of his way to bully my son. Honestly, if they both were suspended I would be a lot less angry at this point, I would think that it would be a bit much to suspend either of them, but to only single out my son's outburst for punishment seems wrong. |
Anonymous
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OP again: Its a private school, but not church-based...
As I said, there is history between my son and the other student, but nothing all that awful. Nothing that got either into the principal's office, only a couple of times the teacher had to intervene. Also- I never told my son to use "asshole", ever. I have told him to stay calm and ignore it. As for talking more with the VP: I just spent nearly an hour trying to figure out what was going on talking to the VP... He said that my son shouldn't have "exploded" even had the other student used f*****, as the school didn't want to risk taking someone's right to express their religious or social opinions. Pretty much ended up hitting a brick wall with the administration, and I'm really not sure what to do now. |
Anonymous
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"Stated an opinion on a modern issue"?!?!
That's such an odd way to put it. I would be concerned about the leadership in this school. |
Anonymous
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Man . . . I don't think getting a lawyer involved would be worth the trouble or $. If we're talking about a 1 day suspension, I'd just deal with it, help your son learn his lesson to keep his cool and move on.
The tough thing here is that I'm not sure your son was completely wrong. Sometimes bullies need to be stood up too and ignoring and turning the other cheek don't always work. Maybe role play how you can stand-up for yourself firmly, without name calling or swearing for future use. Also, you have a teaching moment here that sometimes we have to suck-it-up when the ref/ principal/ or others in power make a less than perfect decision. We can't fight everytime we feel aggrieved. The world is unfair sometimes. Because this is a situation where you belive your son was somewhat at fault, I would not want to send the message that this is a case where we get a lawyer. Short of a lawyer, have you asked for a copy of anti-bullying policy that is being applied. I'd read the policy and make sure their treatment of your son and the other kid complies with the written policy. |
Anonymous
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OP, your situation stinks, but honestly, I think a better response would be focusing on your son's behavior rather than talking about getting a lawyer.
As in "Son, what XX said was really wrong. BUT, that doesn't make your response to him okay. Your dad and I think the punishment your school is giving is too harsh, but sometimes in life you encounter situations where you are not in control of the rules. This is one of those times." Obviously, if there is a pattern of the school discriminating against your family, that is one thing. But if a teacher witnessed your son calling another student inappropriate names, and punished him in a way that is consistent with how they have punished other students in similar circumstances, you really don't have much redress. It's unfortunate that the other boy's behavior was not witnessed, but sometimes life isn't fair. Being suspended for a couple days at age 12 is not going to be the end of the world. Yes, express your concerns about the punishment with the school -- but also use this as a teaching lesson for your son (not with the lesson being that when something happens to you that you don't like, your dads will rush in and call a lawyer!). The school will probably be more receptive to you if you go in with this attitude anyway. |
Anonymous
That's about the dumbest thing I've ever heard. "Opinion on current social issues," or whatever BS the VP said aside, the kid told another kid that his parents were disgraces to society - that's a far cry from saying gay marriage is wrong, it's a pointed, direct insult. Far worse than calling someone an asshole, in my opinion. And really - since when is asshole the worst thing you can call someone? Come on. OP, I know you say the history between them is trivial, but I think you have to explore it. I find it impossible to believe that a school would react this way but for some non-trivial back story. |
Anonymous
I'll take it a step further and say that he was completely justified (and, fwiw, correct - the kid is an asshole). It would be interesting to see the response, OP, if you were a traditional family and the other kid said to your som, "Your mother is a whore." Dollars to donuts the administration wouldn;t be so exercised about calling the lother kid an asshole then. |
Anonymous
It's more than odd. It's unacceptable. I could see all kinds of hateful speech springing up unpunished if that's the adminstration's response. |