Forum Index
»
Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Fiancé w/ ED - should I stay?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
We are domestic partners and just had a baby. He is overall a good man and father who helps out a lot. He is 10 yrs older than I am. I knew of bouts of ED however now he says it's gotten worst. I should preface that we haven't had sex through my entire pregnancy bc he thought it was weird although I question whether the ED was the root of him thinking like that. Prior to my pregnancy sex was ok and not very frequent. Not that I'm a nymph but I'm affectionate and need Human contact with the man I love it seems more than he. After having gotten the green light at my postpartum check up I thought he would be enthused and didn't understand why he didn't basically attack me after so long ... After several attempts to try and talk to him bc I thought it was me he finally opened up about hIs concern. Part of me feels bad but the other part of me feels like he's not doing enough to consider how I feel. He has made an appt w a doc for this problem but we don't even have any intimacy
Whatsoever ... I have turned into a bitter and moody person not to mention sexually frustrated ... Am I horrible in contemplating whether I should commit to someone who has this problem? Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated |
Anonymous
|
Why don't *you* talk to someone about your turning bitter and moody and discover ways in which you can be supportive to him while he is having these problems. Your bitterness and moodiness could very well be a factor in his not wanting to attack you in the manner in which you feel you are deserving.
If you are in a true partnership ANY health problems are *both of your* problem, not just his or yours. If you dont want to commit to him because of this, perhaps for the sake of everyone involved--especially him and your child--you shouldn't. Note: If you had said that you have both been going to therapy and you have been constructively trying to help him my answer would be different. |
TheManWithAUsername
Member Offline
Member Offline
Yes.* I think having a baby with him was already much more of a commitment than marrying him, so your whole perspective is bizarre. Sex is very important to me, but if my wife suffered some disability, my first thought wouldn't be to leave her. If I learned that through no fault of her own we could not have sex anymore, leaving her for that reason would never enter my mind. Maybe you should think about helping him with his problem before you think of ditching him. Of course, if your mind goes right there, I suspect a committed relationship probably isn't for you. And if you're going to ditch him, it would be kinder to do it sooner, so that he can try to find a real partner. Man, what a depressing post. I feel dirty. * I wouldn't have made this judgment if you hadn't asked. BTW, it's not horrible that you're this selfish; it's horrible that you got this man to have a child with you probably without revealing to him how little you were willing to sacrifice for the relationship. Now he's stuck in this gigantic mess with you. |
Anonymous
| Read the posts from men whose wives have lost interest in sex. |
Anonymous
| OP - you're not horrible. It's a valid concern. I suspect the lack of sex is not as disturbing as the lack of intimacy or physical contact. That's something he does have control over. Good luck. |
Anonymous
Great point. I know that the sexual needs of men and women or different but I hate it when women are told to "suck it up" or to "fake it, until your make it", but men are told to "leave her" or have an affair. Your DH needs to take steps to address his issues - gosh, they have pills for what ails him. He just needs to take himself to a doctor and get checked out. |
Anonymous
|
My husband and I are going through a similar situation. He is suffering from ED, as a result of stress, health, and medication he takes, which is very hard for me. He went to speak with a psychologist, which helped. We may go together, since it is something both of us need to address. He is also planning on speaking with his doctor about it.
BTW, it took us about 6 months to get to this point. I was trying to be very patient, but also found myself getting bitter. I think that having a serious talk about it helped my husband realize how serious it is to me, and he addressed it. |
Anonymous
|
what is ed?
|
Anonymous
|
erectile dysfunction
|
Anonymous
My first thought reading this is that he deserves better than you, so in a sense if he were to leave you that would be a good thing but maybe he won't because he's a good father etc. But truly, if that's the biggest problem you have then he probably deserves better. My DH has had ED for most of our relationship and we make do. He's a wonderful husband and a wonderful father and I love him more than ever. The thought of leaving him because of that seems, uh....absurd? Frankly, you remind me of Newt Gingrich. |
Anonymous
| I don't think that ED is the problem here. It is the fact that he is denying you all other forms of intimacy because of it (or so he says) that is the real issue. Add to that infrequent sex before the pregnancy and NO SEX AT ALL during pregnancy and I am surprised you stayed with this person for as long as you did. It is possible he is just not a very sexual person or not attracted to you, but in that case if he still wants to be with you he should be sensitive to your needs, perhaps even let you meet those needs elsewhere, instead of coming up with outlandish excuses (can't have sex with my own pregnant girlfriend 'case that's "weird" (huh?) have the kind of ED that affects my tongue and fingers too (double huh?)) |
Anonymous
This. Where is the snuggling? |
Anonymous
|
Who wants to snuggle a bitter moody bitch? I say this as someone formerly in your shoes--I was with a man w/sexual challenges, shall we say. I gave him no sympathy or even took a minute out of my life to understand where he was coming from. Which pushed him away even more and made him want to be even less physcial with me than we already were. Turns out that he felt awful because his whole life he had been taught (through the mass media, friends, etc,) that men are supposed to be horny, randy freaks who will fuck anything that moves. And because he wasn't able to do so...he felt like less of a man. He felt very uncomfortable disucssing this with me--with anyone. And my saying things along the lines of "you suck, you won't even fuck me" didn't help at all. I would never admit this to him (if I ever saw him again, that is) but I was clearly part of the problem after a while. I took a bad situation and made it worse due to my lack of understanding.
What is terrible is that had it been a health problem other than sexual, or if something had happened like a car accident that left him incapable of having sex I would have been much more understanding. |
Anonymous
| Have you read or seen Lady Chatterley's Lover? A young woman has needs. This is what happens when you get with someone too young for you. It is a fact of life. |
Anonymous
A. Read the original post. He's already going to the doctor. B. Most men would not leave a wife they love just because she could not have sex. That's the truth. This board has had posts about what to do with a wife who refuses to have sex. Not the same thing. At all. |