Friend extremely ticked off about baby sitting situation. . .

[Anonymous]

are there other financial things involved in being part of the bridal party? as in... is this mom friend being resentful of whatever money she has to spend to be part of the wedding, and so the babysitting is the icing on the cake? is she normally really frugal, or is she having financial problems? i don't think it's right, the way she's behaving, but if that were the case it would make more sense.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's understandable that you would obsess about this. Don't worry about being petty and silly. You have done your duty as the bride's friend and have been honest with the rude bridesmaid. Now let her make her own decisions about what to do next (drop out, get a babysitter, complain to bride, etc.). Hope you can enjoy the wedding and getting ready for the new baby! Take care!

[Anonymous]

In your shoes I too would obsess. What I wouldn't do is continue this on email. Pick up the phone and say --let's talk. "You have to know that it really isn't expected for a bridal party to pay for babysitting services so I am wondering if something else is going on." I would continue that if this wedding is not in her budget then she has the right to drop out-it happens all the time but getting angry and trying to force a bride, who is already probably freaking out about her own finances, to take on other people's problems, is just not fair. I again find it hard to believe that a few hundred on a sitter would break the bank --sorry but I can remember being in three weddings at the same time right after college when I was seriously poor and I made it work--I recall deciding that I was going to forgo going out to party with friends for something like two months and I also didn't eat out for a month to make it work because this was a priority. The problem I see, which I brought up earlier, is what I call "bridal amnesia"--this is when someone gets married and has kids and life moves on and they suddenly don't feel like spending money on other people's weddings and forget how exciting and special the engagement time is and how upsetting when you realize that some friends don't consider this a big deal since they are already married or didn't put a priorty on havinga wedding. Suddenly the idea of pulling back on spending because a dear friend gets married is somehow taboo--I have heard things like "we are saving for college"..ahemm college is 18 years away and I am sure a wedding weekend isn't going to forgo junior from going to school to "we just aren't into weddings anymore."

I do think this is stressful and you have a baby on the way so I would just deal with this head on and not be afraid to hear what this person has to say. I think if she continues to go in the vein of "I think I shouldn't have to pay and I don't care." --I would encourage her to politely bow out of this wedding because her pushing this issue is going to really cause a lot of unneccesary drama and who needs that--certainly not you or the bride. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would actually disagree with PP normally but given how preggo you are and emotionally invested you are-I think you won't let this go.. but I do think you're getting yourself riled up (whether or not deservedly) and you need to be relaxed to be part of wedding and give birth rather soon pick your priorities- healthy stress free pregnancy- happy wedding on your part or upset at wedding due to more drama and not relaxed last weeks of pregnancy..

[zumbamama]

Don't bridesmaids have to pay their for own dresses, their own transportation to the wedding, etc. I did! I wouldn't expect anyone to pay my babysitting expenses! Bride has enough to worry about!

[Anonymous]

I know I'm several days late to the "party" and hopefully this has already resolved - happily! - for all involved ... but just wanted to say that I wouldn't suggest encouraging your mom friend to back out of participating in the wedding. Not at all clear to me that the bride would be happier with that than with paying the sitter herself, which, frankly, is just a drop in the bucket of her wedding costs. (Not saying that she SHOULD pay - I think the sitter costs should be borne by the person using the sitter - just that, from the OP's description of the bride, she might well be happier with a keep-the-peace solution than with losing a bridesmaid at this point.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I'm several days late to the "party" and hopefully this has already resolved - happily! - for all involved ... but just wanted to say that I wouldn't suggest encouraging your mom friend to back out of participating in the wedding. Not at all clear to me that the bride would be happier with that than with paying the sitter herself, which, frankly, is just a drop in the bucket of her wedding costs. (Not saying that she SHOULD pay - I think the sitter costs should be borne by the person using the sitter - just that, from the OP's description of the bride, she might well be happier with a keep-the-peace solution than with losing a bridesmaid at this point.)

OP here- I agree with you. Unfortunately this story has a sad ending in my opinion. Our mom friend has decided not to attend the wedding (and therefore not be in the wedding party as a bridesmaid.) One of the other bridesmaids was a little more. . .ah. . .straightforward with her regarding the static she was giving us and the bride about paying for childcare. She did not like being told she was being selfish, etc. She has decided to forego it all.

It is unfortunate really, as the bride is VERY upset. But we are reminding her that something else might be going on, and she needs to focus on the things she has control over at the moment.

[Anonymous]

perhaps there are several kids coming with parents to the wedding adn ther parents could split the bill for one sitter

[Anonymous]

OP-

I'm sorry to hear how things ended with the mom-bridesmaid. I feel sorry for the bride, but frankly, who needs a friend like that - who would forgo attending your wedding b/c she was too cheap to pay for her own babysitter??!! She sounds selfish & lame to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-

I'm sorry to hear how things ended with the mom-bridesmaid. I feel sorry for the bride, but frankly, who needs a friend like that - who would forgo attending your wedding b/c she was too cheap to pay for her own babysitter??!! She sounds selfish & lame to me.

OP here again- You know what? I absolutely agree with you too. It is liberating to say that, as this is annoymous. Since this fiasco has started, my husband and I have thought this about the parties involved, but would NEVER vocalize it to others. I am so fed it with it all, that I personally will not miss her presence. I might feel differently when we are all together, and it is a notable absence. But right now? Not so much.

Hell, maybe I am just way to pregnant to put up with any sh*t right now.

[Anonymous]

12:43 here again. Really sorry to hear that. I tend to think people are not so good-or-evil as many of the posters here seem to think. A "good riddance" attitude to a friend close enough to invite to be a bridesmaid doesn't seem likely to me. Though I think the etiquette rules are pretty clear here, I don't think it's so uncommon for bridal couples to assume this expense (more often through a "group" babysitter for all kids than through suggesting sitters) as to be ridiculous for your mom friend to have gotten the wrong idea. We don't know how their conversations went, a misunderstanding is not so far-fetched. And I can also see a new mom who is generally exhausted and frustrated (her baby is less than 5 months old! mine still wasn't sleeping at that point, and even if he had been, I don't think I would have been at my most pleasant and/or rational ...) feeling ganged up on by her friends, accused of being a terrible person, no longer feeling comfortable with my other bridesmaid friends or even welcome at the wedding, and just deciding to opt out as the easier course ... (Being called selfish? Not inviting.) OK, Not admirable, sure, but maybe understandable.
Unless you think everyone's position is so hardened at this point that there is no way for there to be movement or reconciliation, I might encourage the bride to reach out to the new mom and have a heart-to-heart talk - maybe even apologize for misunderstanding, tell her she values her friendship and participation in the wedding - maybe suggest splitting the costs? Seems to me that both new moms and about-to-be-brides can be in very emotional places and that both of them would want the long-term friendship to outlast the temporary stresses (yes, both very happy events, mothering and marrying, but also, both very very stressful, too!).

[Anonymous]

That is a very kind and sympathetic way to think about it. I have to admit that I feel like the mom is being selfish, but maybe she is having PPD or other issues that no one else knows about.

I hope that everyone can become friends again and come to a happy place!

[Anonymous]

I just have to note here that the bridal couple IS responsible for the accomodations for the out of town members of the wedding party - whether that means finding relatives and friends for them to stay with or paying for a hotel. This is the proper etiquette - See Emily Post on Weddings (more recent wedding etiquette books are unreliable IMHO) . That said, it is not the responsibility to pay for a babysitter. I imagine Emily Post would not have considered that 1.) a bridesmaid would have a child or 2.) want to bring the child to a formal wedding weekend. Perhpas the bridesmaid in this case got confused between paying for accomodations and paying for babysitting. She might have lumped it together. I do prefer to give her the benefit of the doubt but I have to admit that the only other conclusion is that she is a rude and self-centered person (and cheap).