Friend extremely ticked off about baby sitting situation. . .

[Anonymous]

OP- who are you closer to? babysitter woman or bride? it sounds like bride.. pick a side since it sounds like it's something that you are of course emotionally involved- and then stick to it- and then ask yourself - five years from now- let's say woman with baby isn't your friend- does that hurt you? is she a good friend? does that outweigh your interviening and helping your bride friend? If you think your babysitter friend is a great friends- then let them battle it out- just because you think it should not be the bride etc.- does not mean the bride thinks that way-OR is so strong in opinion. It's her deal- let her deal with this.

I think the part of the other bridesmaids picking it up is tacky- only reinforces the woman's view that her being there is super special. It's not about her- it's about the bride- don't feed some narcissistic person.

[Anonymous]

Here's the catch, our friend with the child wants to come, wants the sitter to watch her child in the hotel room, and expects the bride to pay for it. She feels it is extremely tacky for her NOT to. She assumed this would be the case until I cautioned her that maybe she would be expected to pay for the sitter. Hell, I would! She plans on demanding (her words) that the bride pay.

Let her think it's tacky. Anyone she mentions it to will think she's the tacky one. Let her demand it from the bride. The only catch is that if this person is as rude as she sounds, she may just stiff the babysitter and tell the sitter to get paid from the bride later. If that happens, it will happen after the wedding is over and your friend (the bride) can pay the sitter if she has to w/out having her pre-wedding day planning clouded w/this silliness.

Or, you (or the bride) could bring the issue up directly with the sitter and when the "friend" calls the sitter to schedule a time, the sitter could inform the "friend" that she needs to discuss her rate and who will be paying her. That way, the "friend" has no choice but to agree to pay the sitter or not attend the wedding.

[Anonymous]

I just went to my SISTER'S wedding and I was matron of honor. I paid my own way for babysitter. The friend is being ridiculous. Unless the bride said she is going to pay, people should assume they need to pay. It would be like thinking that is the bride gives you a lost of local hotels and restaurants that the bride is paying. Friend should be glad to have a pre-vetted list of babysitters. The alternative is that she should leave baby at home with grandparents or maybe husband will not be able to attend.


I am torn as to what to do. Looks like you are already in the middle of this. Hopefully, bride stands up for herself. If not, you should NOT pay. That is enabling behavior. This "friend" does not sound like a true friend and all of you should dump her until she stops being so selfish and self-centered.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone else, but here's what I would do...

I would not call the sitter. That would be injecting yourself into a business relationship that you really have nothing to do with.

I WOULD call the bride and give her a heads up. If she's easily bullied, you could brainstorm with her about polite but firm ways to tell friend #3 she has to cover the cost herself. Or, perhaps she would rather just pick up the tab and avoid the angst. That's her call. Be there to support her, give her your opinion if she asks... but ultimately it sounds like this is going to get to her sooner or later, so its probably better that she's prepared.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should really truly just disentangle yourself from this mess. You are crazy to be pushing yourself into the middle of it. We women have a way of involving ourselves in other people's business in situations like this, but it just doesn't have anything to do with you. YOU don't owe the mommy bridesmaid anything. And if she actually has the audacity to come to you asking you to pay for her babysitting, then just say no in a polite way. And for goodness sake don't go offering to the bride or anyone that you (or other bridesmaids) might be willing to pick up the tab. That's ridiculous.

If they happen to ask your opinion, just simply say that the mommy should pay for her child's care, that they should work it out between themselves, and then change the subject. Remember it's not your child or your wedding. Don't let this turn into gossip/drama fest. Just disengage -- it's seriously not your problem in ANY WAY. When you have children, you take on the responsibility --- ALWAYS --- of taking care of them yourself or paying someone else to take care of them. Sorry, but mommy bridesmaid does not get any special exemption from this rule.

The the bride and the mommy should sort this out on their own. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should really truly just disentangle yourself from this mess. You are crazy to be pushing yourself into the middle of it. We women have a way of involving ourselves in other people's business in situations like this, but it just doesn't have anything to do with you. YOU don't owe the mommy bridesmaid anything. And if she actually has the audacity to come to you asking you to pay for her babysitting, then just say no in a polite way. And for goodness sake don't go offering to the bride or anyone that you (or other bridesmaids) might be willing to pick up the tab. That's ridiculous.

If they happen to ask your opinion, just simply say that the mommy should pay for her child's care, that they should work it out between themselves, and then change the subject. Remember it's not your child or your wedding. Don't let this turn into gossip/drama fest. Just disengage -- it's seriously not your problem in ANY WAY. When you have children, you take on the responsibility --- ALWAYS --- of taking care of them yourself or paying someone else to take care of them. Sorry, but mommy bridesmaid does not get any special exemption from this rule.

The the bride and the mommy should sort this out on their own. Period.

I appreciate your comments and hear you. I am normally one who tries her best to not get in the middle of situations and let people "fight their own battles." My dilemma here, is that I really think the bride needs an advocate. The sitter is booked, and our friend is going to approach the bride with how much it costs, and expect her to pay for it. And the bride will. Without any intervention, this will happen. And maybe it should. I just know how I was on my wedding day, and it wasn't the time for me to suddenly grow a backbone.

It sounds like a small deal, but it is becoming a big one. We are not small minded, gossipy women, yet this is becoming one of those, "Can you BELIEVE the nerve of her?" None of us needs that right along now. It should be a stressful situation. I just wish the mom wasn't digging her heals in so much. I wish she would be the bigger person here so it wasn't an issue.

Out of curiousity, how much might it cost for the sitter to watch the child 5-11 on Friday, 11 am-2 pm on Saturday, and 5 pm to midnight Saturday night? I know we don't know rates, but I am clueless. 16 hours total not counting tip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again-

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I do feel a bit anxious just because I don't want S. to approach the bride with this. As I said, I know the bride will pick up the tab or feel guilty if we tell her not to.

So I am going to explain to our friend with the child that it is NOT customary for the bride or her parents to pay for the babysitting. And also explain that it is going to be a bit pricier than what she is used to (she pays 7.00 an hour at home, the rate for those on the list is much higher I am sure.) Maybe explain that she should be prepared to take care of it, and we will help her if she needs it. But NOT to approach the bride with it!!

Maybe someone was gracious enough to cover this for her at another wedding and she mistakenly believes this is how it works? Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, while becoming increasingly pissed off with her attitude and insensitivity. taking deep breaths. . .

Given everything you've mentioned about this situation, this seems like a decent plan. Tell the friend what you think and don't involve the bride. But after you've had your say, don't do anything more. Let things work themselves out and enjoy the wedding as best you can. You can't control the response of the rude friend.

[Anonymous]

warn the bride.

when friend with child asks...all bride has to say is "There must have been a misunderstanding/miscommunication. I'm afraid I can't cover the cost of babysitting, I have many expenses to take care of". She might als tell the friend to forgo getting her a gift to help defray the cost of the sitter. I wouldn't want a gift from someone who makes these types of assumptions anyway!

[Anonymous]

If you're in the DC area, babysitting is at least $10/hour and many babysitters ask for $15. So 16 hours is at least $160, if not $240.

[Anonymous]

The messenger always gets shot first. DO NOT get in the middle of this, or you might lose both friends. She should pay for her own babysitter, by the way. The bride is certainly under NO obligation to pay.

[Anonymous]

I think you should approach friend directly and tell her point blank that she is not to contact the bride on this matter because the bride has enough stress going on in her life and that she absolutely has to pay for the sitter --I would also ask her if she paid for sitters at her own wedding since I am pretty sure someone as cheap as her isn't so free with her own money unless of course her parents were footing the bill so she didn't care about their expenses. Bottom line is that I disagree about involvement--it's so easy to just say "not my business" but if you are a caring friend and see another friend getting exploited because she is sooooooooo nice, you should help her. I think we hear so many stories about the selfish bride on this site but no one seems to care when a bride is completely taken advantage of. If I sound annoyed it's because I was one of the "taken advantage of brides" and I would have loved if I had had some advocates. If this person gets mad at you she is not a friend but hopefully she will see your point and back off. I would also say that if two nights of babysitting has completely thrown off her financial budget she most likely shouldn't be allocating funds toward a wedding anyway--my gut thought is that she is just trying to minimize her investment in this social event which is sooooooooo lame since she seems to be another married mom who now doesn't care about other people's weddings since they aren't her own. Good luck!! Also, if she gets nasty--have her look at this site so maybe she will understand that everyone thinks she is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should approach friend directly and tell her point blank that she is not to contact the bride on this matter because the bride has enough stress going on in her life and that she absolutely has to pay for the sitter --I would also ask her if she paid for sitters at her own wedding since I am pretty sure someone as cheap as her isn't so free with her own money unless of course her parents were footing the bill so she didn't care about their expenses. Bottom line is that I disagree about involvement--it's so easy to just say "not my business" but if you are a caring friend and see another friend getting exploited because she is sooooooooo nice, you should help her. I think we hear so many stories about the selfish bride on this site but no one seems to care when a bride is completely taken advantage of. If I sound annoyed it's because I was one of the "taken advantage of brides" and I would have loved if I had had some advocates. If this person gets mad at you she is not a friend but hopefully she will see your point and back off. I would also say that if two nights of babysitting has completely thrown off her financial budget she most likely shouldn't be allocating funds toward a wedding anyway--my gut thought is that she is just trying to minimize her investment in this social event which is sooooooooo lame since she seems to be another married mom who now doesn't care about other people's weddings since they aren't her own. Good luck!! Also, if she gets nasty--have her look at this site so maybe she will understand that everyone thinks she is crazy.

OP here- I agree with all of this. Update. . .I sent a carefully crafted email to our friend incorporating many of the suggestions noted in this thread. Radio silence. We will see. I hadn't considered the fact that she might be TRYING to be difficult but that very well could be the case. So we will just continue to minimize and shield the bride from as much as we can. She and her husband are paying for this wedding, and it is a nice one. They are certainly not poor, but it isn't as if they have lots of money to throw around. They are good people, and just want it to be nice and stressfree for their guests. But as we have all come to the conclusion, that does NOT extend to taking care of sitters beyond vetting and compiling the list of providers!

[Anonymous]

OP---Any reply yet??

[Anonymous]

The thing that stinks is that your friend (the bride) got into this problem because she was kind enough to look/vet babysitting options and your other friend saw an opening to take this and run with this i.e. hmmm since she is procuring sitters, she can also pay for them. It really is sad and I feel a little guilty that I have such a poor visualation of this friend of yours since there has to be some good qualities for you to actually like her? If deep down she is a nice person then sometimes taking brutal advice will be welcomed at some point. Haven't we all had to hear unpleasant things about ourselves at some point and then later on thought--wow..right on..I guess I do said things sometimes and apparently it hasn't gone unnoticed. Hopefully all this drama will pass and you guys will be able to laugh this off at some point.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I feel slightly guilty airing our little group's dirty laundry so publicly, but doubt our friends or wedding guests frequent here. Hope not.

I heard back from our mom friend right before heading out to get lunch. In the email I sent this morning, I explained that the bride had simply meant to assist with finding babysitters, not to pay for them. And also appealed to our friends' sense of decency. . .even if she had been willing to pay, wouldn't the gracious thing be to cover it anyway? (I keep making this point, but the bride is so very thoughtful and generous. I know for a fact that all of us bridesmaids are receiving gift baskets in our rooms with monogramed robes, slippers, and champagne with the the couple's wedding date on the label. Her mom let this slip to me. . .) I digress.

Our friend said that the bride had mislead her, that if it indeed going to cost a couple hundred dollars then she might not be able to attend, as she can't get childcare in Philly on that short notice.

Wow. I don't know what is going on, but I am wondering if our friend has some stresses/situations she is not sharing, and just doesn't want to come to the wedding now? I know we can't presume to know the exact details about our friends' finances, but I never would have thought a couple hundred dollars would be prohibitive in the sense of her not being able to come because of that.

Thanks to those who have offered advice and followed the drama. I know it all sounds tedious and thankfully you can drop out of this thread if you have come to the conclusion that it is petty and sillly (kind of is.) I am 28 days from delivering my first baby, and work has basically stopped giving me projects. So I seem to be occupying my time with this, and spending way too much time on this website.