Fiancé w/ ED - should I stay?

[Anonymous]

So erectile dysfunction is something you're willing to end a relationship over. That's not a problem. The problem is that you knew he had erectile dysfunction and that you chose to make a lifelong commitment to this man by reproducing with him. Now you are contemplating ending the relationship and denying your child a two-parent home over a malfunctioning penis that you knew about when you let your partner ejaculate inside of you?!!?!?!?

I'm sorry, you're an idiot.

[Anonymous]

PP, you have a point. But I think there is a difference between a "malfunctioning penis" and what OP is going through.

One can know that a partner has a sexual problem and accommodate it by providing more foreplay, or putting up with sex say once a week instead of the 2-3 times a week one would prefer, or with sex that is occasionally one-sided (i.e. he will go down on you but no intercourse.)

OP could not have known, when she got pregnant by her fiance, that he would refuse to sleep with her through her entire pregnancy, or that instead of confronting his worsening ED and probably other, psychological, problems with sex, he would just continue freezing her out after the baby was born.

Should she have been less patient? After 1 month of no sex, should she have gotten an abortion and moved out? Was she wrong to hope that, after the baby was born, things would go back to their former, less than ideal, but acceptable way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, you have a point. But I think there is a difference between a "malfunctioning penis" and what OP is going through.

One can know that a partner has a sexual problem and accommodate it by providing more foreplay, or putting up with sex say once a week instead of the 2-3 times a week one would prefer, or with sex that is occasionally one-sided (i.e. he will go down on you but no intercourse.)

OP could not have known, when she got pregnant by her fiance, that he would refuse to sleep with her through her entire pregnancy, or that instead of confronting his worsening ED and probably other, psychological, problems with sex, he would just continue freezing her out after the baby was born.

Should she have been less patient? After 1 month of no sex, should she have gotten an abortion and moved out? Was she wrong to hope that, after the baby was born, things would go back to their former, less than ideal, but acceptable way?

He has a physical and psychological block up for having sex. He acknowledges that it's a problem, but can't force himself to do it, so he has made an appointment to see a doctor.

What more can he do? Is that not enough for right now? Can the OP not wait and see what progress is made after the doctor's appointment before thinking of ending things?

I just can't understand why people think making a baby is a less serious commitment than getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I just can't understand why people think making a baby is a less serious commitment than getting married.

And that's really what bothers you, doesn't it? Not the way OP is dealing with her boyfriend's problem, but the fact that, at some point in the past, she made a decision to have a baby with someone even though she wasn't sure yet that she wanted to be with that person for the rest of her natural life.

Personally, I think making a baby is absolutely a bigger commitment than marriage. But it is a commitment to love and care for that child, not a commitment to maintain a romantic relationship with the child's other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I just can't understand why people think making a baby is a less serious commitment than getting married.

And that's really what bothers you, doesn't it? Not the way OP is dealing with her boyfriend's problem, but the fact that, at some point in the past, she made a decision to have a baby with someone even though she wasn't sure yet that she wanted to be with that person for the rest of her natural life.

Personally, I think making a baby is absolutely a bigger commitment than marriage. But it is a commitment to love and care for that child, not a commitment to maintain a romantic relationship with the child's other parent.

More than just that bothers me. But yes, I do find it problematic and it's strange that you would take issue with that. And it's not just the rest of her natural life- the kid was just born and she's already thinking of bailing.

I am mystified by people- both male and female- who choose to reproduce with their partners knowing that the relationship has significant problems, and then decide to end the relationship soon after the child is born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are domestic partners and just had a baby. He is overall a good man and father who helps out a lot. He is 10 yrs older than I am. I knew of bouts of ED however now he says it's gotten worst. I should preface that we haven't had sex through my entire pregnancy bc he thought it was weird although I question whether the ED was the root of him thinking like that. Prior to my pregnancy sex was ok and not very frequent. Not that I'm a nymph but I'm affectionate and need Human contact with the man I love it seems more than he. After having gotten the green light at my postpartum check up I thought he would be enthused and didn't understand why he didn't basically attack me after so long ... After several attempts to try and talk to him bc I thought it was me he finally opened up about hIs concern. Part of me feels bad but the other part of me feels like he's not doing enough to consider how I feel. He has made an appt w a doc for this problem but we don't even have any intimacy
Whatsoever ... I have turned into a bitter and moody person not to mention sexually frustrated ... Am I horrible in contemplating whether I should commit to someone who has this problem? Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated

Leave you are shallow. I remained with a man for over a decade who probably had ED. I finally had to leave because he refused to ask a doctor, refused to get help, refused to acknowledge a problem. This one has opened up to you, told you the truth, and you think you might should leave and post here? Git!

[Anonymous]

@11:22

glad I'm not married to you, my wife has had medication-related issues that have turned her off for some time... we've been married 23 yrs. (I'm 56), still love each other and have physical attraction, and Ihave a perpetual boner for her yet have never strayed nor have I seriously considered it though I am deeply unsatisfied at the level of our physical intimacy ...

guess some of you never heard of "for better or for worse", I would have never considered hooking up w a co-worker, etc.... or at least would not have done it even if I considered it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had a similar problem with DH. This is what I did

1. Get him to go down on you as often as you need. He has a responsibility to meet your sexual needs. He is not to be blamed for ED, but he can perform oral to satisfy you.

2. I hooked up with a co-worker in the interim as step 1 takes a long time. If you are not sexually satisfied in the interim you would get very stressed. DH did not know about my hookups but it helped me to be more understanding of his ED problem.

Now, DH does not have this problem any more and we are much closer now.

Yuck.

[Anonymous]

I would not stay with someone with ED...... No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not stay with someone with ED...... No way.

Good for you. But be true about this statement with every potential love interest. Lay the ground rules. I love you until ... Just don't be surprised with the type of partner that will accept this rule

[Anonymous]

OP, You need to count on the situation not improving. If he is unwilling to pleasure you in non-penetrative ways that will not change. Can you live with that forever? DH has gone down on me once and we have sex 8-10 times in a good year. We will not get divorced but it is hard. It requires a daily recommitment. But you will be okay if you reach the point where you believe that marriage is not about happiness and that its meaningfulness derives from the abiding pain and disappointment.

[Anonymous]

If you love him and he is a good partner, of course you should stay. Personally I would just get a lover on the side. If your partner can't satisfy you, find someone who can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, You need to count on the situation not improving. If he is unwilling to pleasure you in non-penetrative ways that will not change. Can you live with that forever? DH has gone down on me once and we have sex 8-10 times in a good year. We will not get divorced but it is hard. It requires a daily recommitment. But you will be okay if you reach the point where you believe that marriage is not about happiness and that its meaningfulness derives from the abiding pain and disappointment.

[b]

Depressing Have you cheated? Not judging, just curious. I couldn't live like that.

[Anonymous]

NP - Perhaps your post didn't well articulate the real problem - is it that your partner has ED or that you lack intimacy in your relationship? You can definitely improve the intimacy in your relationship but if ED is still a problem then you're going to have to decide what you can live with it happily or not.

My relationship with my DH started of differently than yours - we had lots of passion. But, my DH suffers from depression and I could always tell when he was starting to cycle through it because he would withdraw and have no interest in intimacy but sometimes he would be very interested in sex. Over the course of 15 years, his depression profoundly affected our relationship. Had my DH not been willing to work to control his depression, we would have divorced. He wasn't sad but he was very distant and we had little to no intimacy when he was cycling. Working with a psychologist was not particularly effective - for him, medication is effective. Two years ago, he had to change medications because what he was taking was no longer effective. Unfortunately, the new medication, while effective, negative impacts his ability to maintain an erection. It's been disappointing for both of us but in no way jeopordizes our relationship or how we feel about each other because we're able to maintain intimacy.

I suggest you and your partner look beyond the ED issue and see if there is anything underlying it that can be mitigated. If there, you have the opportunity to improve the quality of your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here ... This is very hard for me as I feel like I've been supportive and have always believed in communication to be vital. The problem is his lack of communication about this issue and his "it is what it is" attitude. When I try to talk to him about it it's like pulling teeth. He doesn't seem to realize how hard it is for me, after all there are 2 people in a relationship. He's been on meds before and doesn't like the way they make him feel. What's hurtful is that he doesn't initiate any intimacy at all and I would initiate but I'm scared of rejection. He also takes other med for his bp which is likely a culprit of the ED. It is only recently that I have felt bitter and perhaps that's the wrong word to use, having just had a baby I don't exactly feel sexy and along with his issue has made me feel very lonely and it has also affected my self esteem which I've never had an issue with... Although he insists it's not me and that he loves me I can't help but think he doesn't want me. I am supportive and would be more if I saw him trying just a little, or open up to me a little. As I said before this problem has gotten worst and it's hard to imagine my life without sex with the man I love.

Op that's very sad. If your partner were rejecting you/refusing to connect with you in any way BESIDES sex, most people would say that's not acceptable. He has an obligation to be responsive to your needs. Your feelings matter, too.
So he can't have intercourse with you. That doesn't mean it's OK for him to shut down, shut you out, and refuse to be emotionally intimate and communicative with you.

You and he need couples therapy and he needs to work on this relationship, whether he has ED or not.