Hey older moms - does the SAHM vs WOHM thing go away?

[Anonymous]

I mean 17:17, not 10:17.

[Anonymous]

On a case-by-case friendship basis, it doesn't matter WOTH or SAHM. I've found that you "click" with some people and others you don't.

As a general observation, by the time WOTH mothers' children have graduated from highschool, they typically have 15+ years of work experience more than mothers who decided to SAH. This means that the WOTH moms who have stuck with their careers, though thick and thin, end up being fairly senior in their positions by the time their children leave the nest.

OTOH, SAHMs who decide to return to work after the kids are in college find it extremely difficult to find jobs, much less careers to on-ramp onto after having been out of work for so long. At age 50, they still have 15-20 years of "work" left in them, but few will hire them.

I guess I would say that younger moms should think long and hard about the long haul. Try to exhaust the possibilities for working flex-time or part-time, at least, before throwing in the towel.

Looking back, the SAHMs say that they would not have traded the time with their children for anything, but the WOTH moms seem to have worked out (perhaps because of seniority?) time to be there for school events. And I don't see the children turning out "worse" or "better" (for lack of better words) based upon the work status of the mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of these interesting comments.

I think 10:17 raises an issue that is almost a whole separate topic - the time that SAHMs are able to devote to their community and schools. While I'm a part-time working mom who loves her job and gladly works, I also lament that I don't have time to do the things that my own mom, as a SAHM, was able to throw herself into, related to her church and community. Things like baking things for new neighbors, sending gifts to family members, working to improve the local schools, etc - the traditional woman's domain. Of course many women are happy to have nothing to do with this now, and these things bring their own burdens and confinements, but do the community and social fabric suffer when women no longer do these things. Because men sure as hell aren't going to bring a lasagna to the new family up the block.

However, these days it seems to me that most SAHMs aren't actually baking cookies for the neighbors and taking care of the community so much as throwing themselves into their own nuclear family. I could be wrong about this, but I just don't see the "civic involvement" among SAHMs that I think there was a generation or so ago. Maybe this is because there's not the same SAHM community.

My mother who was a lifelong SAHM wasn't involved in the community. Not a joiner, and not interested. I work 40+ hours a week, but am a frequent school and church volunteer. If it's important, you make time. What I don't have that SAHMs I know do have is free time.

[Anonymous]

"OTOH, SAHMs who decide to return to work after the kids are in college find it extremely difficult to find jobs, much less careers to on-ramp onto after having been out of work for so long. At age 50, they still have 15-20 years of "work" left in them, but few will hire them. "

It really depends on your age when you had kids. I'll be 55 when my youngest leaves for college. Even before I had my first, I knew I couldn't get a career-type job at that age, so it was either work throughout the child raising years, or not be able to find well paid work for the last ten years of my work life. Easy choice for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since my oldest was born -- 22 years ago -- I have been a fulltime WOHM (for 2 years), SAHM (for 10 years) PT WAHM (6 tears) and PT WIHM (4 yeras). I'm very relieved to say that as time has passed and my kids have gotten older (youngest is now 13), there seems to be less tension about this issue among the women I know. In part, as we've become more seasoned as moms we've realized that "outcomes" have little to do with where you strike the work-life balance -- just as they have little to do with breastfeeding, toilet training methods, Montessori nursery school, Suzuki piano lessons, travel team soccer, single sex schools, or any of the issues we agonized when our children were younger.

As far as OP's second question -- whether WOHMs experience more stress early on and SAHMs more stress as their kids get older, I'll say "yes" to the first but "no" to the second. I can think of a couple of reasons for this -- first, many of the women I know have gone back to work at least part-time by this point in their evolution as moms; second, those who haven't are some of the most solid, comfortable in their own skin people I know. They don't have to "get a life" (which, BTW, I agree the kids whom a PP cited have probably heard from their parents) b/c they actually tend to have more interesting and varied lives than most of the folks I know -- men and women -- who work full-time. Many SAHMs actually do quite a bit of work outside their homes -- as volunteers --, they have time to pursue passions that are not related to paid work -- I know quite a few who are talented artists, musicians, cooks, gardeners, and athletes; they keep up with friends and family, providing a vital and caring support network as parents age, and friends experience health crises; they read and are current on the news, they are active in politics at the grass roots level, they lead their spiritual communities in churches, synagogues and other faith communities, etc.

I think this is the best response on this subject!