Fiancé w/ ED - should I stay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that ED is the problem here. It is the fact that he is denying you all other forms of intimacy because of it (or so he says) that is the real issue.

This.

Where is the snuggling?

He's withdrawing because he's got ED and it's scary and causing him massive anxiety. He'll work through that with help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that ED is the problem here. It is the fact that he is denying you all other forms of intimacy because of it (or so he says) that is the real issue. Add to that infrequent sex before the pregnancy and NO SEX AT ALL during pregnancy and I am surprised you stayed with this person for as long as you did. It is possible he is just not a very sexual person or not attracted to you, but in that case if he still wants to be with you he should be sensitive to your needs, perhaps even let you meet those needs elsewhere, instead of coming up with outlandish excuses (can't have sex with my own pregnant girlfriend 'case that's "weird" (huh?) have the kind of ED that affects my tongue and fingers too (double huh?))

Great message. Sorry your dick doesn't work, why don't you service me so at least one of us can be happy. I'd like my oral now. Or I could take a lover and leave you alone.

He'll get back in action with help as long as you don't make him feel worthless like the PP suggests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that ED is the problem here. It is the fact that he is denying you all other forms of intimacy because of it (or so he says) that is the real issue. Add to that infrequent sex before the pregnancy and NO SEX AT ALL during pregnancy and I am surprised you stayed with this person for as long as you did. It is possible he is just not a very sexual person or not attracted to you, but in that case if he still wants to be with you he should be sensitive to your needs, perhaps even let you meet those needs elsewhere, instead of coming up with outlandish excuses (can't have sex with my own pregnant girlfriend 'case that's "weird" (huh?) have the kind of ED that affects my tongue and fingers too (double huh?))

Great message. Sorry your dick doesn't work, why don't you service me so at least one of us can be happy. I'd like my oral now. Or I could take a lover and leave you alone.

He'll get back in action with help as long as you don't make him feel worthless like the PP suggests.

I am only being so hard on the guy because it sounds like the OP has already shown remarkable sensitivity and patience. Now if she berates him (like the PP who described being in that situation), i.e. "what's wrong with you, you won't even fuck me, etc." then I would feel sorry for him. But OP put up with no sex for nine months for a terrible reason, and when the excuse was gone (she was no longer pregnant) and the man who supposedly loves her still wouldn't have sex with her, instead of getting angry at the douche bag, she sat down with him and probed his issues.

After everything he has put her through, does she owe it to him to keep trying? Maybe. But he sure as hell owes her a big apology. And if I were her, I would certainly postpone the wedding until the prognosis was a bit clearer. Children grow up just fine with two loving parents who had an amicable breakup and moved on to happier relationships. Even more so if it happened before the child was old enough to remember. But add a few more years of bitterness and a messy divorce (that the child will have to witness) and who knows...

[Anonymous]

PP does not sound like she is being remarkable sensitive/patient at all. She admitted that she is being moody and unpleasant. If that is how she sees herself (likely through rose colored glasses, which is how we all see ourselves), how do you imagine he sees her?

[Anonymous]

I really feel like most of these replies are from men with ED here... Personally I think if you love him and have a baby with him and want to stay, fine, but do like men do and get a lover on the side. Sex is very important, and it's not like most men would stay in a sexless marriage without getting a side piece.

[TheManWithAUsername]

Anonymous wrote:I really feel like most of these replies are from men with ED here...

Is that how you "feel?" Maybe you should try thinking sometimes instead. I guess if you just go with your gut, it's hard to imagine that others might have opinions on ethics that have nothing to do with their personal situations and interests.

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think if you love him and have a baby with him and want to stay, fine, but do like men do and get a lover on the side.

Good plan. That should put them right in the middle of the road to marital bliss.

Anonymous wrote:Sex is very important, and it's not like most men would stay in a sexless marriage without getting a side piece.

Stats, please.

Regardless, how does what most men (or most anything) would do inform her decision on what she should do? She should aim for average morality and no better?

[Anonymous]

Most men would not leave a wife because she is unable to have sex. They would have an affair and eventually leave her for another woman. But that's not important right now.

OP, do all you can to get counseling and medical help for your mate. If he can't get an erection there are other ways he can hold you and even satisfy you if he's willing to try. You owe it to all the people in your family to try very hard to work this out.

[TheManWithAUsername]

Anonymous wrote:Most men would not leave a wife because she is unable to have sex. They would have an affair and eventually leave her for another woman.

It's weird; I know lots of men, but somehow I still don't believe myself qualified to make this kind of generalization. Good thing there are posters available here to give us all the straight dope.

[Anonymous]

Suggestion: Think about more than your sexual urges.

This is a man who is dealing with a lot. From your very short post, you've outlined that you just had a baby so both of you are adjusting to that and he is also experiencing something which is probably devastating to him. Your "moodiness and nagging" are probably the last thing he needs right now.

OK, onto to the next point. Should you commit to the father of your child even though he has ED? If you're smart enough to detect the sarcasm in my question, you could probably figure out the answer. Somehow, I'm guessing you're not, so I'll just tell you. HELL YES. You're a mother now, and your sexual needs do not trump the need for your child to have both parents in his/her life. Grow up.

I'm a single mom and would give anything for my child to have both parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suggestion: Think about more than your sexual urges.

This is a man who is dealing with a lot. From your very short post, you've outlined that you just had a baby so both of you are adjusting to that and he is also experiencing something which is probably devastating to him. Your "moodiness and nagging" are probably the last thing he needs right now.

OK, onto to the next point. Should you commit to the father of your child even though he has ED? If you're smart enough to detect the sarcasm in my question, you could probably figure out the answer. Somehow, I'm guessing you're not, so I'll just tell you. HELL YES. You're a mother now, and your sexual needs do not trump the need for your child to have both parents in his/her life. Grow up.

I'm a single mom and would give anything for my child to have both parents.

This guy may or may not deserve your compassion for everything he is dealing with. And if OP can find it in her heart to keep trying to fix their relationship or forego sex for the rest of her life for her child's sake, more power to her. But if he is the sort of man who would disappear from his child's life just because the mother does not want to be married to him any more, the child is better off without him.

[Anonymous]

OP here ... This is very hard for me as I feel like I've been supportive and have always believed in communication to be vital. The problem is his lack of communication about this issue and his "it is what it is" attitude. When I try to talk to him about it it's like pulling teeth. He doesn't seem to realize how hard it is for me, after all there are 2 people in a relationship. He's been on meds before and doesn't like the way they make him feel. What's hurtful is that he doesn't initiate any intimacy at all and I would initiate but I'm scared of rejection. He also takes other med for his bp which is likely a culprit of the ED. It is only recently that I have felt bitter and perhaps that's the wrong word to use, having just had a baby I don't exactly feel sexy and along with his issue has made me feel very lonely and it has also affected my self esteem which I've never had an issue with... Although he insists it's not me and that he loves me I can't help but think he doesn't want me. I am supportive and would be more if I saw him trying just a little, or open up to me a little. As I said before this problem has gotten worst and it's hard to imagine my life without sex with the man I love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suggestion: Think about more than your sexual urges.

This is a man who is dealing with a lot. From your very short post, you've outlined that you just had a baby so both of you are adjusting to that and he is also experiencing something which is probably devastating to him. Your "moodiness and nagging" are probably the last thing he needs right now.

OK, onto to the next point. Should you commit to the father of your child even though he has ED? If you're smart enough to detect the sarcasm in my question, you could probably figure out the answer. Somehow, I'm guessing you're not, so I'll just tell you. HELL YES. You're a mother now, and your sexual needs do not trump the need for your child to have both parents in his/her life. Grow up.

I'm a single mom and would give anything for my child to have both parents.

This guy may or may not deserve your compassion for everything he is dealing with. And if OP can find it in her heart to keep trying to fix their relationship or forego sex for the rest of her life for her child's sake, more power to her. But if he is the sort of man who would disappear from his child's life just because the mother does not want to be married to him any more, the child is better off without him.

Right, because there is a prince out there just waiting to sweep her off her feet. NOT SO! i know, I'm going through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here ... This is very hard for me as I feel like I've been supportive and have always believed in communication to be vital. The problem is his lack of communication about this issue and his "it is what it is" attitude. When I try to talk to him about it it's like pulling teeth. He doesn't seem to realize how hard it is for me, after all there are 2 people in a relationship. He's been on meds before and doesn't like the way they make him feel. What's hurtful is that he doesn't initiate any intimacy at all and I would initiate but I'm scared of rejection. He also takes other med for his bp which is likely a culprit of the ED. It is only recently that I have felt bitter and perhaps that's the wrong word to use, having just had a baby I don't exactly feel sexy and along with his issue has made me feel very lonely and it has also affected my self esteem which I've never had an issue with... Although he insists it's not me and that he loves me I can't help but think he doesn't want me. I am supportive and would be more if I saw him trying just a little, or open up to me a little. As I said before this problem has gotten worst and it's hard to imagine my life without sex with the man I love.

I posted before saying you should cut your losses and go and I am posting to re-state that point. If your Fiance is not doing all he can to solve this issue then I dont see what else you can do. Its hard to be supportive if the other person is not making an effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suggestion: Think about more than your sexual urges.

This is a man who is dealing with a lot. From your very short post, you've outlined that you just had a baby so both of you are adjusting to that and he is also experiencing something which is probably devastating to him. Your "moodiness and nagging" are probably the last thing he needs right now.

OK, onto to the next point. Should you commit to the father of your child even though he has ED? If you're smart enough to detect the sarcasm in my question, you could probably figure out the answer. Somehow, I'm guessing you're not, so I'll just tell you. HELL YES. You're a mother now, and your sexual needs do not trump the need for your child to have both parents in his/her life. Grow up.

I'm a single mom and would give anything for my child to have both parents.

This guy may or may not deserve your compassion for everything he is dealing with. And if OP can find it in her heart to keep trying to fix their relationship or forego sex for the rest of her life for her child's sake, more power to her. But if he is the sort of man who would disappear from his child's life just because the mother does not want to be married to him any more, the child is better off without him.

Right, because there is a prince out there just waiting to sweep her off her feet. NOT SO! i know, I'm going through it.

What is your point? If OP chooses to leave, she may find someone else to fall in love with or she may not. There are many good men out there, even though I am sure they all come with their own faults. OP does not strike me as a person with unrealistic expectations or her head in the clouds. She'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Had a similar problem with DH. This is what I did

1. Get him to go down on you as often as you need. He has a responsibility to meet your sexual needs. He is not to be blamed for ED, but he can perform oral to satisfy you.

2. I hooked up with a co-worker in the interim as step 1 takes a long time. If you are not sexually satisfied in the interim you would get very stressed. DH did not know about my hookups but it helped me to be more understanding of his ED problem.

Now, DH does not have this problem any more and we are much closer now.